Evening Thoughts

...a.k.a. Wine induced thoughts.

Do we notice a trend in the ole' recycling bin? I can't take all the credit, danke Ezra. However today it was only I that filled the bin with bottles. Ezra moved today and I'm left feeling empty...


In the last few weeks, I have been playing the yo-yo game with the man in my life. We have had what is seemingly the 'easy-come, easy-go' 3 month relationship; yet he brings something fresh to my relationship think-tank. He has been the first man I've dated that REALLY is my complete opposite; my challenger, to which I proclaimed defeat 3 times. :(

Ezra and I have the spunk and wit, as well as livers, to have a delightful relationship full of laughs and parties, and also have intelligent conversations, and cozy nights at home. However, we are also two type-A personalities, as well as both bull-headed, and have opposite interests in many accounts. SO, it made for an interesting 2 months.

Well, our final curtain call was a mature conversation regarding arguing a hand full of times, and we decided maybe it was best to be friends.

4 days later... we break the new friend rule with an unforgettable night.

We go back and forth trying to figure ourselves out. We have a great public 'air' as a couple; and are so well KNOWN as well as that duo! I swear, if one of us are out alone within the city limits at one of our usual spots, the bartender, cashier, or acquaintance goes "where's the other one? Your lady friend (or man friend) with the hat?" Ha! (We both wear hats, like 2 dorks in newboys.)

Enter this recent week: After a long weekend at the bar, Ez and I had the most amazing 3 days. Still referring to each other as "friend" as a reminder, we keep things non-sexual, maybe a kiss here or there, and only sleeping next to each other if the hour called for it.

We had one evening, that surprised me even as it was happening:
We saw "The Hangover" (awesome flick) which left me in the mood to be in a casino or loud bar. We did Nick's Pub, then headed over to Lumiere Place's GloBar. There was buzz in the air, and in our heads, and the bar had sexy high-backed red leather booths. We sat there asking life-long questions: "Where do you see us living?" "What would our place look like?" "Can you see us together for a long time" completely immersed in each other.

Such a great time.

I went to work that weekend a little freaked out, honestly. AM I TRULY DOING THIS AGAIN? AM I FEELING THIS? See, I'm the girl that tells her girl friends "If you break up more than once, it's a sign it should be over." So, how can I feel this way, such hypocrisy?

I was honest with him the whole time, speaking concern for our direction. He understands, however is more "go with the flow" than I. I'm a mathematician with my heart, a business woman that looks at history and past figures to direct me. Always have.

One thing Ezra has shown me: I cannot ALWAYS let history play such a role. And it's not just him: I have had 3 0r 4 ex-boyfriends ask me: "Are you always going to just give up, and move on? You'll be alone for life."

Fuck.

I thought I was just DATING. Right? I'm only 26, and sure, I've had my fair share of relationships both long and short, but it doesn't mean I should just "stick one out." AHHH.

Ez said one thing to me that leaves me perplexed: "Maybe those few arguments are us just 'feeling each other out,' getting to know each other. Maybe it's not fighting, it's just us getting a chance to understand how the other thinks, feels, and communicates. Maybe for us, it's a necessity and we are getting better everyday."

Hmm. To me it was like arguing. Like not getting along. I don't get it.

Anywho, things were going well, and I just left myself NOT DEFINE IT. I think that is the key right now. Just trust yourself, and trust the person, DO NOT DEFINE IT. Relish the good company, and just be happy with the present.

On Saturday, I got off work, and in 2 hours had the most RIDICULOUS conversations with two men, one a friend of the past and one a new acquaintance, that I wanted to throw up. I lost alllll faith in men. And almost in our species. HOW FUCKING DUMB can men be sometimes to suggest such things, and speak with such arrogance. Go fuck off people, or call me when you're sober and over your bull shit.

Unfortunately, it brought my current high down to a "really, Ez is leaving, and we should just be friends. What was I thinking." MY DUMB ASS parlayed these feelings at 4am on my way home, fueled by my previous hatred to all men from just an hour before. the conversation started innocent enough, and then something hit a button, and I caught him completely off guard. I just let out a slew of negative thoughts :(

So dumb.

I woke the next day remembering his soft, tired, questioning voice "What happened in the last 12 hours? Are you ok? What did I do?" I cannot remembering feeling so ill as that morning. We decided to meet up that afternoon, before his departure. I told him while I apologized for bringing more attitude to the table than he deserved due to my previous bullshit men had delivered, my concerns were real. We decided to have a nice afternoon and try our best to work things out, whatever that means. We will talk while he's gone, and try to see each other when he's home.

Whatever this endeavor is to bring, it is teaching me to wait though the rain, and then see the blooms. It is teaching me that I do rely on having "someone" in my life all the time: SO MUCH that I do not know my own self. I haven't allowed myself to blossom.

SO, Here I sit, alone on my normal "Monday through Wednesday happy manfriend time with Ezra."

'Tis the season for me to feel loved, to try to communicate my friendship, and love over 200 miles away, and to just be at peace by myself.

Much love,
D