WTF Did cavemen do?

So this guy works for CNN in their Science and Technology division. He says:
"I’m sure some of you will be wondering what the big deal is. You don’t have an iPhone or a BlackBerry and you get along just great in your day-to-day life. But in the past month I’ve heard from a lot of people who say they couldn’t do their job without their smartphones. So it’s not just me."

So he's basically dared himself to go a week without his iPhone: a.k.a Tech Torture with Topher. See above video

So MY say on this, is that it is a BRILLIANT experiment that I think A LOT of people should try once in a while.

Yes, I'm attached to my BlackBerry Storm. I'm aware. But that's just ONE of probably THREE annoying things 60 years old are looking at 50-year-olds and younger going WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHES DOING THESE DAYS??

#1 Mobile Phones, or really, Mobile Offices. (Maybe even MobileLives?)
Bitches, you know even our 26-year-old asses are yelling at each other at dinner parties!! And you know what's funny, I went through a mad texting phase when qwerty LG phones came out like 5 years ago, but that's the TIP of the annoying ice berg. Example:
Creagan's birthday. Awesome dinner party at swank vodka/sushi bar. We are having a conversation and anytime someone said, "hm, I wonder" one of 4 guys would go, "Well according to cnn.com" or "Oh shit! I've got that pic on my phone hold on" and the hostess was like "Hey ya'll. No offense. PUT THAT SHIT AWAY. That includes you Dee." :(

But she was right. It's insane.

#2 Social Networking Sites.
I'M SORRY!! I HATE THEM. BUT LET ME FINISH!! I *Love* that I can see pics of friends removed and find out that my 7th grade boyfriend is recently married. That's all good and wonderful. But when my best friends tell me "What do you mean I did not tell you? I talked about it on my FaceBook homepage all week. Didn't you get the FaceBook invitation?"

Really? Really. Wow. So now we have actually surpassed lazy fuckers (like me) not answering a call because they are enjoying a lovely dinner or are really into a movie FAR too much for a 30 minute phone call, so they will text you "what's up" 30 minutes later. NOW we don't even NEED to personally communicate.

And what I thought was ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING: The rest of the world was already over MySpace, (isn't it weird how it's less appealing now... trends ya'll... trends) and FaceBook is still gaining some power but that's even getting a little too "app-y" for me... So enter TWITTER. SO SIMPLE. So easy. It's like your News Feed from FaceBook and that's it! No apps please. No "Now it's all about 'BEST friends' or 'Fans'." Bitch we are already "friends" in real life.

I digress. So Twitter has the world changed in like 2 months. Yes it's been out longer, but WOW. The world was craving something NEW! You know why I love it? (Or will when everyone gets on?) Is because it's like sending out "Mass texts" without feeling guilty when you're friends go "You sent that to like 10 people didn't you?" (always, yes.)

But really, to my point, ever sit back and listen to some of your friends who don't just enjoy FaceBook and find it as innocent entertainment, they are now using it as some form of necessary communication or even worse, as a spy tool, or punishment. MY fav was when someone would "take you out of their top 8" on MySpace back in 2007. lol. Now I hear my friends going "OMG I said something about my boyfriend on my News Feed, and all his friends saw it and commented. Now they all know how sad he is!" Wow. FaceBook is INSANE how they interweave stuff. I don't need to know that Ashley made a new friend on there. Or that Sarah's boyfriends' friend commented on a picture that someone else took of me and he knows some girl in the background. Shit people. And to boot, my email account sends me reminders of each occurance, so I HAVE to get online and check that shit. Sheesh. We all sound so lame.

#3 CABLE TV.
It's a doozy everyone. My closer friends and family know, I "stuck it to the man" 3 years ago, and disconnected my Charter Cable service. And my home didn't get the "use an antennae" channels. I had nothing. To this day, even in a new home, and a new state, I have yet to get it. Am I kind of out of the loop? Hell yes. Do I miss the nightly news and things like the olympics, yes. That is the hardest part. I AM ABOUT TO GET BASIC. I think. The networks are still decent programming and wouldn't cost a car payment.

But on to the point: I LAUGH INSIDE AND OUT WHEN I HEAR THAT "FLAVOR OF LOVES" SPIN-OFF'S HAVE THEIR OWN SPIN-OFFS!! What is wrong with this world?? And that WebWhores like Tila Tequila and Reality Rejects like NewYork have like 5 SHOWS!!

There are some days that I feel much better NOT having seen the last 3 years of reality tv, and missed most of the recent writer's strikes' stand-in shows. Yes I have missed a few things, but I know I can live without it.

I think if I dared some of my friends to not watch tv (I do watch movies via dvd) they could not do it. If I said "just turn on your iTunes or your radio and chill to that, or throw in a movie" they would be like "you're insane, go back to drinking or sleeping or blogging." (yup.)

**

So there it all is. Try it sometime everyone. YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED HOW DUMB OUR GENERATION SOUNDS. I mean, we were part of something VERY special, the non-tangible revolution, where everything just "tranfers through GB and MB and Broadband." But we need to sit down sometimes, and SEE each other. TALK to each other. Shares some moments that ARE NOT IMMEDIATELY photographed and uploaded. Just be. I bet it would be so bizarre for everyone, myself included.

Much Love,
PM2Progress
DenisePR
Neecie311

Oops. I mean, Dee.

Conservibal, Libertive... Whatever

I was just thinking about something I heard the other day, drove me NUTS.

(And you know, even great acquaintances can drive ya nuts, hell, I'm lame at times, aren't we all?)

A friend of mine is cheating her federal tax information to keep a state-aided, federal-backed financial benefit. Now, I HEAR her side, and KNOW ALL THE CONTEXT, but I am not cheating. Am I? Hm. I don't "have all the ____ she has in her life," but really. Why am I PAYING MY TAX MONEY, TO HER FED-AIDED PROGRAM, SO SHE CAN WORK LESS AND MAKE THE SAME. Hm.

Almost as bad as the WORST example of our fucked up tax system:
SIUE, 2002, Sociology class (could not have had a better setting). There was a outspoken token brown-haired "would suck dick to get ahead in the political arena" Republican in a J.Crew sweater and an initial-embroidered LL Bean backpack. We were talking about the Food Stamp/LINK Card programs. She raised her hand and said "When I went to U of I, me and my 3 roommates were filling out our financial aid forms, and there was this box 'check if you want to see if you quailify for LINK.' So we checked the box. We all got like $400 a month for food! It was awesome. Like so much food money in one student apartment! It was awesome, because we didn't necessarily need it, but we got it."

Uh. Sure bitch. Sure you didn't need it. Doesn't sound to me like you were a "grants only paid my way" kid who bussed your ass to school. Not to undercut her, but I hated her and that whole BS monologue she spewed out.

Then, a well-spoken, 35 year old black woman raised her hand, "Hi. I have 2 children from a common-law type relationship. I work full time, and pay for baby-sitting, and am trying to get my degree to better my life and the lives of my children. Unfortunately, I get about $270 a month on my LINK card. So what's wrong here? That's for my whole family!"

Then Repub-slut retorts "It's not my problem you had children early." wtf.

Come to think of it, there was another LL Beaner in there, a 45-year-old that was on Unemployment for the EIGHTEENTH MONTH!!! I HAD to say something. "How are you on Unemployment for that long? Get a job some where. I'm bartending to pay for my bills, and I'm still pulling a 3.3 gpa. Why can't you?"

She replied, "Why shouldn't my company pay me still, and if I can get government aid too, why not. There's no way I'll find a job like I had, so I'll just go to school and then I'll look."

GOD PEOPLE!! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS PAYING FOR YOUR ASS TO SIT AT HOME AND GO TO SCHOOL FOR 8 HOURS?? Who do you think is paying for your Schnucks brand Cream Corn and generic 2-ply so YOU can afford Jack Daniels and Virginia Slim cartons?

Fuck you all.

Sheesh I sound so conservative. I'm not completely. I am all for civil rights movements, therefore will typically vote democrat. AHHHHHHHH

See my dilemma?

Ah. Afternoon thoughts. Delightful.

D

Boys and Boys, Girls and Girls

You know, I've always secretly hated 'girlie girls' with their groups of 7 that all buy the same fabric handbags they made at their Aunt Sherrie's purse party, and the girls that undoubtedly will be at our 10yr reunion in 2 years with a 5 year wedding band on and pics of their second infant. I just felt like they were missing something: why not hang out with some boys, too? And not like on Saved By the Bell, where hanging out meant dating all of them in rotation. I mean like, LET YOUR TOM BOY SIDE SHINE. Not every girl was meant to be a nurse, or teacher, or seamstress part-time while she stays at home.

THEN, on the flip side, I have always LOATHED boyfriends of mine that were 'guys guys.' GOD FORBID a girl goes long 1 in 5 times to their man-outings. Women seem to be an accessory to these people, like "I will have that car, and a job, and that lawn mower, and a woman. And make fire. Ugg." I always thought these guys to be slightly douche-y normally, and like "get to know your softer sides assholes. Maybe if you weren't all together, all the time, you wouldn't feel SO compelled to take those last 3 Jagerbombs you KNOW will make work tomorrow unbearable."

With all this said, and with an aside that I'm really not THAT judgemental, I'm sitting here with no girlfriends within an easy 10 miles, and possibly only 1 or 2 within 30 miles! Now this isn't because I don't have any, it's mainly because, like many mid-twenty something groups, a few of our flock had to fly away for bigger, better jobs. But that leaves some lonely in the city. Boo.

So, enter my manfriends. I have a ton. Some, yes, I may have "made out with in the past 10 years but we will NEVER be like THAT, it was just the tequila and 6 Bacardi Coolers" or 1 or 2 may be boyfriends from so long ago that you REALLY can be friends with them. But I am also trying to broaden my friend circle. In that, I'm finding that most men don't see me as a friend. Or something. I just don't get it.

Fuck that. You know what I REALLY want? A girl OR guy friend, who can do things that ARE NOT BAR RELATED. My fucking liver needs a break people! What ever happened to just coming over and "chilling?" Remember those days? My 1 in-town, 5 mile away girl friend Amber and I went to a pool the other day, and just CHATTED AND CHATTED for 3 hours, and it was so nice! We both have red boussie's, but it was SO NICE! I had a girlfriend a few years back, and it just seemed like if we weren't "on the prowl" for a man-penis then it wasn't really fun.

Anyway, I just had to get all this out.

I'll leave this blog with my face book jargen from the last 1 hour: (and I never really use facebook, but this was for RESEARCH!)

**

Denise Mueller Pondering why its so hard to be friends with the opposite sex.

Kenneth M Cuvar at 1:34pm June 25

Well if that's the wa you feel you can just GO TO HELL!! (sarcastic tone)

Charles Reagan at 1:41pm June 25

Your vagina is like a siren's song, it won't allow for the friendship only the sexy time. It's a shame doll.

Denise Mueller at 1:44pm June 25

Well wtf am I supposed to do NOW that you said that? lol. Apparently "some ppl can be friends and never had any benefits." Hell, we've even made out. HA

Charles Reagan at 1:45pm June 25

I was confused! I was a frat boy! Don't hold it against me Holy Gay God! Please!

Denise Mueller at 1:51pm June 25

HAHA! Well, I'm glad we made it. :)

**
Much love,
D

A Little Coffee... A Little Motion

It's amazing the mood swings one can suffer in a matter of hours... This post is simply a reflection of my life in the last 12 hours.





So this afternoon I was particularly lonely, as I am and will be every Wednesday while Ez is in the greater Champaign/Urbana area. HOWever, I decided to have a day filled of things: mall, organize office, laundry... etc. My day would be so busy I wouldn't mind being alone.

But I have a hard time ACTUALLY motivating myself when I'm depressed/alone. My friends know this well: when they come by I slowly start cleaning. lol

So today in my lazy hours, I watched The Departed, a great movie to get your mind off love and feelings, then like and IDIOT I watched 27 Dresses. I WANTED A BOY AROUND DAMMIT!! Depresssssso. So I decided to TRY to spread love: I messaged Ez like 5 messages like "Muah" and "Can't wait til Friday!" It worked. It's like how people say 'smiles are contagious'; well apparently so are pleaseant texts. Ezra sent me lovely, and sometimes dirty, texts the rest of the evening. Took my mind off this cluster situation for a few hours.

So after waking up at 1:15pm, and doing the movie thing til like 7pm, I went to the mall, and did the usual retail therapy: MAC cosmetics and Express. I did feel better!

Upon leaving, I was like "WTF self. Why when you leave the mall do you become sad again."

I guess I knew I would be going home to sit. To wallow. To feel alone again.

So there I sat.

And I'll tell you what, I have not felt THAT DEPRESSED since my personal dark days in 2004-2005. HOW did I have a swing like that? WTF? I was just pacing my apartment, looking at all the things I had to do: organize office, 3 loads of laundry, put dishes away, put LAST weeks clean laundry away. (fuck I had been lazy this week...)

I could do nothing. I, like many people, can't do many daily functions when they are having a depressed feeling.

So I deliberated: should I drink? Nah, don't have enough to make a difference, and I didn't want to feel like shit tomorrow on my 13 hour shift. Take a muscle relaxer? Nah, I'm already to down, that would worsen it. Should I start taking these "herbal anti-depressants" that someone gave me during the dark days that still are as addictive as clinical anti-d's therefore I never took them anyway, NO...... This would pass.

The problem is,... I didn't feel good last night, either. And I told myself I'd sleep it off and tomorrow would be another day. Well, today was another day,... and I still feel like shit. That's the scary thing. Everyone has a bad day, right? But the only people that worry are the ones that see two days turn into a week and possibly turn into a month or 2004-2005. Haaaaaaa I digress.

So I did what anyone would do: I took two Excedrine (yes, I actually was getting a headache, however the caffeine does make for a lovely side-effect), and drank a Starbucks double shot. AMAZING. I was better!!

I got my ass up, started some laundry, FINALLY put my office together, got out some oil paints and did my first canvas in 8 years! What a cool few hours. ** Check it, Smurf hands from my blue paint!

I ate a late meal (fattening but makes me HAPPY!), made some new friends online in a liberal chatroom, and basically just relished this new up swing.

So now I'm happier, slightly too full, and wide awake at 3am. The joys of being a slightly depressed bartender with too much time, and paint, on her hands...



Swing Swing,
D

Evening Thoughts

...a.k.a. Wine induced thoughts.

Do we notice a trend in the ole' recycling bin? I can't take all the credit, danke Ezra. However today it was only I that filled the bin with bottles. Ezra moved today and I'm left feeling empty...


In the last few weeks, I have been playing the yo-yo game with the man in my life. We have had what is seemingly the 'easy-come, easy-go' 3 month relationship; yet he brings something fresh to my relationship think-tank. He has been the first man I've dated that REALLY is my complete opposite; my challenger, to which I proclaimed defeat 3 times. :(

Ezra and I have the spunk and wit, as well as livers, to have a delightful relationship full of laughs and parties, and also have intelligent conversations, and cozy nights at home. However, we are also two type-A personalities, as well as both bull-headed, and have opposite interests in many accounts. SO, it made for an interesting 2 months.

Well, our final curtain call was a mature conversation regarding arguing a hand full of times, and we decided maybe it was best to be friends.

4 days later... we break the new friend rule with an unforgettable night.

We go back and forth trying to figure ourselves out. We have a great public 'air' as a couple; and are so well KNOWN as well as that duo! I swear, if one of us are out alone within the city limits at one of our usual spots, the bartender, cashier, or acquaintance goes "where's the other one? Your lady friend (or man friend) with the hat?" Ha! (We both wear hats, like 2 dorks in newboys.)

Enter this recent week: After a long weekend at the bar, Ez and I had the most amazing 3 days. Still referring to each other as "friend" as a reminder, we keep things non-sexual, maybe a kiss here or there, and only sleeping next to each other if the hour called for it.

We had one evening, that surprised me even as it was happening:
We saw "The Hangover" (awesome flick) which left me in the mood to be in a casino or loud bar. We did Nick's Pub, then headed over to Lumiere Place's GloBar. There was buzz in the air, and in our heads, and the bar had sexy high-backed red leather booths. We sat there asking life-long questions: "Where do you see us living?" "What would our place look like?" "Can you see us together for a long time" completely immersed in each other.

Such a great time.

I went to work that weekend a little freaked out, honestly. AM I TRULY DOING THIS AGAIN? AM I FEELING THIS? See, I'm the girl that tells her girl friends "If you break up more than once, it's a sign it should be over." So, how can I feel this way, such hypocrisy?

I was honest with him the whole time, speaking concern for our direction. He understands, however is more "go with the flow" than I. I'm a mathematician with my heart, a business woman that looks at history and past figures to direct me. Always have.

One thing Ezra has shown me: I cannot ALWAYS let history play such a role. And it's not just him: I have had 3 0r 4 ex-boyfriends ask me: "Are you always going to just give up, and move on? You'll be alone for life."

Fuck.

I thought I was just DATING. Right? I'm only 26, and sure, I've had my fair share of relationships both long and short, but it doesn't mean I should just "stick one out." AHHH.

Ez said one thing to me that leaves me perplexed: "Maybe those few arguments are us just 'feeling each other out,' getting to know each other. Maybe it's not fighting, it's just us getting a chance to understand how the other thinks, feels, and communicates. Maybe for us, it's a necessity and we are getting better everyday."

Hmm. To me it was like arguing. Like not getting along. I don't get it.

Anywho, things were going well, and I just left myself NOT DEFINE IT. I think that is the key right now. Just trust yourself, and trust the person, DO NOT DEFINE IT. Relish the good company, and just be happy with the present.

On Saturday, I got off work, and in 2 hours had the most RIDICULOUS conversations with two men, one a friend of the past and one a new acquaintance, that I wanted to throw up. I lost alllll faith in men. And almost in our species. HOW FUCKING DUMB can men be sometimes to suggest such things, and speak with such arrogance. Go fuck off people, or call me when you're sober and over your bull shit.

Unfortunately, it brought my current high down to a "really, Ez is leaving, and we should just be friends. What was I thinking." MY DUMB ASS parlayed these feelings at 4am on my way home, fueled by my previous hatred to all men from just an hour before. the conversation started innocent enough, and then something hit a button, and I caught him completely off guard. I just let out a slew of negative thoughts :(

So dumb.

I woke the next day remembering his soft, tired, questioning voice "What happened in the last 12 hours? Are you ok? What did I do?" I cannot remembering feeling so ill as that morning. We decided to meet up that afternoon, before his departure. I told him while I apologized for bringing more attitude to the table than he deserved due to my previous bullshit men had delivered, my concerns were real. We decided to have a nice afternoon and try our best to work things out, whatever that means. We will talk while he's gone, and try to see each other when he's home.

Whatever this endeavor is to bring, it is teaching me to wait though the rain, and then see the blooms. It is teaching me that I do rely on having "someone" in my life all the time: SO MUCH that I do not know my own self. I haven't allowed myself to blossom.

SO, Here I sit, alone on my normal "Monday through Wednesday happy manfriend time with Ezra."

'Tis the season for me to feel loved, to try to communicate my friendship, and love over 200 miles away, and to just be at peace by myself.

Much love,
D

Man I'm old

This week has been a rough wake up call...










So I'm super psyched about a lot of things new in my life: New job, new boy friend, new chance to play softball with some good friends...

Things are looking up.

But fuck! How did I used to do this stuff!!? Haha, it's bad! Like I used to be a bartender on 10 hour shifts, 5 days a week, and used to play a sport for 3 hours no problem.

I'll tell you what; after 3 insane shifts at the bar, and a double header Softball afternoon, I'm totally out of order today. Like burnt to a crisp from waking up before noon and being in the sun all day on Sunday, and quads and hamstrings and triceps sore from doing random bar necessities I have not performed in 3 years.

It will all pass of course. Just the first week or two will be a bit rough. I feel 96, not 26. I feel like an albino that hung out around the equator a day too long...

On the bright (punnnnn) side, after softball (and Ezra's soccer game) we went to our friend Phil's rooftop oasis, and grilled some chicken, and drank till the sun went down. I was a wonderful experience after a long weekend. New aquaintences seeing each other at our best (drunk) and PEOPLE WATCHING EXTRAVAGANZA!! Holy hell. So fun. By 9:30 that rooftop felt more like a family reunion.

Anywho, good times. Things are going really well. I just have to ask one thing...

...Anyone have some fucking aloe?

Dizzle

BLISS

This is what I had been doing the last 3 weeks... Sleeping, Drinking, Taking pictures of my puppies Max and Katie. (He is really that small. Like a midget warlock/gremlin Chihuahua :)








But now.... I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in so long. I have taken everything that wasn't working for me, and LUCKILY found fabulous things to replace them. Out with toxic communications, in with positive relations.

For the last month I have been doing some thinking, some extreme soul searching, and made some bold moves.

I quit a job in a recession, and did not have the cliche "three months' salary in savings."

I had a "soon to be" amiable split with Nick, which we had a nice coffee hour yesterday, and politely agreed that the split was a good thing for both of us. He's doing well in business, and I'm trying to get back to "Dee," trying to find some sides of me that were lost in translation over the last few years.

I met a GREAT man, Ezra, very shortly after my split. We started off just having coffee, or a late night Uncle Bill's buffet. Things moved into a great relationship. I can't ask for more: he's honest, he's there for me, he's not pretentious, and he wears the same hats I do. It's almost too cute. I need a pic of us together so I can POSTTTTT it. :) We are going to a wedding together this weekend; Hopefully I get a chance to show him off to the InterwebTwitterFaceSpace.

Another GREAT thing, is I'm getting opportunities to connect to my new neighborhood. The other night a friend of mine brought up available spots for a LBGT friendly Softball team, and it's sponsored by my coffee house down the street!! I am SO excited!! I was infamously snubbed last summer by two gal pals that I introduced, when they joined a kickball team behind my back, thinking that because I was in a relationship I wouldn't be "fun" or something. Not into the frat boys with the coolers. Who knows. So this opportunity is SUGARYSPLENDA sweet. I'm getting to relive my softball days (10 years ago, yikes) with a beer on the side. lol

Also, this week, I bit the bullet and bought some long time over due art supplies. I have had this bug in me for the last few years to start "creating" again, and I've been shopping oil paints and drafting tables ever since... Just never wanted to shell out the money. Well Ez and I went shopping the other day, and you know, dating someone creative and being around friends that have creative hobbies such as music or art, makes you want to just go for it. I found some GREAT deals on a "starter" set of paints, and brushes. I also bought a nice brush, 2 canvases, and a sketch pad to "play with" before I waste a canvas. Totally psyched.

Now that I have my "extra room" for "something extra" I may put a table in there. But honestly I'm vieing for a move in the livingroom set up, so I can paint in front of my french doors.

Now the grand finale: I GOT A JOB YESTERDAY!! SUPER PSYCHED!! It's a wine bar in Belleville, IL, which is about 10 miles east of St. Louis. There is an adorable "main street" by this giant foutain, circle drive, plaza type area, and my bar is RIGHT THERE.

http://www.thewinetapbelleville.com/













So this is the middle room that's available for reservations, and by the front door is where me and a partner will have 8 small tables and a decent sized semi-circle bar. Beyond this middle room is a 60-person heated, covered, patio. Next weekend they are having a cabaret show!! I was like, this is my place. Then the owner goes, "So you know Dee, their songs can, get kind of risque... Is that ok?" HA! I was like "Thank you!!"

I will bartend like any other for about 3 or 4 weeks, then I'm the manager. :) I work the same night as many of my friends, which is great. I am giving up weekends til the end of time, but the owners Allison and Dave were realisitc when I said there would be negotiations, like "2 weekend nights off a month" and my base salary for management. I honestly couldn't be happier with them. Wonderful people, entreprenuers, and about all, humble as anyone could be.

I feel like I've taken a happy pill.

What an amazing turn of events from my recent blogging. And you know, I understand things won't always be perfect, but the weight that has been lifted from my back is significant, and I am going to hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Thank you to everyone that has my back and has been sending me daily love and good vibes.

One last thing: Shout out to my girl Kristen!! She just got a KILLER upgrade on life as well!
#1 New job: she'll be an Albequerque transplant working for the local NBC affiliate. Great pay raise, along with jumping over 100 markets (news talk for going from a smaller city to a bigger city)!! You are well on your way to STL or better, and you know it. Congrats Chica!!
#2 And also, I have to mention, your newest love interest is a wonderful man, AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. Keep it up girl. 2 Kudos. ;)

Much Love,
D

The Haunted

Have you ever been incapable of shaking something? A feeling? A thought?

A haunting?


I'm currently having a daily/nightly fucked up vibe that I cannot shake.

It's a terrible feeling. Not like a ghost. I should be so lucky. Fuck, give me a spirit that opens my cabinets or steals my clothes and then floats around in them.

No... This is much different. This is one of those things that people should probably go to counseling for: something that rots away your positive mind set and makes you feel as though you're fucked up for life.

Recently I have been fucked up for life, even if it's just in a minuscule way, in just one aspect of life.

I have almost all but lost the ability to trust. Is anyone else with me? It feels like a lonely feeling. Like everyone else probably does not have such paranoid thoughts. But I have a sneaking suspicion that OTHER people think this as well, however keep the thoughts locked away, and just take it. They take the daily mind-fuck with a grain of salt, and just deal.

I think this new observation has been building for a while actually: it has stemmed from a few choice events from a few choice people in my life. Some from relationships, yet recently even at work. Shit so fucked up it made me tell a man to get out of my life after a year of dating, and walk out on my job of 2.5 years all in the same month.

Ever felt the breeze? Ever heard the metaphorical crickets? Ever heard and seen the tree fall in the forest? These are things you notice when you just wiped your slate clean.

Step two is feeling the chill: the ever-presence of these fucking words that dipshits spouted out to you that RUINED your day. These words and actions make you wonder something very important:

DO I DO THIS ALL THE TIME? Am I running?

How these fucking thoughts have haunted me. Damn the mother fuckers that have said them.

(And yes, I do acknowledge that I am so frustrated because it may possibly be true.) Dammit :(

Bottom line, I got RID of the toxins in my life and can now move on.

I will find a new job. I will rekindle/maintain relationships with my near and dear friends. I have found a great guy that values me for my quirkiness and blunt attention to issues good and bad.

With this new freedom from my previous career and me and my ex's freedom to flourish separately, I finally believe I can find a new me.

Now I just have to push this last daemon away.... Shoo thoughts, don't bother me.

Don't bother me anymore.

Expectations

Is it too much to expect the best of everything? Really. Think about this one.

Our careers should make us more driven, more enthusiastic to excel, and excited about the week ahead.

Our families should make us feel wanted, loved, and a part of a collective unit where no one link is better than the next.

Our relationships should leave us satisfied, with loving support and sincere understanding of our needs and desires.

Our friendships should complete this circle, filling in the tiny cracks of life with meaningful conversations and actions, which therefore allow us to have a better grip on our current reality and status.

****

Having spelled out what I believe life should be like, lets discuss the bullshit we actually see and feel on a daily basis. Maybe I'll even get to talk about a plan of action to rectify the half-truths I live and see versus the "shoulds" aforementioned above.

Careers:
Is it too much to ask that I am happy to return to work after a 9 day hiatus? Is it too much to ask that in my first full week off since 2006, my first vacation of ANY kind since I've been with my current company, that I'm left the fuck alone?? That's what vacation means people: vacate from the things of norm; get out of dodge; levitate from your current situation to a different place for a short amount of time, so when you come back, you can tolerate things again... at least for a bit.

I have been doing some soul searching regarding my current place in the business world, really since April 2008. And you know: I just don't see it. The first year in my industry went along so smoothly and quickly; I mistook to inability to stop and breathe for Happiness.

Now that I had a minute, I've filed away all the thoughts and feelings and complications I've encountered in the last year, and I have to say I AM OVER IT. Life is hard. Yes. But FUCK! Work should not have you taking stress tests, chest x-rays, muscle relaxers, and sleep aides. There are people that make what I do, and if it says 8-5 they are at home by 6pm with a fucking smile, a home-made charbroiled burger and a hi-life light bottle in both hands.

I had a great opportunity this week to see my laid-off partner in a new and exciting role in downtown St. Louis. I have not seen her so happy in forever, and it just makes you think: "me too?" Can I do that, too? She just FITS there. It's HER. And you know what's ironic, is that she actually liked her role in my company. I always told her "you haven't hit the 2 year mark... it's like turning 50. You realize how bored you got and realized when and where you lost focus." haha. Really.

So I'm thinking I need a little change-a-roo in this aspect of my life. I haven't hit the job search in a real way: It's a weird thing when you are excelling in your industry. But getting good grades in science did not mean I was meant to be a scientist. And receiving compliment after compliment about what a great Front-of-House POS trainer I am may not be enough for me to think I was meant for this job either. My report card says: A+, but looks bored in class.

***

Family:
Another oddity in life is when families are just not THERE FOR THEIR STRUGGLING 20-SOMETHINGS. Wake the fuck up people!! I actually have a wonderful family by comparison: hard working father, intelligent brother, do-it-all mom, caring grandmothers, etc. But I have a few friends that are in this strange place where they have no one. They call for help, their parents go: "I can't, but while we're on that topic, can I borrow $200?"

This is just not normal!! You are supposed to be 75 before we're helping you shop and cutting your grass and assisting you like you once did us. So again I state, my family is not today's example, however this is just too much to ignore.

I have friends that have no one to count on. They are 26 and they have what I call "fake families." On the birth certificate, around for weddings and funerals, and that's about it. So I have to ask: "Why are these people so negligent toward their kin?"

I think this is the reason I'm so giving to certain people; so willing to go the extra mile when others think it's crazy. I want these people to have meaningful relationships in their lifetime: someone they can call family, even if its someone with a different last name and of the same age. I love them, and I just want them to know that. And like all good family members, hopefully they are there for me if I'm in a time of need.

***

Relationships:
Why is it that when I enter a relationship, or should I say have experienced a relationship, do I feel guilty if I think I deserve to be told only the ultimate truth? WHY? And you know, it is not just me; It’s hard too when you know something fucked up about a friend’s relationship too. I learned the hard way a few years ago to keep my fucking mouth locked up when it came to friends’ indiscretions. And I’m sure my friends have learned a few things about me in the past that would seem a little askew.

Tis the season for us all to grow the fuck up, time for us all to start telling the truth in relationships. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW the person they just said ‘I love you’ to. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW all your faces in the beginning: Do NOT act one-way then show a different side.

I want normal. I want someone what can just ‘be’: maybe not be perfect- but can just be themselves. If we still like each other at the end of the day then wonderful… at least we’d know.

***

Friendships:
Friendships in general are a whole different game. A whole new animal. People that you have known for years should SEEMINGLY be the "best urban family members," the best shoulder to drunkenly cry on, and the one you can count on to show up if there are plans to do so.

Recently I've been wondering who true friends are. Also wondering if past decisions to change my friend circle are warranted. After this week, I've made a few discoveries:

#1 Yes: past gut deciding choices were correct. When faced with someone I used to be close with for a couple years, I was like "hm, shall we try this again?" "Have we all grown up a bit?"

Fuck no.

#2 We are all assholes at some point. I called out a near and dear bff this week: "HEY!! What's with being home two week-ends and I see you for 5 minutes??" She retaliated with "No offense Dee, there was a time when you wouldn't give me the time of day when I came home. You're the last person that should be talking."

Ouch. We discussed things via phone while we were both a little buzzed. All is well now. Alcohol is the band-aid for friendships. At least for me and my girl soul mate. LOL.

It takes strength to hold together good friendships just like it does to hold together a good relationship. We fuck up. We forgive. We try to forget. If you can't do it, move on. If you can, well then, my friend, you may have friends for life.

Hollah at your friend,
D

These… Are the Drams of our lives.

Really people. What happened to civil behavior? What happened to things you see in Pride and Prejudice where not responding with “please” and “thank you” got your balls detached?

Tonight was the RSVP VIP party Amanda planned, to continue on with the Creagan birthday extravaganza. Great job, too. Twelve invites, eleven RSVP’s for the 9pm event. She even changed the time to assist the people traveling from out of town. It was to take place at a brilliant vodka bar we all know and love, with a great sushi spread for dinner.

The main group was of course about 5 minutes late, as we should have been, because it was Creagan’s birthday and he needed to arrive stylishly late. “Well, hmm, we're the first to arrive, that’s cool.”

Our server was really nice, and we decide to just get an appetizer and some waters while we wait for the other 6 guests.

And wait. Waiting. Wtf. Waiting for our guests.

By 9:30 we are like “Time for that bottle of vodka we decided on.”

THREE of our requests are returned with a “Um, yeah, we don’t seem to have a whole extra bottle of that to give to you.”

So, here comes the owner, like 45 minutes after our DT’s started and the plethora of sushi was almost gone. “Here” he says, “Dan Akroyd’s new ‘Crystal Skull’ vodka. Half price for your troubles.”

Good boy Derek. Fucking awesome. “But hey, Creagan, that 750ml is going to last like 5 minutes.”

And it does. Goodbye $175.

By 10:30 everyone finally arrives, and I was straight up with them: "Uh, ya’ll. Why do you have a half drank martini from upstairs? Why did you get here, drop your coat, and go upstairs to some other small party? Why did you treat this RSVP private fucking room party like we texted you 20 minutes before the event with no other prior notice?"

RSVP means GET THERE ON FUCKING TIME. SIT WITH THE MAN OF THE EVENING. DON’T HAVE OTHER PLANS THAT COINCIDE WITH ONES YOU RSVP-ed TO. Wow. I along with others was pretty flabbergasted. But we made the most of it. And thank you to Jamal, for the extra bottle hook up! Love that Goose!

We leave there hundreds of dollars poorer, little bit more buzzed, and revved for a night in the ManGrove (Manchester Grove area… I love how this pseudo gay strip is playfully named mangrove, like it’s a men’s playground. Lol)

We do Just John’s, we do Rehab, then we do Novak’s, where party people go to have that extra shot that makes them vomit the whole next day. Actually it’s like the best fucking bar in the city for dancing and fun times. The prior scenario is just the story of MY life every time I go there :(

So the joyful ending to this story was when one of my seemingly brilliant colleagues invites “trouble” out after we’d all been drinking. And of course this colleague decides to do what I term “Start Shit in front of ‘Trouble’.” Why I have no idea.

As my boy toy arrives from a hard nights work, I am mid “BLAH BLAH BLAH DRAMAAA” because some fucking “straight” tool bag just told me I wasn’t his type, which I wouldn't normally care about, but at that point I was stomping around like a little 10 year old that didn’t get the NEW Bratz doll. Then, to add to the fun, “Trouble” decides to ask me “Why Dee!!?? Why does your colleague insist on ruining my night/life?”

So to the side walk I go. I’m over this shit. I’m sorry man friend for ruining your night. Thank you for coming, but I have to go handle some shit. Welcome to the show. Have a seat.

Ahhhhhhhh… To the "Trouble": “I don’t know and please get out of my face.” To the colleague that felt the need to invite them “COLLEAGUE GET YOUR DAMN ASS OVER HERE AND HANDLE THIS.” To the man friend I had just invited “Man friend please come back” :(

Three fucking ring circus if I ever saw it.

Sorry C, Happy Birthday. Hey, ended as I thought: Drunk Drunk Drunk.

To another year! 26!

“I’VE GOT IT!”

YAY! First day off in forever!! Amanda and I took off work this Friday to celebrate Creagan’s birthday, in a sober daytime way, (before the drunken party way like 8 hours later.)

We WERE going to go to our favorite brunch Crepes in the City, but it was a little later than brunch by the time we all got going, so we switch our plans to Caleco’s.

Two problems:
#1 I was still hung over from the night before at Caleco’s when I was accosted by NCAA wrestlers and the coaches that worship them. Thank you Nebraska boys for the vodka and toasted ravs—you made my face feel nice and numb from sweet sweet Goose. Needless to say, upon entering that afternoon, I was worried people would remember me and ask “weren’t you just here when we closed at 3am?”

#2 Any time we go to Caleco’s for lunch you may as well hand us a cocktail on entry. SO, let the games begin.

Lucky for us, this day we only had one… because "Stop 2" was The City Museum.

The City Museum is this recycled ‘Rave Kids’ dream: mirrored mosaics, slides, climbing walls, tiny tunnels leading to secret locations, etc. GREAT place for some 26-year-olds on a beautiful afternoon.

“Hey. Denise. Get in that hole. You can do it. Come on. I’ll cover your ass crack with your giant luggage purse.”

:(

Really. Why me.

“Dee. Get in this tiny hole. You just have to climb down, then climb up this slippery concrete wall, then go over the 10 ft wide barrel Marine style MAKE SURE YOUR BOOBIES DON’T SNAG ON THE PIPES!! It’s easy. You got it. I’ll take pictures.”

“HELP! MOTHER FUCKER! OW MY TIT! HELP ME! I’M STUCK!”

“Dee stop cussing! There are kids around! Where are you!!?? All I see is your left big toe. Why did you wear flip flops anyway?!?”

:( :(

Whatever, I made it. We have some GREAT pictures from this little excursion. However, I have to say, I have so many little bruises its just ridiculous. Long sleeve shirts for life.

The highlight of the City Museum was THE DARE. Amanda was like “hey kids, go up in that tall tower from hell, climb across the welded tunnel that eats thong sandals and Louis Vuitton wallets and spits them out to their death into a large ball pit, and then wait in line to go down the slide with the 10 years olds and their moms that hate us.

OK! GREAT! Come on C, it’s your birthday. It’s a dare. And we’re doing it.

In line was the best: “OW, my fucking feet! We totally wore the wrong shoes to be climbing up the tiny-stepped, death tower!!”

“WELL” says a mom, “Didn’t you read the website? I mean, come on, hu huh huh chuckle chuckle (I’m in Easy Spirit fucking tennis shoes…) It said wear tennis shoes. Poor you.”

Bitch.

So we’re off. UP, ACROSS, and DOWN the welded “tunnel” that spanned the outdoor section of this pee palace. This tunnel was made of quarter inch diameter steel rods welded in a thatch pattern with squares about 4” x 4”, and looked like an arch. “We can do this… Right? … Can we do this? … Should we DO THIS??!”

We started off fine, on hands and knees. When you get to the middle on the arch it’s a little scary. We both got stuck trying to rotate our legs around. Amanda is LAUGHING HER ASS OFF below us as I scream “CREAGANNNNNNNNNNNNN Help me!! Get it!! GET IT!”

“Get what??”

“My flip flop!! I’m holding on to it with my left big toe!! GET IT!!!” Hahaha. Funny funny. Fuckers. We get it. All is well. Then:

“DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! GET IT GET IT!! MY FLIP FLOP JUST FELL!! MOTHER FUCKER! No no no!!” Creagan’s little plaid flip flop was also almost a goner. Alas! Amanda yells “Charles!! It’s right behind you!!” Holy Shit how did it not fall through the holes?? We are soooooo lucky!

So we get over the arch of death, both still with our non-recommended flip flops, and we are now walking on a series of landings waiting our turn for the slide. And all of the sudden, C feels his ass.

“Uh. My wallets gone. Really. Where could it be. And if it is in the ball pit, who WOULDN’T steal a LV wallet?”

and all the sudden..

“I gottttttttt ittttttttt” a little voice shouts.

“What?” “Who said that?”

C and I are quite perplexed.

Then little Lindsay Lu Who from la la land comes off the death arch holding up the LV wallet!! We were like “No. Fucking. Way.”

“It was just setting there! Neat!”

Speechless.

So we both slide with wallets, shoes, and our dignity. Dare this bias!!

Random Thoughts

So, this weekend:

A 21-year-old moment

A 26-yr-old moment

A humbling, please let someone do this for me when I'm old moment.
***
So my weekend was seeeeeming going to be normal: Long work week, probably going to drink a bottle of wine one night, had plans with Creagan Friday after he got off work @9pm... all in all typical.

21: Oops I'm Drunk, Oops is that the sun?
Well Friday was halted when my Grandma Flo was still in the hospital, and I was called to be the visitor from like 7-10pm. So I go, I visit, I get home, and I'm antsy. Fucking cabin fever. And Creagan never called, so I'm totally bumming. Cabin fever plus no text from Creagan make neecie go crazy.

So, HARK! 11:35pm: "Hey Dee, what's up. It's not really late, wanna go out?"

Not late. You live 30 minutes away and we are going out a block from my house. What ev!!

So me and Creagan do gay circut Friday. First to a bar that was a recent client, so that's always fun seeing your hard work pay off, not to mention they have the most fun staff ever. So we close down that joint. Thanks for the free round, Ez and Robin!

Next: Uber gay dance disco night apparently. Yay! Party with the girls and the girls. Novak's was a fucking blast, and I only has 7 drinks and 6 jello shots before they closed 1 hour later. That's right. OMG. And OMG where did my money go. Plastic bad.

So, had as many Vodka RedBull's as me? YUP! On to the Oz!

"What do you mean I'm not free! I'm industry bitch! I don't need a paycheck stub!! It doesn't fit in this wallet purse!!
(Actually I've been using the Hooters Corporate Trainer tag for like 4 years too long... but DAMMIT IT WORKS!! Got to find that thing...)

SO, we close down the OZ! It's now 5:45 and luckily not bright outside to remind us that we are supposed to be passed out somewhere. So what else do we do?

On to a diner. Yup, on S. 4th where a client of mine had a gay disco with a diner next door, under the same parent company. Seemed brilliant, but it is no longer open and is now a recycled version of a terrible south county bar. So we find this dive diner next door and order cardiac arrests on a plate.

Fuck. Good times though. But then the sun is totally up, and Creagan had plans at noon, and I had a not so happy manfriend :( It was needed though.

26: Retail Therapy, "I have enough money, I'm not broke"
So Nick and I play nice the next morning (2:30pm) and he, Creagan and I eat "breakfast": bagels, Excedrine, and coffee. Nick's been up since 8am and had the world done and C and I were pulling our heads off the smelly pillows with only 4 hours of daylight left. Felt gooooooood.

So off to West County Mall we go. I had a coupon. Yes, I was to get $50 off of $150. I walk in, see the best season Express has had in like 5 years, and accidentally drop lke $450 :( It's all hot stuff, including the best jeans on my boo-tay I think I've ever seen. But I was going there to buy a dress for my friend Josh's bachelor party Saturday (yeah, that's right, on a gay party bus I'm a bachelor) and I didn't even buy one!! That means I spent that money for no reason. Ah well, I felt better, and Nick and I had a nice afternoon. I then proceeded to buy a new pair of shocks I'd marry if you could marry Nikes, and I had tobe done after that.

So to finish of that blissful day, Nick and I go visit C at his new job at Gulf Shores in Creve Couer. Much more his speed; yet another non-corporate he will soon own. My favorite thing? Besides the yum-delicious crab cake? Creagan's "Oops I forgot my black work shoes, all I have are these burnt orange vintage cowboy boots from the gay-disco night to wear with my black work uniform" work shoes that night. HIGH-larious. :)

Nurse Dee: To help an elder is humbling as hell
Saturday night was my first time to go take care of my Grandma Flo myself, overnight, for over 12 hours. My mom, dad, and step-dad did as much as cancelled a vacation, took a week of sick leave, and went to work the next morning with little to no sleep and came back that evening to do it all again. It was now my time to try to prove how mature and caring I could be. I wanted/needed to give all my other family members a break.

So I went in at 9:30pm, and soon discover that it was on MY shift, that she was FOR SURE getting moved to a new floor. A less hospitally floor. The speech rehab floor. YAY!! But quite honestly, I was scared shitless. I was her primary caretaker. I had to speak for her. I had to be at her beside until my mommy came the next afternoon to relieve me :( Eek.

BUT, really, it was a bonding moment. This whole process has been: both with Grandma Flo and my family. You realize what your family unit stands for. You see your dad and your step-dad able to work together. You then hope that you can create a family like that one day that will be there for you, too, one day.

I left there feeling like I played Karma for the better good for myself, and my grandmother. It's an odd feeling taking care of someone that used to take care of you. It's odd to be needed without having your own child, only two chihuahuas....

Either way, a very atypical weekend. Interesting. Learned alot about myself and my own strengths and weaknesses. Deep breathe.

D

"GRANDMA MUST BE SHOWING SOME TAT-TAYS!!!"/Grandma :(

REALLY. This was said yesterday when a guy pal of mine saw a 70 year old with 6" of beads around her fragile little neck. Way to go granny!!

Thanks to Douche, my new bff.




So yesterday was St. Louis' Mardi Gras parade.

This was my second year attending the festivities, however my first year remembering them.

I did one thing right: I had a boyfriend around. Say what you will, it is a GOOD thing for me. I am someone that needs a drinking leash "Whoa slow down, girl!" kind of thing. Last year, I did the "Pre-drink with Angela and Ann" at my old house. We filled "soccer-kids togo cups" with tea and vodka, and they were consumed on the 12 minute drive to downtown STL. Yikes. Needless to say, I was lost, with out a purse or phone, and had my mother pick me up at a temporary "police-sub-station" (a.k.a. the scariest gas station in town) at 11pm. What a nice young woman I had become.

SO, THIS YEAR HAD TO BE DIFFERENT!! I was not going to be lost. My phone would have power (I brought two extra chargers). I would not try to make out/attempt to make out with strangers. I would be able to feel my feet. I would actually SEE the parade. Yes yes yes.

And you know what? CHECK CHECK CHECK! While Amanda, Luke, Creagan, and I, as well as Douche and Kyle, all had the 48oz Hurricanes from hell, I drank mine slowly, enjoyed the parade, and remained conscious the entire day! My chest stayed in my shirt, and thanks to all the boys, and "Old man with toy stuffed dog on an 8-foot stick" we got TONS of beads!

However, I must say, going with like seven people, and "hoping" to meet up with like 2 extra people each, is a J-O-K-E joke. WHAT a clusterfuck our lives were from 2pm-4pm. "WHO'S STILL I THE PORTA-POTTY LINE" "LAFAYETTE AND WHAT?" "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" "NO NO NO I SAID GEYER NOT GAYER. 9TH AND GEYER!!"

Yuck. We walked all over trying to find our own group that had "I will be the wanderers" built into it, as well as my girlfriends that wanted to skip the best part of the day, and show up mid-afternoon to a bunch of complete FUCKS peeing while walking or starting "Plastic Fires" mid-street. After trying to find Kristen "Macys" for like 2 hours, or find one gay bar in that cluster, I was like "TO THE APARTMENT!"

So thanks to Nick and C for obliging me :) So nice. We had a chance to finish our 2nd 48oz drink from hell, and then decided to go to the westend and get some culinary delight at Culpepper's.

Enter Culpeppers: The place that everyone that was mad about the crowds decided to go to.

Enter our Server (we'll call him Bob): Bob had both floors of the restaurant to himself I swear, as they probably cut the rest of the staff early due to slow sales. HOLY HELL.

Yo Bob, we know you're busy. No really, we've all been servers. JUST BRING SOMETHING. ONE DRINK, 3 STRAWS, WE DON'T CARE. Yes, 2 people joined us. No they actually want menus, not to have you say, "Well, we're known for our wings" as you walk away and forgot to take their drink orders. Ha. Anyway, Bob was nice, just toooooo busy for anyone to enjoy the fake "Mac n Cheese penne surprise."

So, enter my real Grandma: I'm sitting there, waiting for my second Grey Goose, and bro Dougy calls: "Hey, not sure if you got mom's voicemail. Grandma's in the hospital with a stroke and seizure, you need to be here now."

Heartbroken. Absolutlely heart-broken. She is my co-being. The traits run rampid through the women on that side: Type A, very caring, yet very heard-headed women. But above all, "would do anything for anyone" kind of women.

... And yet I could do nothing but be there in that ER room. I could hold her hand, and act/pray (yes, even Catholics from my generation turn to prayer at times) that her speech could and WOULD come back if I said the right thing.

I stayed with her and my own mother in the hospital til 7am. None of us really sleeping, but once in a while nodding off knowing that my root of all goodness in my life is lying there secretly crying, silenced by the fact that her words are incomprehendable, whipering small mumbled prayers that someone, somewhere can understand her.

Please, someone understand her... and help her today.

Keep her in your thoughts.

D

What's left?

There's me!

or should I say: There's me?










Yes is it. Me surrounded by the question of What am I going to do NOW?

My first instinct is to pop a bottle of $10 Cab blend, a Schnuck's Special, and consume it all while watching the Hugh Grant collection of mediocre DVDs i for whatever reason had to own over the years.

Or I could have an interesting night with a muscle relaxer or two, and go out with a girl friend or two and people-watch in strange STL bars. I'd be smiling for no reason, and possibly putting off the Wonk eye because those little yellow devil pills put me half to sleep. Maybe that's not a good option either.

No Dee No, no bottle of wine, no muscle relaxer... those are for stress related chest pains only, and were prescription... (does heartbreak count? Hmmm)

So isn't it sad that I'm sitting here, on a Saturday night, on V-day night, like "How do I wanna chemically alter myself tonight? Hmm." I should go somewhere. But I don't want to. I should do something (god knows I have a ton of laundry to do) but I don't want to.

So what's happening is I'm getting anxious because there's all this stuff I should be doing, but I don't want to fucking move!! Argh fucking argh.

And to tell you the truth, I know my talking about my recent drama is quiet alientating. Shit, I'm tired of thinking about it much less talking about it.

Anywho, just rambling. Just thinking out loud.

Thanks for reading,

D

Table for 1

Ah... So this is what this feels like.

I had forgotten.

***

So in the last 24 hours (yeah, that's all it takes) I have realized how NOT GOOD I am at being 'alone.'

I'm a mopey bum, who naps when she's not tired.

Table for 1 please.

Utilitarian grocery store trips instead of "OOH! We can make it with THIS sauce" grocery trips.

Yuck.

It's amazing the difference one evening can make. At one point you're hopeful, and the next you're having to move on; having to think about things in a new light; having to rely on just yourself.

I don't get it: I did this for 2 and a half years recently- been Ms. Independent. So why do I wish I had someone around regardless? My guess is the ole you want what you cant have. When you live with someone and you are both always around in the evenings, sure, there are times you kind of wish you had the apartment to yourself. Granted when I feel like this I TOTALLY wish my sad phone call didn't happen yesterday. I wish I was looking at someone across this coffee shop table, that would make me unaware of all the hipster fucks talking about chemistry class and how their Chucks are old skool. Shut up and open a book kids.

Fuck Im a bitter old woman now. I need a sunny day with some pals this weekend. I need a good book and a warm blanket with a chihuahua or two in my lap. I need a new bottle of Goose because the other one's gone already...

Here's hoping: Table for 2.

Love D

Vacant

My inside is vacant.

My being is null.

My spirit is drifted.

My heart is removed.

.
.
.

Ever felt that way?

Really?

For most who say no, they'd be lying.

These last days I've been away from this online journal, I have had a wild ride:
I have lost the daily acquaintance of a beloved coworker
I have seen my grandmother hospitalized for the third time in twelve months
I have had a roller coaster with a personal relationship

These events have often times left me feeling like a human 'punching bag' of sort, slowly knocking the wind from me, taking the speed from my flight.

.... which has turned me to the 'brown bag.'

I used to be an, hmm... how can we say, 'extreme social drinker.'

Fortunately for myself, my career, and my relationships with friends and a dear significant other, in 2008 I rid my life of such toxic ingredients like bad people and binge drinking for 'fun.' I feel like a new person, an adult, a truly mature and LIFE EXPERIENCED 26-year-old woman.

Unfortunately, these recent weeks have brought back a thirst I so honestly believed I had buried. Way under ground. I am not fearful bad news will make me drink too frequent, or too much, but people have noticed: "Dee, you're drinking more again, eh?"

... "No. I'm just normal right?"

Problem is, I am drinking more than I'm NOW comfortable with. Compared to 2007 I'm an angel that only drinks Red Bull, espresso and bottled water. But really I'm boozing more than I had been.

***

So what fills this void? This newly vacant space? This heavy weight that has recently SLAMMED itself on my head, my chest, my heart and my spirit? Why did my old existing depression take the express train back into my life? I'm not sure of the answer, but I have to cope. I need people and life interaction and life experience and THINGS TO KEEP MY BUSY to cope, with anything. Yet I can't move. I couldn't even write the last 10 days, one of my new favorite past times.

In many ways I am truly blessed: good family, a roof, a car, my puppies, my health, and a career. Then why the fuck am I crying into my Grey Goose?

Honestly, I think the answer is: Because this shit is relative. Each human only understands their pain threshold for what they KNOW and what they have EXPERIENCED. I'm definitely pretty knowledgeable of the curve balls and trials life can throw our way, but I have yet to see a life threatening problem, right?

Well, life can mean many things: Living v. Dead, Action v. Still, Bloom v. Withered

For me its BEING DEE v. NOT BEING DEE

And what is 'Dee?' That to me is confidence, intelligence, humble actions, honest actions, and the personal strength to do whats right.

Right now I feel like I'm alive and have TRIED to be the 'Dee' I want to be, but it is a life-taker when you are riding the after-shocks of one rare occurrence after another, like I felt the last few weeks. Filling the void. Crying dry tears because you've cried so much.

The only thing I can say right now, the one thing I need to say, is: Thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that make my vacancy sign dim, even turn off. You are life's true blessings. As happy as I can be, or as sad as I may have been, I know things can always be a little bit better, or a whole lot worse.

As long as we always appreciate and acknowledge those true beautiful souls around us, and the things in life we do have, we shall overcome each small hurdle, and can smile each morning. New Day.

Love D

"THIS IS NOT MY SIZE ASSHOLE!!" Shopping Fun!

No, those are the right brands or designers... but you get the point.

Mama shopped on Saturday!!

So, it started off with an idea for a sweet evening: 15 local high-end boutiques were having a "cash n carry clearance" near a prominent boardwalk. If you shipped the special "invite only evening party" and paid $10 for charity, you may just get that last pair of GoldSign jeans for $40. Who knows. Maybe go for a little cocktail in Clayton afterward, invite some girlfriends and some gayfriends... Simple, innocent, fun!

As the day came, no one wanted to go shopping :*(

So we all go the next morning, and was it the fresh air, the 50 degree temps, the "did I awake in LA?" mood... who knows. But the $200 I took out for this "I'll only spend $50 at that sale" was completely gone in like 45 minutes. It was like a pricey yard sale. I got some SWEET things tho:

I calculated, I got $800 of stuff for $190. Yay!

Now, enter the scavenger hunt: NO NO NO not with goods,... with my friends that arrived later that I trying to keep up to Nick and I. So we leave the sale after having a parking lot show for Amanda and C; we looked like we were selling bad fake fendis out of Amanda's sweet new Jeep. Congrats you!

Amber and Joshy Poo are even more behind them. She claims it's because I texted them last minute that we were going-- really tho I thought Amber was already at the mall because it was a Saturday....;) Love ya lady! No but really, it was sweet that everyone was coming out for an afternoon of fun.

So then we all hit up the near by mall for a purse and shoe extravaganze at Dillard's, and DAMMIT!! I found some awesome, plaid and patent type BCBG shoes for like $40! Then... the boots. THE BOOTS THAT MADE A GAY MAN CRINGE: Normally you shouldn't buy that shit then. But I liked them dammit!! They were $52 from $298!! Of course bitch picked up that shit. YAY! I wore them today. Totally cute. Bitches.

So aside from two new dress shirts, and some MAC fun, we hadddd to be done.

Oh waittttttttttttt, nope. We are heading for the notorious STL Loop. Into Brandt's we go. I fucking LOVE that place! We did have a VERY charismatic server, we'll call her Meow. Meow loves her glasses. Meow told us about her glasses, and her dad's eye care insurance, and her favorite frames designers for about 15 minutes all because Nick complimented her frames. wowy. Great service tho.

We had a light lunch: World's biggest salads for real. Here Amanda, C, really, please, have some lettuce. Nick takes one for the team and orders the first alcoholic beverage of the day (Thank you Nick--granted beau had been with 3 "ladies" all day.. probably pretty tired of the shop thing)
So vodka Dee ordered. Mmm this salad's better. Enter, Amanda and C's crab cakes: the normally smallish cake delights were half-pound patty size. We give the server the ole "WTF but thank you" face. "Oh, you know, they messed up. Enjoy!" Amanda says it looks like cat food. Score one for Dee! YAY crab cake! Best in the city seriously.

....This was slowly becoming one of the happiest days of my life.

So, feeling full of yummy food and vodka, and having $.10 left to shop with, we do some power clearance shopping at a shop I used to work at.

OMG. Look at that dress. Holy Fuckstick. What a sweet "Vicky Beckham wanna be and my boobies would look spectacular" dress. Ouch, $240. "Oh, I'll give you 70% off" says the girl as she sees my drool, picks my up off the floor and scoots me into the dressing room. "It's a little busty... so you know.... that's why it's on clearance" warns the sales women.

'I've got this shit' I think. No wait, WAIT, WAITTT. Holy shit I'm stuck. Was it the one vodka that did this to me?? DAMN YOU VODKA! How did I not see that I didn't unzip the side zipper all the way. Either way, here comes Maternal Miss our sales rep. Oh theres a boobie. Oh there's my fat ass looking out the fitting room door. "Sorry ya'll. Sorry about the bootie. Amanda come help me!! GET OUT MA'AM!" So Amanda helped me yank that shit over my head. Size 6 my ass. Or maybe it was a "size 6 for no tits" and bitch told me it would fit. God sales people are crazy. Do you see these shelves?? No way. Any way, I found a nice navy wrap dress for like $20 that fit my girls and my tush just fine, and we were outtie.

That was enough. We all laughed the rest of our walk, and my charming PERFECT manfriend had to twist it, "That just made my day."

Ok manfriend,... I did have you watch me shop all day. I'll give you a get out of jail free card. >:(

Great day tho. Thanks everyone for making it one of those Saturdays.

Oh yeah, and yes, we did finally see Amber and Josh 3 hours later on the street. Good to see you too. Jk babe, loved your sweater. :)

D

The Curse of the Alpha

"If you are a born leader, clever and pretty, it is just possible that you can be an Alpha female, like someone else you know personally who leads well and aspires to beat the proverbial glass ceiling."

-WikiHow; Wikipedia "How To"

So... I've been called an Alpha my whole life. Not that I'm clever, pretty, or a born leader... But it has been stated.

Great! I guess I should have a chip on my shoulder, I should get ahead at work, and I should have an easy time with friendships with women and relationships with a significant other.

HA! HA FUCKING HA!

I swear my "personality-type" is CURSED.

From Men:

We are quite feared. I honestly believe that. Yes, we are hard-headed. Yes we are always right. (So we think) BUT look at the past history: Have we been right? Are we logical in our thinking? Have we had well-rounded lives thus far that allow for a little extra opinion? Most men cannot handle an alpha female: if they could they would just go for another man. I kid I kid. But really, that's why cliches are in fact cliches: men want a more demure, softer, quieter, women, therefore someone that doesn't challenge them.

From women:

The look.... OHHHH the look! "Who that does that bitch think SHE is??"

...."Your future boss, Bitch."

No but really, Alpha v. Non-Alpha is like anything else in the life of a woman: We always want what we DON'T or CAN'T have. Curly hair v. Straight hair. A smart guy v. a funny guy. A speedy convertible or a ballin SUV for ladies night....

Or in this case: Are the introverted girls HATING Alphas because they wish they could speak up in public?? Is that all? Alpha women do NOT, I repeat do NOT "TRY," it is in fact something we normally cannot help: we just dooooooooo.

(...Hey non-Alphas, come here a minute... closer: Sometimes Alphas wish we could be quiet too, and not say what's on our minds, and have boxes carried for us just because we're in heels, etc... but we immediately metaphorically smack ourselves and wake up, because if that were the case, we couldn't sleep at night knowing we had held something in.)

...I digress. Please, you must understand, Non-Alphas: The stronger-minded women of the world find it as hard to understand YOU as YOU find it hard to understand us, and our actions. I have had girlfriends that REALLLLLLY wanted to do something, to say something, to verbally kick someones ass when they were emotionally abused, and they FROZE. I am in awe: HOW are you not saying anything. SAY SOMETHING. JUST SAY IT!!!!

Yet nothing.

Then I realize this is a psychological prison for some people. Being open-minded and STRONG-minded is a blessing that all extroverted people should appreciate every single day of their lives. Yes we sometimes make an ass out of ourselves, (Whooooa I've been there) but at the end of the day, I am happy I speak my mind. I ultimately have no regrets, and can honestly say I hide nothing: I show my true colors at all times.

Now there are downfalls here: Maybe a potential new mate, or potential new best friend, or potential new employer does NOT in fact, like outspoken females. Well, to each their own. I'm moving on to find someone that DOES appreciate me.... and yes, you will find it.

I'm finding myself currently surrounded by friends and a significant other that truly appreciates me for ME. Do you know how good that feels?? I have known women that we dating someone, and they hadn't been themselves the WHOLE TIME. They were playing a part--simply because they knew what the guy liked. This disgusts me so much: it's unfair to both parties, and ultimately no one will win in this scenario.

I will leave everyone with this: If you ever feel that you live vicariously through someone who exemplifies one personality trait YOU want: Try it. Little by little. See if it works for you. See what kind of response this new attitude gets you. See if you even feel comfortable being that "person." If so, GREAT! You may see new things come to the horizon for you. If not, at least you know your limits.

BUT DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN ALPHAS GET SOMETHING THEY SPOKE UP FOR. THEY ARE TAKING A RISK EVERY TIME THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS FOR THE FIFTH TIME IN THAT MORNING MEETING.

IF YOU WANT THAT SAME AUTHOIRTY, MAKE IT HAPPEN BITCHES! Stand up for yourselves for once, for fucks sake... and feel the grand glory of being an alpha female.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :D

D

Economic Atmosphere, 4th Quarter 2008: Fat is up 80%

McDonald's stock is up 80% net from last year 4th quarter...

So from Late 2007 to Late 2008, instead of 1 Billion Burgers Sold, 1.8 Billion Burgers were Sold.... (example)

...But really, that's almost double!


Hey everyone, Stock of the moment to invest your "extra money" into: WEIGHTLOSS PROGRAMS! Not only because it's January/February 'Lose the Holiday weight season' but MORE SO, because the world is choosing a more pocket-friendly alternative to the Applebee's WeightWatchers lunch: The $2.99 DOUBLEcheeseburger Value Meal from McDonalds. Or, as my 6'2" 150lb male 'I can dispose of all transfasts and not gain' co-worker told me: "Jack in the box is selling a Jumbo Jack, 2 tacos, and a large fry for $2.99. I had it yesterday, and it was AWEsome!" Granted, this co-worker was one of the 1-in-10 U.S Citizens that worked at a McDonald's in their lifetime, and he did call it "the Machine." Says Boy-Genius, "It really is a machine, and it will always do exactly what it takes to stay on top and overcome all challenges [Super Size Me ring a bell?] and will keep sales rising."

Wow... So this is what it's come to? Don't mind the fact that I've had the food education of a lifetime the last 9 months while dating Nutritionist/Personal Trainer Mr. Nick. As a tradionally healthy 'Farmer's Daughter' I thought my spinach salad and soup lunch, then grilled chicken and grilled asparagus dinner was healthy. Now I know of such daemons as uncertified organics, falsely advertised natural products, special dietary ratios, antagonist and synergists in nurtients within your body, etc.
IN LAMENS TERMS: There's a ton of products out there that YOU may think are healthy, even found in the NICE grocery store, and they are actually SHIT. Certain nutrients can be fighting against something ELSE you are taking, possibly in supplement form, to help your body's specific needs. Furthermore, the chemicals your 'healthy' proteins were pumped with at birth and through the growth cycle, are 10x worse than certain more fattening proteins.

Back to Fast 'Food' Chains from hell:
The problem is--There's no easy way to feed a family of 5 during a recession. The more we lend out, the more prices will inflate. The more superstores and restaurants SAY prices are being slashed on necessity items like Eggs, Milk, Raw Veggies and Beef to "Help you get past the recession," they are hiking the prices on toiletries and processed and packaged goods. So really, they are screwing you over x2. You THINK you're saving money and you are NOT, AND you are eating SHIT food that is "eco-priced," which normally means the farmers or the shipping company got fucked with lowered costs, or your qualitative value has decreased substantially.

So, Where do you turn?

I had a simple rule of my own (BEFORE I met health-guru):

Shop the outside of the grocer ONLY: Think about it, where are all the 'non-processed' foods? Produce-Dairy-Protein-Bread
It's brilliant, and aside from the 24-pack of bottled water and cheap wine aisle, you are out the door 30 minutes faster because you are not aimlessly walking around the 24 aisles. ALSO, you tend to save money with no 'Promotional end caps' of nacho chips and the 'fake cheese that is supposed to be sold with them' extravagant purchases.

Now with Health-Guru's help, I've noticed that these "outside perimeter purchases" also need to be "Pre-washed, Organic if it all possible, Grass Fed Beef, Free-Range no antibiotics Chicken, Wild Caught Fish, Free Trade Coffee products" to name a few.

Basically: These are food products that were 'farmed' the way nature intended the animals to eat, and live. Or, they are products that were farmed with workers earning a living wage for a quality product. While these products are traditionally more expensive because of the TLC put into their production, there is a whole movement to push the #1 Money Maker in the world: The Food Processing Industry to get on board with these eco-friendly practices. Until that happens (which it won't without hard-government intervention) the prices will remain higher than most crap-product. There are "Generic USDA Certified Organic Brands" out there. Certified is VERY important!! Schnucks has 360 degrees. Shop N Save has Wild Harvest. Then there's Trader Joe's: A Store that only sells it's own brand of well made, mostly organic products.

But I digress, HOW TO FEED MULTIPLE HUNGRY KIDS with little money:
Well, While 'Family Bags' of grilled chicken for $5.99 are kind of a joke at that price for that much product, we do have to say: That is a hell of a lot better than: "4 #14's Super Sized and 4 Cherry Pies. Oh what? Oh we'll have Diet Cokes. We're on a diet!!"

Really. Wtf is up with that. Or 8 Mich Ultras and a 20 piece order of Hooters chicken wings.
Come on people. Join the movement.

Stop eating this junk; it's killing you.

Dr. D

The Theory of RelativiDee

Everything is Relative.

Period.














Ever hear something from a colleague, family member, or friend and think, "WHAT?? How did that even come out of your mouth??"

...Then you realize: 'Oh... That's THEIR perspective.'

But when the Colleague-Family-Friend person SAID the statement, they seemed SO sure of their statement; IT is the ultimate truth, and your view is wrong.

But wait, waitttttt, who decides which point of view is correct? Are any views or opinions correct? Even those seemingly INSANE people: Can we judge their statements or actions? Have you been through what they have in the last 24 hours cycle of hell? Probably not.

What about the drama queens (yours truly)?? What if their drama stems from experience that has come round and round again, and they are simply speaking from frustration of ALWAYS being the ones that have "been there, done that?"

Then there is normal: "Normal" things in life, the "Normal people" that just say, what I TEND TO THINK, are the dumbest, one-sided things:
#1 "The roads are fine." Says an office manager, on why the Salaried Employees who have laptops and can work from home can't have a "Snow Day." WHOS ROADS ARE FINE?? Ever lived border-lined Bourgeois-Ghetto? One block mansions, one block ghetto? They are called red-lined zones: And no services go there: Taxis, PD, and STL City Employed Snowplow Drivers. Bumfucks. WHY NOT?? All the 'County' Roads, where everyone ELSE in my company lives, are wonderfully cleared/covered with magic salt by their boring White-Male Snowplow drivers, who get paid via high-property tax dollars. Not me :(
It's ok, I'm not bitter

>:(

#2 "Everyone in St. Louis in the fine dining industry has worked there." I'm sorry, the word-vomit came up: "What? What do you mean? Who is everybody?" uhhhhhhh.....
No really, when people say these things, you kind of have to teach them a lesson from using words like "Every" "Never" "Always".... Bad. Confusing. Excessive, much?
"Maybe everyone knows each other in the small circle from your friends-of-past that worked at the OTHER place the owners opened, therefore having possibly 100 people in a network of friends-friends you may have gotten drunk with on a case of '2 Buck Chuck' at someone's house party. Yuck.

Please people. Stop saying things like this. You normaltons have no excuse like "insane" or "drama queen." And you know what? Please, throw this back in my face if I do it in front of you!! I don't want to be example #3....

Word up.

D

Painting is Fun

Ah... How exciting. It's like Spring Cleaning... Only it's snowing 6" tonight and my toes are frost bitten while inside. Hmmm.

Today was PAINT DAY! Thank you Nick for driving my ass to the "nearest" Home Depot

Special thanks go out to the Sandman, Bill and Bob, though they'll never read this... It's nice to say anyway ;)

So my company switched logos recently, and we had this UBERlogo on the walls of our conference room. Also the room needed a quick pick-me-up too, so I decided to volunteer for a job; a job that would get me away from a computer screen for 2 days, and would be easyyyyyyyy.

L. O. L. no

So I go spend $135, $135 plus interest and steak and vodka I hope to be repaid. Seriously.

I bought some nifty things: A tape roll with a "drop cloth" attached, I put drop cloth in quotes because this shit tore left and right, a paint bucket the size of your hand that rests on your wrist so you can keep just a bit near you while you do trim work, and an all-in-one kit full of shit I don't know how to use. It's ok tho, remember, I'm getting reimbursed, right?

So the point of all the paneling protection, light switch protection, and most importantly, floor and floorboard protection, is to AVOID paint in those areas. As my boss will discover tomorrow, I was resting my extended roller handle, roller down, on the drop cloths sometimes. Well, wouldn't you know I walked all over that shit, and subsequently all over the carpet :( Bad tennis shoes, bad!

Anywho, primer is done, and my high is almost gone. Tomorrow we paint "OPAL CREAM" or some shit. yay!! It's so cute. Kind of looks like a cousin to Big Bird, but with a more pastel take. I think it will be pleasant yet energizing. Let's hope everyone else thinks so :) I picked it out alone.

Toodaloo!

D, aka PaintFace