The Haunted

Have you ever been incapable of shaking something? A feeling? A thought?

A haunting?


I'm currently having a daily/nightly fucked up vibe that I cannot shake.

It's a terrible feeling. Not like a ghost. I should be so lucky. Fuck, give me a spirit that opens my cabinets or steals my clothes and then floats around in them.

No... This is much different. This is one of those things that people should probably go to counseling for: something that rots away your positive mind set and makes you feel as though you're fucked up for life.

Recently I have been fucked up for life, even if it's just in a minuscule way, in just one aspect of life.

I have almost all but lost the ability to trust. Is anyone else with me? It feels like a lonely feeling. Like everyone else probably does not have such paranoid thoughts. But I have a sneaking suspicion that OTHER people think this as well, however keep the thoughts locked away, and just take it. They take the daily mind-fuck with a grain of salt, and just deal.

I think this new observation has been building for a while actually: it has stemmed from a few choice events from a few choice people in my life. Some from relationships, yet recently even at work. Shit so fucked up it made me tell a man to get out of my life after a year of dating, and walk out on my job of 2.5 years all in the same month.

Ever felt the breeze? Ever heard the metaphorical crickets? Ever heard and seen the tree fall in the forest? These are things you notice when you just wiped your slate clean.

Step two is feeling the chill: the ever-presence of these fucking words that dipshits spouted out to you that RUINED your day. These words and actions make you wonder something very important:

DO I DO THIS ALL THE TIME? Am I running?

How these fucking thoughts have haunted me. Damn the mother fuckers that have said them.

(And yes, I do acknowledge that I am so frustrated because it may possibly be true.) Dammit :(

Bottom line, I got RID of the toxins in my life and can now move on.

I will find a new job. I will rekindle/maintain relationships with my near and dear friends. I have found a great guy that values me for my quirkiness and blunt attention to issues good and bad.

With this new freedom from my previous career and me and my ex's freedom to flourish separately, I finally believe I can find a new me.

Now I just have to push this last daemon away.... Shoo thoughts, don't bother me.

Don't bother me anymore.