"GRANDMA MUST BE SHOWING SOME TAT-TAYS!!!"/Grandma :(

REALLY. This was said yesterday when a guy pal of mine saw a 70 year old with 6" of beads around her fragile little neck. Way to go granny!!

Thanks to Douche, my new bff.




So yesterday was St. Louis' Mardi Gras parade.

This was my second year attending the festivities, however my first year remembering them.

I did one thing right: I had a boyfriend around. Say what you will, it is a GOOD thing for me. I am someone that needs a drinking leash "Whoa slow down, girl!" kind of thing. Last year, I did the "Pre-drink with Angela and Ann" at my old house. We filled "soccer-kids togo cups" with tea and vodka, and they were consumed on the 12 minute drive to downtown STL. Yikes. Needless to say, I was lost, with out a purse or phone, and had my mother pick me up at a temporary "police-sub-station" (a.k.a. the scariest gas station in town) at 11pm. What a nice young woman I had become.

SO, THIS YEAR HAD TO BE DIFFERENT!! I was not going to be lost. My phone would have power (I brought two extra chargers). I would not try to make out/attempt to make out with strangers. I would be able to feel my feet. I would actually SEE the parade. Yes yes yes.

And you know what? CHECK CHECK CHECK! While Amanda, Luke, Creagan, and I, as well as Douche and Kyle, all had the 48oz Hurricanes from hell, I drank mine slowly, enjoyed the parade, and remained conscious the entire day! My chest stayed in my shirt, and thanks to all the boys, and "Old man with toy stuffed dog on an 8-foot stick" we got TONS of beads!

However, I must say, going with like seven people, and "hoping" to meet up with like 2 extra people each, is a J-O-K-E joke. WHAT a clusterfuck our lives were from 2pm-4pm. "WHO'S STILL I THE PORTA-POTTY LINE" "LAFAYETTE AND WHAT?" "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" "NO NO NO I SAID GEYER NOT GAYER. 9TH AND GEYER!!"

Yuck. We walked all over trying to find our own group that had "I will be the wanderers" built into it, as well as my girlfriends that wanted to skip the best part of the day, and show up mid-afternoon to a bunch of complete FUCKS peeing while walking or starting "Plastic Fires" mid-street. After trying to find Kristen "Macys" for like 2 hours, or find one gay bar in that cluster, I was like "TO THE APARTMENT!"

So thanks to Nick and C for obliging me :) So nice. We had a chance to finish our 2nd 48oz drink from hell, and then decided to go to the westend and get some culinary delight at Culpepper's.

Enter Culpeppers: The place that everyone that was mad about the crowds decided to go to.

Enter our Server (we'll call him Bob): Bob had both floors of the restaurant to himself I swear, as they probably cut the rest of the staff early due to slow sales. HOLY HELL.

Yo Bob, we know you're busy. No really, we've all been servers. JUST BRING SOMETHING. ONE DRINK, 3 STRAWS, WE DON'T CARE. Yes, 2 people joined us. No they actually want menus, not to have you say, "Well, we're known for our wings" as you walk away and forgot to take their drink orders. Ha. Anyway, Bob was nice, just toooooo busy for anyone to enjoy the fake "Mac n Cheese penne surprise."

So, enter my real Grandma: I'm sitting there, waiting for my second Grey Goose, and bro Dougy calls: "Hey, not sure if you got mom's voicemail. Grandma's in the hospital with a stroke and seizure, you need to be here now."

Heartbroken. Absolutlely heart-broken. She is my co-being. The traits run rampid through the women on that side: Type A, very caring, yet very heard-headed women. But above all, "would do anything for anyone" kind of women.

... And yet I could do nothing but be there in that ER room. I could hold her hand, and act/pray (yes, even Catholics from my generation turn to prayer at times) that her speech could and WOULD come back if I said the right thing.

I stayed with her and my own mother in the hospital til 7am. None of us really sleeping, but once in a while nodding off knowing that my root of all goodness in my life is lying there secretly crying, silenced by the fact that her words are incomprehendable, whipering small mumbled prayers that someone, somewhere can understand her.

Please, someone understand her... and help her today.

Keep her in your thoughts.

D

What's left?

There's me!

or should I say: There's me?










Yes is it. Me surrounded by the question of What am I going to do NOW?

My first instinct is to pop a bottle of $10 Cab blend, a Schnuck's Special, and consume it all while watching the Hugh Grant collection of mediocre DVDs i for whatever reason had to own over the years.

Or I could have an interesting night with a muscle relaxer or two, and go out with a girl friend or two and people-watch in strange STL bars. I'd be smiling for no reason, and possibly putting off the Wonk eye because those little yellow devil pills put me half to sleep. Maybe that's not a good option either.

No Dee No, no bottle of wine, no muscle relaxer... those are for stress related chest pains only, and were prescription... (does heartbreak count? Hmmm)

So isn't it sad that I'm sitting here, on a Saturday night, on V-day night, like "How do I wanna chemically alter myself tonight? Hmm." I should go somewhere. But I don't want to. I should do something (god knows I have a ton of laundry to do) but I don't want to.

So what's happening is I'm getting anxious because there's all this stuff I should be doing, but I don't want to fucking move!! Argh fucking argh.

And to tell you the truth, I know my talking about my recent drama is quiet alientating. Shit, I'm tired of thinking about it much less talking about it.

Anywho, just rambling. Just thinking out loud.

Thanks for reading,

D

Table for 1

Ah... So this is what this feels like.

I had forgotten.

***

So in the last 24 hours (yeah, that's all it takes) I have realized how NOT GOOD I am at being 'alone.'

I'm a mopey bum, who naps when she's not tired.

Table for 1 please.

Utilitarian grocery store trips instead of "OOH! We can make it with THIS sauce" grocery trips.

Yuck.

It's amazing the difference one evening can make. At one point you're hopeful, and the next you're having to move on; having to think about things in a new light; having to rely on just yourself.

I don't get it: I did this for 2 and a half years recently- been Ms. Independent. So why do I wish I had someone around regardless? My guess is the ole you want what you cant have. When you live with someone and you are both always around in the evenings, sure, there are times you kind of wish you had the apartment to yourself. Granted when I feel like this I TOTALLY wish my sad phone call didn't happen yesterday. I wish I was looking at someone across this coffee shop table, that would make me unaware of all the hipster fucks talking about chemistry class and how their Chucks are old skool. Shut up and open a book kids.

Fuck Im a bitter old woman now. I need a sunny day with some pals this weekend. I need a good book and a warm blanket with a chihuahua or two in my lap. I need a new bottle of Goose because the other one's gone already...

Here's hoping: Table for 2.

Love D

Vacant

My inside is vacant.

My being is null.

My spirit is drifted.

My heart is removed.

.
.
.

Ever felt that way?

Really?

For most who say no, they'd be lying.

These last days I've been away from this online journal, I have had a wild ride:
I have lost the daily acquaintance of a beloved coworker
I have seen my grandmother hospitalized for the third time in twelve months
I have had a roller coaster with a personal relationship

These events have often times left me feeling like a human 'punching bag' of sort, slowly knocking the wind from me, taking the speed from my flight.

.... which has turned me to the 'brown bag.'

I used to be an, hmm... how can we say, 'extreme social drinker.'

Fortunately for myself, my career, and my relationships with friends and a dear significant other, in 2008 I rid my life of such toxic ingredients like bad people and binge drinking for 'fun.' I feel like a new person, an adult, a truly mature and LIFE EXPERIENCED 26-year-old woman.

Unfortunately, these recent weeks have brought back a thirst I so honestly believed I had buried. Way under ground. I am not fearful bad news will make me drink too frequent, or too much, but people have noticed: "Dee, you're drinking more again, eh?"

... "No. I'm just normal right?"

Problem is, I am drinking more than I'm NOW comfortable with. Compared to 2007 I'm an angel that only drinks Red Bull, espresso and bottled water. But really I'm boozing more than I had been.

***

So what fills this void? This newly vacant space? This heavy weight that has recently SLAMMED itself on my head, my chest, my heart and my spirit? Why did my old existing depression take the express train back into my life? I'm not sure of the answer, but I have to cope. I need people and life interaction and life experience and THINGS TO KEEP MY BUSY to cope, with anything. Yet I can't move. I couldn't even write the last 10 days, one of my new favorite past times.

In many ways I am truly blessed: good family, a roof, a car, my puppies, my health, and a career. Then why the fuck am I crying into my Grey Goose?

Honestly, I think the answer is: Because this shit is relative. Each human only understands their pain threshold for what they KNOW and what they have EXPERIENCED. I'm definitely pretty knowledgeable of the curve balls and trials life can throw our way, but I have yet to see a life threatening problem, right?

Well, life can mean many things: Living v. Dead, Action v. Still, Bloom v. Withered

For me its BEING DEE v. NOT BEING DEE

And what is 'Dee?' That to me is confidence, intelligence, humble actions, honest actions, and the personal strength to do whats right.

Right now I feel like I'm alive and have TRIED to be the 'Dee' I want to be, but it is a life-taker when you are riding the after-shocks of one rare occurrence after another, like I felt the last few weeks. Filling the void. Crying dry tears because you've cried so much.

The only thing I can say right now, the one thing I need to say, is: Thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that make my vacancy sign dim, even turn off. You are life's true blessings. As happy as I can be, or as sad as I may have been, I know things can always be a little bit better, or a whole lot worse.

As long as we always appreciate and acknowledge those true beautiful souls around us, and the things in life we do have, we shall overcome each small hurdle, and can smile each morning. New Day.

Love D

"THIS IS NOT MY SIZE ASSHOLE!!" Shopping Fun!

No, those are the right brands or designers... but you get the point.

Mama shopped on Saturday!!

So, it started off with an idea for a sweet evening: 15 local high-end boutiques were having a "cash n carry clearance" near a prominent boardwalk. If you shipped the special "invite only evening party" and paid $10 for charity, you may just get that last pair of GoldSign jeans for $40. Who knows. Maybe go for a little cocktail in Clayton afterward, invite some girlfriends and some gayfriends... Simple, innocent, fun!

As the day came, no one wanted to go shopping :*(

So we all go the next morning, and was it the fresh air, the 50 degree temps, the "did I awake in LA?" mood... who knows. But the $200 I took out for this "I'll only spend $50 at that sale" was completely gone in like 45 minutes. It was like a pricey yard sale. I got some SWEET things tho:

I calculated, I got $800 of stuff for $190. Yay!

Now, enter the scavenger hunt: NO NO NO not with goods,... with my friends that arrived later that I trying to keep up to Nick and I. So we leave the sale after having a parking lot show for Amanda and C; we looked like we were selling bad fake fendis out of Amanda's sweet new Jeep. Congrats you!

Amber and Joshy Poo are even more behind them. She claims it's because I texted them last minute that we were going-- really tho I thought Amber was already at the mall because it was a Saturday....;) Love ya lady! No but really, it was sweet that everyone was coming out for an afternoon of fun.

So then we all hit up the near by mall for a purse and shoe extravaganze at Dillard's, and DAMMIT!! I found some awesome, plaid and patent type BCBG shoes for like $40! Then... the boots. THE BOOTS THAT MADE A GAY MAN CRINGE: Normally you shouldn't buy that shit then. But I liked them dammit!! They were $52 from $298!! Of course bitch picked up that shit. YAY! I wore them today. Totally cute. Bitches.

So aside from two new dress shirts, and some MAC fun, we hadddd to be done.

Oh waittttttttttttt, nope. We are heading for the notorious STL Loop. Into Brandt's we go. I fucking LOVE that place! We did have a VERY charismatic server, we'll call her Meow. Meow loves her glasses. Meow told us about her glasses, and her dad's eye care insurance, and her favorite frames designers for about 15 minutes all because Nick complimented her frames. wowy. Great service tho.

We had a light lunch: World's biggest salads for real. Here Amanda, C, really, please, have some lettuce. Nick takes one for the team and orders the first alcoholic beverage of the day (Thank you Nick--granted beau had been with 3 "ladies" all day.. probably pretty tired of the shop thing)
So vodka Dee ordered. Mmm this salad's better. Enter, Amanda and C's crab cakes: the normally smallish cake delights were half-pound patty size. We give the server the ole "WTF but thank you" face. "Oh, you know, they messed up. Enjoy!" Amanda says it looks like cat food. Score one for Dee! YAY crab cake! Best in the city seriously.

....This was slowly becoming one of the happiest days of my life.

So, feeling full of yummy food and vodka, and having $.10 left to shop with, we do some power clearance shopping at a shop I used to work at.

OMG. Look at that dress. Holy Fuckstick. What a sweet "Vicky Beckham wanna be and my boobies would look spectacular" dress. Ouch, $240. "Oh, I'll give you 70% off" says the girl as she sees my drool, picks my up off the floor and scoots me into the dressing room. "It's a little busty... so you know.... that's why it's on clearance" warns the sales women.

'I've got this shit' I think. No wait, WAIT, WAITTT. Holy shit I'm stuck. Was it the one vodka that did this to me?? DAMN YOU VODKA! How did I not see that I didn't unzip the side zipper all the way. Either way, here comes Maternal Miss our sales rep. Oh theres a boobie. Oh there's my fat ass looking out the fitting room door. "Sorry ya'll. Sorry about the bootie. Amanda come help me!! GET OUT MA'AM!" So Amanda helped me yank that shit over my head. Size 6 my ass. Or maybe it was a "size 6 for no tits" and bitch told me it would fit. God sales people are crazy. Do you see these shelves?? No way. Any way, I found a nice navy wrap dress for like $20 that fit my girls and my tush just fine, and we were outtie.

That was enough. We all laughed the rest of our walk, and my charming PERFECT manfriend had to twist it, "That just made my day."

Ok manfriend,... I did have you watch me shop all day. I'll give you a get out of jail free card. >:(

Great day tho. Thanks everyone for making it one of those Saturdays.

Oh yeah, and yes, we did finally see Amber and Josh 3 hours later on the street. Good to see you too. Jk babe, loved your sweater. :)

D

The Curse of the Alpha

"If you are a born leader, clever and pretty, it is just possible that you can be an Alpha female, like someone else you know personally who leads well and aspires to beat the proverbial glass ceiling."

-WikiHow; Wikipedia "How To"

So... I've been called an Alpha my whole life. Not that I'm clever, pretty, or a born leader... But it has been stated.

Great! I guess I should have a chip on my shoulder, I should get ahead at work, and I should have an easy time with friendships with women and relationships with a significant other.

HA! HA FUCKING HA!

I swear my "personality-type" is CURSED.

From Men:

We are quite feared. I honestly believe that. Yes, we are hard-headed. Yes we are always right. (So we think) BUT look at the past history: Have we been right? Are we logical in our thinking? Have we had well-rounded lives thus far that allow for a little extra opinion? Most men cannot handle an alpha female: if they could they would just go for another man. I kid I kid. But really, that's why cliches are in fact cliches: men want a more demure, softer, quieter, women, therefore someone that doesn't challenge them.

From women:

The look.... OHHHH the look! "Who that does that bitch think SHE is??"

...."Your future boss, Bitch."

No but really, Alpha v. Non-Alpha is like anything else in the life of a woman: We always want what we DON'T or CAN'T have. Curly hair v. Straight hair. A smart guy v. a funny guy. A speedy convertible or a ballin SUV for ladies night....

Or in this case: Are the introverted girls HATING Alphas because they wish they could speak up in public?? Is that all? Alpha women do NOT, I repeat do NOT "TRY," it is in fact something we normally cannot help: we just dooooooooo.

(...Hey non-Alphas, come here a minute... closer: Sometimes Alphas wish we could be quiet too, and not say what's on our minds, and have boxes carried for us just because we're in heels, etc... but we immediately metaphorically smack ourselves and wake up, because if that were the case, we couldn't sleep at night knowing we had held something in.)

...I digress. Please, you must understand, Non-Alphas: The stronger-minded women of the world find it as hard to understand YOU as YOU find it hard to understand us, and our actions. I have had girlfriends that REALLLLLLY wanted to do something, to say something, to verbally kick someones ass when they were emotionally abused, and they FROZE. I am in awe: HOW are you not saying anything. SAY SOMETHING. JUST SAY IT!!!!

Yet nothing.

Then I realize this is a psychological prison for some people. Being open-minded and STRONG-minded is a blessing that all extroverted people should appreciate every single day of their lives. Yes we sometimes make an ass out of ourselves, (Whooooa I've been there) but at the end of the day, I am happy I speak my mind. I ultimately have no regrets, and can honestly say I hide nothing: I show my true colors at all times.

Now there are downfalls here: Maybe a potential new mate, or potential new best friend, or potential new employer does NOT in fact, like outspoken females. Well, to each their own. I'm moving on to find someone that DOES appreciate me.... and yes, you will find it.

I'm finding myself currently surrounded by friends and a significant other that truly appreciates me for ME. Do you know how good that feels?? I have known women that we dating someone, and they hadn't been themselves the WHOLE TIME. They were playing a part--simply because they knew what the guy liked. This disgusts me so much: it's unfair to both parties, and ultimately no one will win in this scenario.

I will leave everyone with this: If you ever feel that you live vicariously through someone who exemplifies one personality trait YOU want: Try it. Little by little. See if it works for you. See what kind of response this new attitude gets you. See if you even feel comfortable being that "person." If so, GREAT! You may see new things come to the horizon for you. If not, at least you know your limits.

BUT DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN ALPHAS GET SOMETHING THEY SPOKE UP FOR. THEY ARE TAKING A RISK EVERY TIME THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS FOR THE FIFTH TIME IN THAT MORNING MEETING.

IF YOU WANT THAT SAME AUTHOIRTY, MAKE IT HAPPEN BITCHES! Stand up for yourselves for once, for fucks sake... and feel the grand glory of being an alpha female.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :D

D