I'm just TRYING to invest, Mom!

"An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." -Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Know-It-All...





So today's textual bliss is due to my eminent hatred for THINKING I'm trying to do something good, and a negative or neutral result occurs.

You that know me, especially certain co-workers, know that *I think* I always have the world's best interest at heart, and that, Yes, I am part Polish and have hardwood floors for a head. It's true yes, but in the end I think my stubborn ways pay off... (no??)

So, like several times in my past, I went to invest some money tonight. I decided to try the firm that also insures my home and vehicles; all eggs in one basket if you will.

I was to get a $100,000 life insurance policy to protect: me. That's it. I have no real debt anymore, and have no dependents (oh Katie and Maximus I love you I do... but we are talking about people! Oh, you are people? Oh I'm sowwy...)

Where was I? Oh yes, from what I heard, this policy would have the following benefits:

• 4-5% Guaranteed return, yes even in this swell crapconomy
• Provide the outstanding $100k death benefit to my benefactor(s), which yes, I'm in my 20's, but it would feel good to be "worth" something again. Since I sold my house, I'm feeling like ... well... Like I own a couch and a best-buy brand TV.
• Money invested is money you can withdraw at a later date, if need be. So in essence, it'd be like the candy jar. I'd put a certain amount away, "never to see it again." I can't seem to do that now. I have the self-control to KIND OF save for immediate use: vacation, new couch, etc, but have not been able to grasp "money you won't use for 40 years" concept.
• (Side note: Maybe I should start a SWEAR jar for my life savings... oooooh! Then I'd always have opportunities and reasons to save :) Trash-mouth Sailor Dee could definitely fill that shit up.)
  

So here I went: Hello Sir the Salesman. I'd like the good life insurance, not the crap "term" life. (Term is like leasing a car... you can only get the money you put in if you pass on. Whole life you can "borrow" against.)

"OK", says Sir the Sales guy, "Here are the specs for your Universal Life policy. You can add more money to it later, blah blah blah, your rates won't change, blah blah blah, this is great for YOU, not much a month, blah blah blah."

"OK ma'am, who's the benefactor?" "Your parents?" "OK, can you spell your mom's last name?"

Wait sir, she has a strange new 'hyphen-space-2-names' kind of name, let me call her and ask her legal spelling.

"Hi mom, so you're a benfacto... On my life insur... State Far... It's ok... One Hunded Thou... No really, I'm about to sign on the dotted lin... I have to go n... I should ask for more options? Okay, thanks mother."

"Sir can you forget everything we just said and start over on WHOLE life, not fake whole life??"(Universal Life, keep up kids, is apparently an evil tranny version of Whole Life insurance,... looks the part, but has some of the wrong parts. Eek!) "And now that I'm taking the more expensive type policy, can I lower to a $50k?"

...What, you don't do $50k? But all I have is a couch and a best-buy brand TV. :*(

Sir the Salesman now looks sad. We were at a standstill. I do not want the $100K Whole Life and he cannot provide me with a $50k Whole Life. I promised I'd come back and see him, PROMISE! We both know what will probably happen. Poor Sir. He made an evening appointment to mess with a 20-something and her mommy! Hell naw! I got copies of both types of policy's and left.

My mom is brand-loyal as HELL to her highschool friend with a different insurance company. Until I get quotes from this cool-as-school friend of hers, she'll never be happy, and I will never feel as though I completely researched my options.

See, there are 2.5 things I learned early in life:

1. My mom is, in fact, completely right, 96% of the time
2. I am JUST like my mom. I will bother my children too till they do what I say, all with good intentions of course.

(2.5. Because I am like her, then by some Algebraic equation that means I too, am always
right, EVEN NOW!! Just get used to it people, sorry. It's hereditary; not my fault.)

So there we are. I am AGAIN going to have to research my investment opportunities. Yet in the meantime: I AM NOT INVESTING!!

It's just like when I had an extra $3k to invest in: WHATEVER! I met a NorthWestern Mutual agent at Hooties and asked him if I could come discuss options. Mommy also talked me out of that because I'd give the man a chunk of that money anyway, blah blah blah.... and so the money was ultimately spent on MAC makeup and tranny 'get that hair bigger' hairspray so I could sling MORE wings and beer, to make MORE money I WASN'T INVESTING.

Blargh. Anyone have any ideas?

D