A Little Coffee... A Little Motion

It's amazing the mood swings one can suffer in a matter of hours... This post is simply a reflection of my life in the last 12 hours.





So this afternoon I was particularly lonely, as I am and will be every Wednesday while Ez is in the greater Champaign/Urbana area. HOWever, I decided to have a day filled of things: mall, organize office, laundry... etc. My day would be so busy I wouldn't mind being alone.

But I have a hard time ACTUALLY motivating myself when I'm depressed/alone. My friends know this well: when they come by I slowly start cleaning. lol

So today in my lazy hours, I watched The Departed, a great movie to get your mind off love and feelings, then like and IDIOT I watched 27 Dresses. I WANTED A BOY AROUND DAMMIT!! Depresssssso. So I decided to TRY to spread love: I messaged Ez like 5 messages like "Muah" and "Can't wait til Friday!" It worked. It's like how people say 'smiles are contagious'; well apparently so are pleaseant texts. Ezra sent me lovely, and sometimes dirty, texts the rest of the evening. Took my mind off this cluster situation for a few hours.

So after waking up at 1:15pm, and doing the movie thing til like 7pm, I went to the mall, and did the usual retail therapy: MAC cosmetics and Express. I did feel better!

Upon leaving, I was like "WTF self. Why when you leave the mall do you become sad again."

I guess I knew I would be going home to sit. To wallow. To feel alone again.

So there I sat.

And I'll tell you what, I have not felt THAT DEPRESSED since my personal dark days in 2004-2005. HOW did I have a swing like that? WTF? I was just pacing my apartment, looking at all the things I had to do: organize office, 3 loads of laundry, put dishes away, put LAST weeks clean laundry away. (fuck I had been lazy this week...)

I could do nothing. I, like many people, can't do many daily functions when they are having a depressed feeling.

So I deliberated: should I drink? Nah, don't have enough to make a difference, and I didn't want to feel like shit tomorrow on my 13 hour shift. Take a muscle relaxer? Nah, I'm already to down, that would worsen it. Should I start taking these "herbal anti-depressants" that someone gave me during the dark days that still are as addictive as clinical anti-d's therefore I never took them anyway, NO...... This would pass.

The problem is,... I didn't feel good last night, either. And I told myself I'd sleep it off and tomorrow would be another day. Well, today was another day,... and I still feel like shit. That's the scary thing. Everyone has a bad day, right? But the only people that worry are the ones that see two days turn into a week and possibly turn into a month or 2004-2005. Haaaaaaa I digress.

So I did what anyone would do: I took two Excedrine (yes, I actually was getting a headache, however the caffeine does make for a lovely side-effect), and drank a Starbucks double shot. AMAZING. I was better!!

I got my ass up, started some laundry, FINALLY put my office together, got out some oil paints and did my first canvas in 8 years! What a cool few hours. ** Check it, Smurf hands from my blue paint!

I ate a late meal (fattening but makes me HAPPY!), made some new friends online in a liberal chatroom, and basically just relished this new up swing.

So now I'm happier, slightly too full, and wide awake at 3am. The joys of being a slightly depressed bartender with too much time, and paint, on her hands...



Swing Swing,
D