Man I'm old

This week has been a rough wake up call...










So I'm super psyched about a lot of things new in my life: New job, new boy friend, new chance to play softball with some good friends...

Things are looking up.

But fuck! How did I used to do this stuff!!? Haha, it's bad! Like I used to be a bartender on 10 hour shifts, 5 days a week, and used to play a sport for 3 hours no problem.

I'll tell you what; after 3 insane shifts at the bar, and a double header Softball afternoon, I'm totally out of order today. Like burnt to a crisp from waking up before noon and being in the sun all day on Sunday, and quads and hamstrings and triceps sore from doing random bar necessities I have not performed in 3 years.

It will all pass of course. Just the first week or two will be a bit rough. I feel 96, not 26. I feel like an albino that hung out around the equator a day too long...

On the bright (punnnnn) side, after softball (and Ezra's soccer game) we went to our friend Phil's rooftop oasis, and grilled some chicken, and drank till the sun went down. I was a wonderful experience after a long weekend. New aquaintences seeing each other at our best (drunk) and PEOPLE WATCHING EXTRAVAGANZA!! Holy hell. So fun. By 9:30 that rooftop felt more like a family reunion.

Anywho, good times. Things are going really well. I just have to ask one thing...

...Anyone have some fucking aloe?

Dizzle

BLISS

This is what I had been doing the last 3 weeks... Sleeping, Drinking, Taking pictures of my puppies Max and Katie. (He is really that small. Like a midget warlock/gremlin Chihuahua :)








But now.... I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in so long. I have taken everything that wasn't working for me, and LUCKILY found fabulous things to replace them. Out with toxic communications, in with positive relations.

For the last month I have been doing some thinking, some extreme soul searching, and made some bold moves.

I quit a job in a recession, and did not have the cliche "three months' salary in savings."

I had a "soon to be" amiable split with Nick, which we had a nice coffee hour yesterday, and politely agreed that the split was a good thing for both of us. He's doing well in business, and I'm trying to get back to "Dee," trying to find some sides of me that were lost in translation over the last few years.

I met a GREAT man, Ezra, very shortly after my split. We started off just having coffee, or a late night Uncle Bill's buffet. Things moved into a great relationship. I can't ask for more: he's honest, he's there for me, he's not pretentious, and he wears the same hats I do. It's almost too cute. I need a pic of us together so I can POSTTTTT it. :) We are going to a wedding together this weekend; Hopefully I get a chance to show him off to the InterwebTwitterFaceSpace.

Another GREAT thing, is I'm getting opportunities to connect to my new neighborhood. The other night a friend of mine brought up available spots for a LBGT friendly Softball team, and it's sponsored by my coffee house down the street!! I am SO excited!! I was infamously snubbed last summer by two gal pals that I introduced, when they joined a kickball team behind my back, thinking that because I was in a relationship I wouldn't be "fun" or something. Not into the frat boys with the coolers. Who knows. So this opportunity is SUGARYSPLENDA sweet. I'm getting to relive my softball days (10 years ago, yikes) with a beer on the side. lol

Also, this week, I bit the bullet and bought some long time over due art supplies. I have had this bug in me for the last few years to start "creating" again, and I've been shopping oil paints and drafting tables ever since... Just never wanted to shell out the money. Well Ez and I went shopping the other day, and you know, dating someone creative and being around friends that have creative hobbies such as music or art, makes you want to just go for it. I found some GREAT deals on a "starter" set of paints, and brushes. I also bought a nice brush, 2 canvases, and a sketch pad to "play with" before I waste a canvas. Totally psyched.

Now that I have my "extra room" for "something extra" I may put a table in there. But honestly I'm vieing for a move in the livingroom set up, so I can paint in front of my french doors.

Now the grand finale: I GOT A JOB YESTERDAY!! SUPER PSYCHED!! It's a wine bar in Belleville, IL, which is about 10 miles east of St. Louis. There is an adorable "main street" by this giant foutain, circle drive, plaza type area, and my bar is RIGHT THERE.

http://www.thewinetapbelleville.com/













So this is the middle room that's available for reservations, and by the front door is where me and a partner will have 8 small tables and a decent sized semi-circle bar. Beyond this middle room is a 60-person heated, covered, patio. Next weekend they are having a cabaret show!! I was like, this is my place. Then the owner goes, "So you know Dee, their songs can, get kind of risque... Is that ok?" HA! I was like "Thank you!!"

I will bartend like any other for about 3 or 4 weeks, then I'm the manager. :) I work the same night as many of my friends, which is great. I am giving up weekends til the end of time, but the owners Allison and Dave were realisitc when I said there would be negotiations, like "2 weekend nights off a month" and my base salary for management. I honestly couldn't be happier with them. Wonderful people, entreprenuers, and about all, humble as anyone could be.

I feel like I've taken a happy pill.

What an amazing turn of events from my recent blogging. And you know, I understand things won't always be perfect, but the weight that has been lifted from my back is significant, and I am going to hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Thank you to everyone that has my back and has been sending me daily love and good vibes.

One last thing: Shout out to my girl Kristen!! She just got a KILLER upgrade on life as well!
#1 New job: she'll be an Albequerque transplant working for the local NBC affiliate. Great pay raise, along with jumping over 100 markets (news talk for going from a smaller city to a bigger city)!! You are well on your way to STL or better, and you know it. Congrats Chica!!
#2 And also, I have to mention, your newest love interest is a wonderful man, AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. Keep it up girl. 2 Kudos. ;)

Much Love,
D

The Haunted

Have you ever been incapable of shaking something? A feeling? A thought?

A haunting?


I'm currently having a daily/nightly fucked up vibe that I cannot shake.

It's a terrible feeling. Not like a ghost. I should be so lucky. Fuck, give me a spirit that opens my cabinets or steals my clothes and then floats around in them.

No... This is much different. This is one of those things that people should probably go to counseling for: something that rots away your positive mind set and makes you feel as though you're fucked up for life.

Recently I have been fucked up for life, even if it's just in a minuscule way, in just one aspect of life.

I have almost all but lost the ability to trust. Is anyone else with me? It feels like a lonely feeling. Like everyone else probably does not have such paranoid thoughts. But I have a sneaking suspicion that OTHER people think this as well, however keep the thoughts locked away, and just take it. They take the daily mind-fuck with a grain of salt, and just deal.

I think this new observation has been building for a while actually: it has stemmed from a few choice events from a few choice people in my life. Some from relationships, yet recently even at work. Shit so fucked up it made me tell a man to get out of my life after a year of dating, and walk out on my job of 2.5 years all in the same month.

Ever felt the breeze? Ever heard the metaphorical crickets? Ever heard and seen the tree fall in the forest? These are things you notice when you just wiped your slate clean.

Step two is feeling the chill: the ever-presence of these fucking words that dipshits spouted out to you that RUINED your day. These words and actions make you wonder something very important:

DO I DO THIS ALL THE TIME? Am I running?

How these fucking thoughts have haunted me. Damn the mother fuckers that have said them.

(And yes, I do acknowledge that I am so frustrated because it may possibly be true.) Dammit :(

Bottom line, I got RID of the toxins in my life and can now move on.

I will find a new job. I will rekindle/maintain relationships with my near and dear friends. I have found a great guy that values me for my quirkiness and blunt attention to issues good and bad.

With this new freedom from my previous career and me and my ex's freedom to flourish separately, I finally believe I can find a new me.

Now I just have to push this last daemon away.... Shoo thoughts, don't bother me.

Don't bother me anymore.