I can't stop them

The tears... The tears they fall...

At some point in every one's life you feel how weak you truly are. You see yourself as a fragile human being, no matter how smart you are, how good you look, how successful you are within your firm.

Have you ever cried at work? I have. I just did. But it wasn't because of a client, or because of my role in this company, its because of the demon that is within this place that was put here to test me. I honestly believe that. Everyone is given tests and challenges throughout their lives to show them what they are made of, and to remind them who they are.

I have been fighting this demon for two years now. I have tried different ways of being nice to have a resolution, I have tried to be direct and assertive, I have tried to be gentle and hard, and I have finally chosen to say what I want to say. (See previous post: ...And the Wall Crumbles)

I want to say Fuck Off Demon. Go Test someone else now. I have learned my lesson, and you are not part of the solution.

Ah...

I am so conflicted. I have a job. I have a job in a bad economy. I have a job in a bad economy with benefites, fun co-workers, and a company car, gas card, and blackberry. Why I am do up and down on this one then?

I hear other people go to work, and be fine. I come to work fine, and am immediately brought down from the aura of "who did this wrong." It's not the industry, it's not the people as a whole per se,... what is it?

It's people playing against each other. It's the human nature to protect their own environment and territory, and use their hieracrchy against the rest. I'VE been here longer, but I'VE got a youthful exuberance, but I'VE got the knowledge.

Then sit the fuck down people and share. Don't tell me you don't have time. Put out your goddamn $2 ghetto pack of cigarettes and sit with me. Drive faster to work, there's time. Don't walk across the whole office to ask me what could have been intercomed, there's time.

Now realize something:

You're all thinking the same thing. That's right. It was actually just proven to me by my boss, Jesus. He enlgihtened me. Everyone actually has happy thoughts. Thoughts of positive teamwork, and a unified efficent enviromnent. I know that's what I think. What I WANT--want to see from the good people around me. We are great people. Everyone in their own way. But funny thing, Demon said they wanted all the good fuzzies of change and positive teamwork, and I say "HAH! Hah to you Boss Jesus. You've been lied to. That's a crock."

"Hey, Hey, Snap out of it..." says Boss Jesus,... "why are you looking at the floor??"

"Because that just killed me." I felt like I was so struck by the bad-vibe lightning, that I couldn't talk, I couldn't speak, I couldn't agknowledge.

So I shed a tear.

and another.

and another.

"Please excuse me Boss Jesus. I have to go to my desk now."

What are you supposed to do when you're faced with a cross roads. How do you solve it? Turn to friends? Turn to your lover? Turn to a faith?

You should really look in the mirror and ask yourself. As I preached with "Show Yourselves" earlier this week. I'm the real case here: I'm conflicted.

I've dried my tears for now. Now it's time to be honest with everyone. What am I going to do.