Vacant

My inside is vacant.

My being is null.

My spirit is drifted.

My heart is removed.

.
.
.

Ever felt that way?

Really?

For most who say no, they'd be lying.

These last days I've been away from this online journal, I have had a wild ride:
I have lost the daily acquaintance of a beloved coworker
I have seen my grandmother hospitalized for the third time in twelve months
I have had a roller coaster with a personal relationship

These events have often times left me feeling like a human 'punching bag' of sort, slowly knocking the wind from me, taking the speed from my flight.

.... which has turned me to the 'brown bag.'

I used to be an, hmm... how can we say, 'extreme social drinker.'

Fortunately for myself, my career, and my relationships with friends and a dear significant other, in 2008 I rid my life of such toxic ingredients like bad people and binge drinking for 'fun.' I feel like a new person, an adult, a truly mature and LIFE EXPERIENCED 26-year-old woman.

Unfortunately, these recent weeks have brought back a thirst I so honestly believed I had buried. Way under ground. I am not fearful bad news will make me drink too frequent, or too much, but people have noticed: "Dee, you're drinking more again, eh?"

... "No. I'm just normal right?"

Problem is, I am drinking more than I'm NOW comfortable with. Compared to 2007 I'm an angel that only drinks Red Bull, espresso and bottled water. But really I'm boozing more than I had been.

***

So what fills this void? This newly vacant space? This heavy weight that has recently SLAMMED itself on my head, my chest, my heart and my spirit? Why did my old existing depression take the express train back into my life? I'm not sure of the answer, but I have to cope. I need people and life interaction and life experience and THINGS TO KEEP MY BUSY to cope, with anything. Yet I can't move. I couldn't even write the last 10 days, one of my new favorite past times.

In many ways I am truly blessed: good family, a roof, a car, my puppies, my health, and a career. Then why the fuck am I crying into my Grey Goose?

Honestly, I think the answer is: Because this shit is relative. Each human only understands their pain threshold for what they KNOW and what they have EXPERIENCED. I'm definitely pretty knowledgeable of the curve balls and trials life can throw our way, but I have yet to see a life threatening problem, right?

Well, life can mean many things: Living v. Dead, Action v. Still, Bloom v. Withered

For me its BEING DEE v. NOT BEING DEE

And what is 'Dee?' That to me is confidence, intelligence, humble actions, honest actions, and the personal strength to do whats right.

Right now I feel like I'm alive and have TRIED to be the 'Dee' I want to be, but it is a life-taker when you are riding the after-shocks of one rare occurrence after another, like I felt the last few weeks. Filling the void. Crying dry tears because you've cried so much.

The only thing I can say right now, the one thing I need to say, is: Thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that make my vacancy sign dim, even turn off. You are life's true blessings. As happy as I can be, or as sad as I may have been, I know things can always be a little bit better, or a whole lot worse.

As long as we always appreciate and acknowledge those true beautiful souls around us, and the things in life we do have, we shall overcome each small hurdle, and can smile each morning. New Day.

Love D