Legally Bomb

There's the real Elle. The character Elle from the movie Legally Blonde played by Reese Witherspoon. The character that was written by intelligent yet amusing professionals.

Below is the story of a different Elle, from Legally Blonde, the Musical >:( So Many Things Completely Wrong...

... completely wrong.

I sat there, during the second act, wondering if the play-writes for the Legally Blonde Broadway Play were lighting the bong for the first half of the the writing process, and then smoking out of it for the second half.

What, the fuck.

Really. It was such a good first half!! With the exception of the cheerleader friend ruining the bend and snap song. She was like "Why do you think guys always stick with the cheerleaders?" "I don't know friend, why? Because ya'll run around jumping up and down showing your panties?" "Haha..." says the cheerleader. "Exactly! And because we demand attention!!"

WOW! Glad the girl scouts in the next section heard that shit!! Then she continued to bend over like 16 year old groupies at a hip-hop concert. Fuck. Call me old, call me old-fashion, but WE ALL KNOW I've done my fair share of 'fun' and even I'm calling a 'WTF' for this show.

I need to add in the small part of PLAGIARISM that Amanda so kindly pointed out (most likely to dear Creagan's obsession with the Little Mermaid soundtrack). Their song "Please let me be.... Le-gal-ly.... Blonnnnnnnde!" Sounded a bit too much like "Parttttt of your: worrrrrrrllllddddd!" Listen for yourself at the 1:15 minute mark. Holy hell.


There was also the fact that some characters were completely out of whack with the original movie, which was so sad, because it was the CASTING and CLEVER WRITING that kept Legally Blonde, the movie, so socially acceptable, uplifting, and relatable to girls everywhere, or all ages.

#1 The lady professor: SUCH A KEY ROLE, totally removed. How? She's the 'wench' professor from the beginning of the movie, that brought Elle back from life after Callahan hit on her. She told Elle, "If you going to ruin your life because of one stupid man, you're not the girl I thought you were" and then did her eyebrow/facial expression magic that made Elle stay at Harvard and finish her Harvard Law education! And at the end of the movie, during graduation, this woman gave her SUCH a cute send off!!

#2 They made Emmit's role much stronger, to the point that it seemed he and Elle were flirting and dating throughout the play. Not the point or AT ALL what happened! Completely wrong! It looked like 'Callahan's assisitant', Emmit, got Elle her internship. Bah. Negative Ghostwriter. And an interlude: The scene where Elle tell's Emmit he needs to change his wardrobe, WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Not in the movie, totally out of character. And to top it all off, they compare Emmit to Warner, her 'douche bag wrapped in a douche box' ex boyfriend. As if all guys need to look like Ken Dolls. Ugggggg.

#3 They played DOWN the comradery of Elle and Vivian, Warner's NEW girlfriend, in the second act!! What about the scene where they bond over the Coursework and how Warner WAS WAITLISTED to get into Harvard and Elle was NOT?? Pivotal Scene!! Again: Removed! Why?? To save time for a shiteous second act full of time filling songs and dance numbers?

Aside from crutial character flaws, there were also HUGE issues with Political Correctness. wow. WOWY! Two fag-hags (of course that's PC, duh) were slapping their knees this shit was so wrong. They made gay men out to be gallivanting size 26 waist ballerina sailors, and made the 'token lesbian' law intern only out to check out both Elle's AND Mrs. Windom's ass and tits the whole time!! Where the hell did that come from?! Enid Wexler's part in the movie was cruel at first yes, as were all Harvard students, but warmed up to a true and undiniable appreciation for Elle, and her brain, not her rack or vag.

At the end of the song below, which I assure you is a MUSTn't see (I still can't decide if it was really wrong or just midwest wrong), they changed all the lights in the theatre to reflect that of a gay pride flag, as if EVERYTHING in a gay man's life is WHITE POINTY TOED SHOES and SAILOR SHIRTS and TANNING and GAY PRIDE FLAGS.

Listen to this shit below, Then YouTube "Gay or European and watch all the cartoons put to this song, its a fucking RIOT!



FUCK PEOPLE!! Why do you think there are so many damn Homo-phobes around. I can rattle of a dozen names of close colleagues that are like "No, man, I'm not a homophobe, I have a couple gay aquaintences. As my wife says, as long as they don't come after me!! Huh huh!" Really, this is what White-Bread American men think: Watch out straightmen!! They're all after your dicks!"

Now I'm not sure if it was before the worst gay-themed song ever written, or after, but... Last I leave you with this thought:

A strapping young man, in a tight UPS outfit, joining an already unorganized group of in-costume actors on stage, with no sets, no special lighting...
He holds up a large white box, so big as to hold a dozen fully bloomed, long-stemmed roses, and instead of giving this box to his love interest, Paulette, he holds it to his crotch, as if to make a giant white folic symbol with a fucking bow on it!!! And the actor holds it there... and yells "I've got another package!" ....5 or 10 seconds too long!!

Then in comes this Celtic Irish jig music from act one, the same music that Paulette said calmed her down for a reason unknown (I couldn't understand half her words, thank god I had seen the movie or I'd be lost) and AND THE WHOLE DAMN COMPANY STARTS DOING A JIG. Why?? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Amanda and I were like: "Really? Really?"

Then a chorus line emerges, leg kicks and all, and again we are bewildered. All the characters were dressed and ready for their next parts... so was simply a badly written time filler? And if so, why did they RUSH all of the the first half's music?

...Turns out there was no point at all to the 5 minute chorus line skit. They wanted a round of applause. The 15 eldery couples with season passes and no binoculars laughed and applauded, because they didn't understand how bad it was and how out of context the whole 2nd half was becoming.

Yuck booey. I really wanted this to be amazing. Dinner was great. Thanks Amanda for going out and being a witness to this story. LOLs.

Well Woods (comma) Elle, it was a nice try, great first act, but we even knew you were hurting trying to NOT LAUGH at what the producers and writers made you sing come Act 2....

D