YELLOW CAB BURNS IN HELL....

Hello bitches! Meet Kristen, one of my fellow LA bias...

So, I actually go to my interview today. BIG DAY. Or wait, I tried to go.

I wake up with plenty of time for breakfast, a shower, and a little MySpace time. I called LA Yellow Cab, (the company Creagan and I use all the time) and they were like, "5-15 minutes." So, it's a little before 9 and I was just taking my time, thinking they'd call to announce when they were here. After about ten minutes I go outside, look at my watch, and it's 9:05. I'm like, "o.k... plenty of time..." So,... ten minutes later, they are now TEN minutes late. I call. "where's my cab?" "Oh sorry ma'am... it's on the way." TWENTY minutes later... no car. WHAT THE FUCK??

I notice a Checker Cab driving slowly down the street and I was like, fuck it, "Hey!! Come get me!!" He waved his hand like he was busy... and then pulls over like a block away. Two seconds later I get a recording-like phone call saying, "This is CHECKER cab.. you car is ready." I was like, What's this? That's not even the right car company! AH! So, AGAIN I call YELLOW cab.

"HELLO!!!! YOU GUYS ARE FOURTY MINUTES LATE. I HAD TO POSTPONE AN INTERVIEW, WHAT IS GOING ON?" This was another operator than the first two times. I tried to be nice... but I was SO upset. I never wanted to go back inside for fear that the cab would come by and leave, and there for piss me off! So the new operator was like, "well that's bullshit! Where could they be? Oh wait! What's this? It looks like you order was placed to another cab company since we couldn't get there."

This is when I realized that the bitch down the street WAS my cab. They lady on the phone insisted I stay on the line until we found out for sure. When I was about a half block away, the driver began walking my way. I yelled, "I THINK YOUR MY CAB!" He goes, "For Dennis?"

IT'S DENISE DAMMIT! But yeah... lets go.

So I hop in the car. Apparently they not only screwed me over, but the Checker Cab drove to the "right" address; the original operator just couldnt hear properly. Bitch.

SO... that interview went well. Neecie got herself some freelance work. Holla!

I got home later than expected because I was like an hour late for interview #1, and the client and I talked for quite awhile. So I return after my WALK back (Saving $10... killing my f-ing feet) and I realize I have to leave again in like 20 minutes :(

So I do some more MySpace... and then it was cab time again! This time I was VERY happy that they arrived inside of FIVE minutes. (It's amazing huh?)

Well... I don't know what's worse, being late, OR ALMOST FUCKING DYING WHEN TOONSIS THE DRIVING CAT IS BEHIND THE WHEEL. JEEZZZZ! I tell the guy I had to be in Beverly Hills in 20 minutes, thinking "hey, it's 1:10 and a Thursday... how long can it take?"

He freaks out! He's like, "Jeez lady, we need to hurry!" This whole time he's whizzing in and out of lanes... abruptly jetting around corners to take side streets to avoid lunch time traffic on Santa Monica or Melrose. It was INSANE! We got to Wilshire in like 3 minutes... SERIOUSLY, and then it was stop... stop... stop... ALL THE WAY DOWN WILSHIRE. 18 blocks, oh my god. I was about to puke. SO THEN THE FUN STARTS.

"Here you go sir, would you like to go ahead and call in the autorization for my credit card? The last guy had to call it in and it took awhile-"

"OH MY GOSH MA'AM! No cash??" He whips his head around twice like he didnt believe his eyes the first time. Meanwhile shouting, "You wait til NOW? YOU WAIT TIL NOW? OH MY GOSH... OH MY GOSH..." in his weird little Russian meets Chinese voice. I cannot even explain it. "WE STOP AT ATM... Yes yes... we stop there! He points to a US BANK we were 1 second from passing. God knows what kind of driving manuver he would have made to swing that. "WE DONT HAVE TIME!" I yell... "You have to use my card sir, I have 5 minutes til my appointment, and its only a block away."

So, crisis overted: He had a card swipey thing. No idea what the damn drama was. He then "needs to get my phone number" incase something with the transaction went wrong. Either way, the Russian-Chinese-American Jeff Gordon wannabe got me there on time during heavy Beverly Hills traffic. Kudos to you Mr. Gordon.

Interview #2 went well. I could tell that they had like 1000 applicants for this position though. Boo :(

So... tonight I'm dog sitting for my bia bia Kristen. Yeah!

P.s... Project Runway news: GO MICHAEL... again... he's like my gay, black lover. MUAH! I also loved Uli's dress like always.

It's also VMA's night! Holla! Can't wait to see who will make a desperate publicity attempt. My money is on Jessica Simpson and John Meyer... since they are fucking, i mean dating,.... and both have CD releases in like a week.

FUN FUN!

Much love,
D

They were his MAGIC SHOES

Seriously, I have some giant blisters the size of silver dollars on my feet. I am definatly bringing sexy back. I officially have a DIFFERENT job at Who's on Third. It's a small cafe near the Beverly Center that is just what I was looking for, non-corporate. I was actually considering working at the fucking CHEESECAKE FACTORY! I know....I've stooped lower before though. I also have been writing some random stuff. Denise mentioned it before. It's just an online paper that is progressive and a good way to pass those long Californian Hours. Also, I am working on submitting my "coming-out" story to a Harvard publication looking to publish an anthology that will be used to educate those newbies and raise money for AIDS research. I didn't really think I had a "story" so to speak but I bet I can create something heart-wrenching and hilarious. I'm thinking "white-trash Frat boy becomes white-trash faggot". It has a nice ring to it.

Tonight is exciting because it is the MTV VMA's! I bet Britney won't be making out with Madge this time. (DAMN) But, Justin is performing. If I had a TIVO I would totally be using that performance as spank material later....Woot Woo!

I flaked out on an interview to be a Maitre D' at the Geisha House today. Between the blisters and the sweat and the pure inablity to smooge another person, I decided to let it go. Let some one with more desire to climb to the top of the C-list ladder have the job.

Hopefully, my direct deposit goes through tonight and my checking account will be in the red again. Keep your fingers crossed ya all! Tommy need drinky.

So, heres that website: www.losangeles.broowaha.com. Leave a comment if you can!

Oh and lets all pray to the Project Runway Gods that Kayne isn't kicked off next week. I mean, you gotta admit, that outfit coulda worked if he had lost the belt and not made the collar so big. RIGHT?! TEAM KAYNE!!!

C is published!

Hey everyone...

Just a quick note. C was published today! It's a Los Angeles online newspaper called BrooWaHa. His article made the front page today. I'M SUCH A PROUD (sugah) MAMA!!

haha.

Anyway, check it out, its totally cute. He's too f*ing bashful to load it on here. BUT ITS EXCELLENT...

Much love,
Denise

p.s. no Big Plans tonight... those were cancelled and are now being replaced by shopping at the American Eagle on Hollywood Blvd, and watching Project Runway. GO MICHAEL!!

Dream on girl, dream on...

Hi all... meet Shannon in the black.

So last night the Ogden gang and I went to Rage on Santa Monica for the best drag show ever, the "Dream Girls Revue." We had a stack of ones and drinks... it was going to be an excellent time. Oh wait... but I was the only one drinking vodka... three beers does not equal three vodkas... I always forget that.

So I wake up today, still with a sore throat and other cold symptoms that popped up yesterday, but now ALSO had a hangover.

9:35--wake up... FREAK OUT... remember I had an interview with Sotheby's Int'l Realty firm

9:36--wake up Creagan, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?? I HAVE 45 MINUTES TO GET READY AND I SMELL LIKE VODKA AND TRANNIES!! Not to mention the nausea from the vodka and from being sick..."

9:37--Creagan falls back asleep :(

9:45--Called out of the best interview I've been offered so far. SOTHEBY'S... I was so upset.

4:45--Wake up for the day (seriously.) Rant and rant to Creagan about my loser status that I would never hear from them ever again.... blah blah. HOWEVER, I did have a few LA numbers on my cell from the day. As I'm about to listen to my voicemails... Sotheby's calls me! They HR director was like, "Hi Denise... how are you?" My jaw dropped.

I have another interview tomorrow!! YAY! I literally asked her "why?" She said, "You did call out, and I gave you no notice (15 hours)... I understand; It's my job to understand."

I love her.

So my day is looking up.

Throughout my day though, I did a lot of thinking. If I'm going to stay in LA to "chase my dream," I should not sit at home all fucking day dreaming ABOUT IT. I need to realize that I need to get off my ass before 10 or noon (YES, I do think 10am is early.) Sad right?

So tomorrow is booked atleast. 9:30 freelance interview with a London-based author. 1:30 Sotheby's interview... and MAYBE I'll go to the American Apparel on Melrose interview at 6pm. Creagan and I both got a call from them tonight after we did some 6am "hey, lets put resumes under doors" the other day. AND IT WORKS! He's gotten like 4 phone calls from doing that!

The problem with American Apparel, is you need to "dress accordingly" for your first interview. What the fuck is that? OH, we know... its because their 1970s porn ad campaign is fully comprised of people that work there... Hmmm... move to LA to do 70's porn styled ads.
NO. big no.

I think we are going to this after party tonight with Shannon, one of the 800 roommates I have. It's a party for Jewel at the Grove. We'll see. DEFINITELY no drinking for me. And the fucked up thing? No one, I mean no one, believes that I'm not drinking tonight. Bitches :)

Much love,
D

The Adventures of Romi and Michelle...

So... Here I am...
Finally in a large market, PLENTY OF FUN AND JOBS AROUND ME...

We think we are SO cool... walking around in our shades.... SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT! That's the trick to possible "WE WANNA SEE ANYONE FAMOUS" fans looking at you. It's weird. Funny thing, huh? We are ready to take over in LA and begin our careers as bad mother fuckers... (that's right... its the wallet that says bad-mother-fucker...)

Howev all I see is porn, 1988 Farrari's and trany-hookers!

Why are The Hills SO close, yet so far away?? This is the theme of week one is West Hollywood, CA. We see the hills every day while we are WALKING 35 blocks for jobs that we are "over qualified" for and we don't want... or restaurant jobs that are SO prestigious at Johnny Rockets that 35 year olds with MBAs are working there and there is a 6 month waiting list for employment.
How?
How can people afford this shit?
C and I were SO thrilled the other night when we had a two drink, two pool game, two bar, and one amature-half-naked-dancer-on-a pole-during-Latino-night 4 HOUR EVENING...

for the low LOW price of $22.75.

YES WE COUNTED! Oh wait! Let's not forget the $2 service fee for the "UPSCALE" LA BARS THAT DONT TAKE CREDIT CARDS... yet another ATM trip I do not remember...

So, in other news...
LOTS of replies to GREAT jobs! 35K, 42K and climbing. I see those high-end boutiques in my tunnel vision... BUT NO SECOND PHONE CALLS. "You are a great interview Ms. Denise!"
yet silence...

My boutique shopping this week has been the Santa Monica Blvd Target and late night drunken strolls saying, "hey... there's a futon... we dont have a matress... but we could use it... couldn't we?"

Ick... where's our Gucci and Prada? Where's our Edward Morris coming to our second story window after our years of hookerddom and being pretty women?

Well, maybe next week will be AWESOME! Until then, its MySpace at midnight, and re-runs and re-runs of Project Runway and Fresh Prince...

Much Love,
D

OH YEAH, I'LL GET THE NUMBERS FOR YOU: F-U-C-K Y-O-U

Well, yesterday, while strolling down Melrose with Denise, we stopped into Fred Segal for a little look-see. HELLO! Suddenly, reality slaps you right in the face. I need some money, NOW.

I mean, lets face it, I can strut and pretend that people know who I am (which, just so you know, is really fun). I can walk around pretending that I'm not unemployed and sharing an apartment with 14 roommates (2...but..ok). I can crawl on my belly back to St. Louis if need be. BUT, I refuse......REFUSE.....to be pushed around. Listen up LA...you too WEST HOLLYWOOD:

I HAVE EXPERIENCE. I AM CUTE. I AM FRIENDLY! GOD DAMN IT.

I can not make coffee for 7 dollars an hour with no tips and no benefits for 8 and half hours a day (full time) being classified as part time and making less than you told me I would at the stupid interview. NO. I can't. I can not call random baby doctors to ask if I can find out what kind of copier they have. I will not dress up as a tree frog or other fantasy character for less than 10 bucks an hour. FUCK OFF.

I will wake up as early as possible, I will walk my ass up and down every street until some stupid restaurant hires me and I will find a job this week that is contingent on the experiences that I have acumulated over the last few years.

P.S. Go see Material Girls...its precious.

TEAM HILLARY (death to Hailey)

Peace out...on to more emails!