Conservibal, Libertive... Whatever

I was just thinking about something I heard the other day, drove me NUTS.

(And you know, even great acquaintances can drive ya nuts, hell, I'm lame at times, aren't we all?)

A friend of mine is cheating her federal tax information to keep a state-aided, federal-backed financial benefit. Now, I HEAR her side, and KNOW ALL THE CONTEXT, but I am not cheating. Am I? Hm. I don't "have all the ____ she has in her life," but really. Why am I PAYING MY TAX MONEY, TO HER FED-AIDED PROGRAM, SO SHE CAN WORK LESS AND MAKE THE SAME. Hm.

Almost as bad as the WORST example of our fucked up tax system:
SIUE, 2002, Sociology class (could not have had a better setting). There was a outspoken token brown-haired "would suck dick to get ahead in the political arena" Republican in a J.Crew sweater and an initial-embroidered LL Bean backpack. We were talking about the Food Stamp/LINK Card programs. She raised her hand and said "When I went to U of I, me and my 3 roommates were filling out our financial aid forms, and there was this box 'check if you want to see if you quailify for LINK.' So we checked the box. We all got like $400 a month for food! It was awesome. Like so much food money in one student apartment! It was awesome, because we didn't necessarily need it, but we got it."

Uh. Sure bitch. Sure you didn't need it. Doesn't sound to me like you were a "grants only paid my way" kid who bussed your ass to school. Not to undercut her, but I hated her and that whole BS monologue she spewed out.

Then, a well-spoken, 35 year old black woman raised her hand, "Hi. I have 2 children from a common-law type relationship. I work full time, and pay for baby-sitting, and am trying to get my degree to better my life and the lives of my children. Unfortunately, I get about $270 a month on my LINK card. So what's wrong here? That's for my whole family!"

Then Repub-slut retorts "It's not my problem you had children early." wtf.

Come to think of it, there was another LL Beaner in there, a 45-year-old that was on Unemployment for the EIGHTEENTH MONTH!!! I HAD to say something. "How are you on Unemployment for that long? Get a job some where. I'm bartending to pay for my bills, and I'm still pulling a 3.3 gpa. Why can't you?"

She replied, "Why shouldn't my company pay me still, and if I can get government aid too, why not. There's no way I'll find a job like I had, so I'll just go to school and then I'll look."

GOD PEOPLE!! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS PAYING FOR YOUR ASS TO SIT AT HOME AND GO TO SCHOOL FOR 8 HOURS?? Who do you think is paying for your Schnucks brand Cream Corn and generic 2-ply so YOU can afford Jack Daniels and Virginia Slim cartons?

Fuck you all.

Sheesh I sound so conservative. I'm not completely. I am all for civil rights movements, therefore will typically vote democrat. AHHHHHHHH

See my dilemma?

Ah. Afternoon thoughts. Delightful.

D

Boys and Boys, Girls and Girls

You know, I've always secretly hated 'girlie girls' with their groups of 7 that all buy the same fabric handbags they made at their Aunt Sherrie's purse party, and the girls that undoubtedly will be at our 10yr reunion in 2 years with a 5 year wedding band on and pics of their second infant. I just felt like they were missing something: why not hang out with some boys, too? And not like on Saved By the Bell, where hanging out meant dating all of them in rotation. I mean like, LET YOUR TOM BOY SIDE SHINE. Not every girl was meant to be a nurse, or teacher, or seamstress part-time while she stays at home.

THEN, on the flip side, I have always LOATHED boyfriends of mine that were 'guys guys.' GOD FORBID a girl goes long 1 in 5 times to their man-outings. Women seem to be an accessory to these people, like "I will have that car, and a job, and that lawn mower, and a woman. And make fire. Ugg." I always thought these guys to be slightly douche-y normally, and like "get to know your softer sides assholes. Maybe if you weren't all together, all the time, you wouldn't feel SO compelled to take those last 3 Jagerbombs you KNOW will make work tomorrow unbearable."

With all this said, and with an aside that I'm really not THAT judgemental, I'm sitting here with no girlfriends within an easy 10 miles, and possibly only 1 or 2 within 30 miles! Now this isn't because I don't have any, it's mainly because, like many mid-twenty something groups, a few of our flock had to fly away for bigger, better jobs. But that leaves some lonely in the city. Boo.

So, enter my manfriends. I have a ton. Some, yes, I may have "made out with in the past 10 years but we will NEVER be like THAT, it was just the tequila and 6 Bacardi Coolers" or 1 or 2 may be boyfriends from so long ago that you REALLY can be friends with them. But I am also trying to broaden my friend circle. In that, I'm finding that most men don't see me as a friend. Or something. I just don't get it.

Fuck that. You know what I REALLY want? A girl OR guy friend, who can do things that ARE NOT BAR RELATED. My fucking liver needs a break people! What ever happened to just coming over and "chilling?" Remember those days? My 1 in-town, 5 mile away girl friend Amber and I went to a pool the other day, and just CHATTED AND CHATTED for 3 hours, and it was so nice! We both have red boussie's, but it was SO NICE! I had a girlfriend a few years back, and it just seemed like if we weren't "on the prowl" for a man-penis then it wasn't really fun.

Anyway, I just had to get all this out.

I'll leave this blog with my face book jargen from the last 1 hour: (and I never really use facebook, but this was for RESEARCH!)

**

Denise Mueller Pondering why its so hard to be friends with the opposite sex.

Kenneth M Cuvar at 1:34pm June 25

Well if that's the wa you feel you can just GO TO HELL!! (sarcastic tone)

Charles Reagan at 1:41pm June 25

Your vagina is like a siren's song, it won't allow for the friendship only the sexy time. It's a shame doll.

Denise Mueller at 1:44pm June 25

Well wtf am I supposed to do NOW that you said that? lol. Apparently "some ppl can be friends and never had any benefits." Hell, we've even made out. HA

Charles Reagan at 1:45pm June 25

I was confused! I was a frat boy! Don't hold it against me Holy Gay God! Please!

Denise Mueller at 1:51pm June 25

HAHA! Well, I'm glad we made it. :)

**
Much love,
D

Expectations

Is it too much to expect the best of everything? Really. Think about this one.

Our careers should make us more driven, more enthusiastic to excel, and excited about the week ahead.

Our families should make us feel wanted, loved, and a part of a collective unit where no one link is better than the next.

Our relationships should leave us satisfied, with loving support and sincere understanding of our needs and desires.

Our friendships should complete this circle, filling in the tiny cracks of life with meaningful conversations and actions, which therefore allow us to have a better grip on our current reality and status.

****

Having spelled out what I believe life should be like, lets discuss the bullshit we actually see and feel on a daily basis. Maybe I'll even get to talk about a plan of action to rectify the half-truths I live and see versus the "shoulds" aforementioned above.

Careers:
Is it too much to ask that I am happy to return to work after a 9 day hiatus? Is it too much to ask that in my first full week off since 2006, my first vacation of ANY kind since I've been with my current company, that I'm left the fuck alone?? That's what vacation means people: vacate from the things of norm; get out of dodge; levitate from your current situation to a different place for a short amount of time, so when you come back, you can tolerate things again... at least for a bit.

I have been doing some soul searching regarding my current place in the business world, really since April 2008. And you know: I just don't see it. The first year in my industry went along so smoothly and quickly; I mistook to inability to stop and breathe for Happiness.

Now that I had a minute, I've filed away all the thoughts and feelings and complications I've encountered in the last year, and I have to say I AM OVER IT. Life is hard. Yes. But FUCK! Work should not have you taking stress tests, chest x-rays, muscle relaxers, and sleep aides. There are people that make what I do, and if it says 8-5 they are at home by 6pm with a fucking smile, a home-made charbroiled burger and a hi-life light bottle in both hands.

I had a great opportunity this week to see my laid-off partner in a new and exciting role in downtown St. Louis. I have not seen her so happy in forever, and it just makes you think: "me too?" Can I do that, too? She just FITS there. It's HER. And you know what's ironic, is that she actually liked her role in my company. I always told her "you haven't hit the 2 year mark... it's like turning 50. You realize how bored you got and realized when and where you lost focus." haha. Really.

So I'm thinking I need a little change-a-roo in this aspect of my life. I haven't hit the job search in a real way: It's a weird thing when you are excelling in your industry. But getting good grades in science did not mean I was meant to be a scientist. And receiving compliment after compliment about what a great Front-of-House POS trainer I am may not be enough for me to think I was meant for this job either. My report card says: A+, but looks bored in class.

***

Family:
Another oddity in life is when families are just not THERE FOR THEIR STRUGGLING 20-SOMETHINGS. Wake the fuck up people!! I actually have a wonderful family by comparison: hard working father, intelligent brother, do-it-all mom, caring grandmothers, etc. But I have a few friends that are in this strange place where they have no one. They call for help, their parents go: "I can't, but while we're on that topic, can I borrow $200?"

This is just not normal!! You are supposed to be 75 before we're helping you shop and cutting your grass and assisting you like you once did us. So again I state, my family is not today's example, however this is just too much to ignore.

I have friends that have no one to count on. They are 26 and they have what I call "fake families." On the birth certificate, around for weddings and funerals, and that's about it. So I have to ask: "Why are these people so negligent toward their kin?"

I think this is the reason I'm so giving to certain people; so willing to go the extra mile when others think it's crazy. I want these people to have meaningful relationships in their lifetime: someone they can call family, even if its someone with a different last name and of the same age. I love them, and I just want them to know that. And like all good family members, hopefully they are there for me if I'm in a time of need.

***

Relationships:
Why is it that when I enter a relationship, or should I say have experienced a relationship, do I feel guilty if I think I deserve to be told only the ultimate truth? WHY? And you know, it is not just me; It’s hard too when you know something fucked up about a friend’s relationship too. I learned the hard way a few years ago to keep my fucking mouth locked up when it came to friends’ indiscretions. And I’m sure my friends have learned a few things about me in the past that would seem a little askew.

Tis the season for us all to grow the fuck up, time for us all to start telling the truth in relationships. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW the person they just said ‘I love you’ to. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW all your faces in the beginning: Do NOT act one-way then show a different side.

I want normal. I want someone what can just ‘be’: maybe not be perfect- but can just be themselves. If we still like each other at the end of the day then wonderful… at least we’d know.

***

Friendships:
Friendships in general are a whole different game. A whole new animal. People that you have known for years should SEEMINGLY be the "best urban family members," the best shoulder to drunkenly cry on, and the one you can count on to show up if there are plans to do so.

Recently I've been wondering who true friends are. Also wondering if past decisions to change my friend circle are warranted. After this week, I've made a few discoveries:

#1 Yes: past gut deciding choices were correct. When faced with someone I used to be close with for a couple years, I was like "hm, shall we try this again?" "Have we all grown up a bit?"

Fuck no.

#2 We are all assholes at some point. I called out a near and dear bff this week: "HEY!! What's with being home two week-ends and I see you for 5 minutes??" She retaliated with "No offense Dee, there was a time when you wouldn't give me the time of day when I came home. You're the last person that should be talking."

Ouch. We discussed things via phone while we were both a little buzzed. All is well now. Alcohol is the band-aid for friendships. At least for me and my girl soul mate. LOL.

It takes strength to hold together good friendships just like it does to hold together a good relationship. We fuck up. We forgive. We try to forget. If you can't do it, move on. If you can, well then, my friend, you may have friends for life.

Hollah at your friend,
D

These… Are the Drams of our lives.

Really people. What happened to civil behavior? What happened to things you see in Pride and Prejudice where not responding with “please” and “thank you” got your balls detached?

Tonight was the RSVP VIP party Amanda planned, to continue on with the Creagan birthday extravaganza. Great job, too. Twelve invites, eleven RSVP’s for the 9pm event. She even changed the time to assist the people traveling from out of town. It was to take place at a brilliant vodka bar we all know and love, with a great sushi spread for dinner.

The main group was of course about 5 minutes late, as we should have been, because it was Creagan’s birthday and he needed to arrive stylishly late. “Well, hmm, we're the first to arrive, that’s cool.”

Our server was really nice, and we decide to just get an appetizer and some waters while we wait for the other 6 guests.

And wait. Waiting. Wtf. Waiting for our guests.

By 9:30 we are like “Time for that bottle of vodka we decided on.”

THREE of our requests are returned with a “Um, yeah, we don’t seem to have a whole extra bottle of that to give to you.”

So, here comes the owner, like 45 minutes after our DT’s started and the plethora of sushi was almost gone. “Here” he says, “Dan Akroyd’s new ‘Crystal Skull’ vodka. Half price for your troubles.”

Good boy Derek. Fucking awesome. “But hey, Creagan, that 750ml is going to last like 5 minutes.”

And it does. Goodbye $175.

By 10:30 everyone finally arrives, and I was straight up with them: "Uh, ya’ll. Why do you have a half drank martini from upstairs? Why did you get here, drop your coat, and go upstairs to some other small party? Why did you treat this RSVP private fucking room party like we texted you 20 minutes before the event with no other prior notice?"

RSVP means GET THERE ON FUCKING TIME. SIT WITH THE MAN OF THE EVENING. DON’T HAVE OTHER PLANS THAT COINCIDE WITH ONES YOU RSVP-ed TO. Wow. I along with others was pretty flabbergasted. But we made the most of it. And thank you to Jamal, for the extra bottle hook up! Love that Goose!

We leave there hundreds of dollars poorer, little bit more buzzed, and revved for a night in the ManGrove (Manchester Grove area… I love how this pseudo gay strip is playfully named mangrove, like it’s a men’s playground. Lol)

We do Just John’s, we do Rehab, then we do Novak’s, where party people go to have that extra shot that makes them vomit the whole next day. Actually it’s like the best fucking bar in the city for dancing and fun times. The prior scenario is just the story of MY life every time I go there :(

So the joyful ending to this story was when one of my seemingly brilliant colleagues invites “trouble” out after we’d all been drinking. And of course this colleague decides to do what I term “Start Shit in front of ‘Trouble’.” Why I have no idea.

As my boy toy arrives from a hard nights work, I am mid “BLAH BLAH BLAH DRAMAAA” because some fucking “straight” tool bag just told me I wasn’t his type, which I wouldn't normally care about, but at that point I was stomping around like a little 10 year old that didn’t get the NEW Bratz doll. Then, to add to the fun, “Trouble” decides to ask me “Why Dee!!?? Why does your colleague insist on ruining my night/life?”

So to the side walk I go. I’m over this shit. I’m sorry man friend for ruining your night. Thank you for coming, but I have to go handle some shit. Welcome to the show. Have a seat.

Ahhhhhhhh… To the "Trouble": “I don’t know and please get out of my face.” To the colleague that felt the need to invite them “COLLEAGUE GET YOUR DAMN ASS OVER HERE AND HANDLE THIS.” To the man friend I had just invited “Man friend please come back” :(

Three fucking ring circus if I ever saw it.

Sorry C, Happy Birthday. Hey, ended as I thought: Drunk Drunk Drunk.

To another year! 26!

"THIS IS NOT MY SIZE ASSHOLE!!" Shopping Fun!

No, those are the right brands or designers... but you get the point.

Mama shopped on Saturday!!

So, it started off with an idea for a sweet evening: 15 local high-end boutiques were having a "cash n carry clearance" near a prominent boardwalk. If you shipped the special "invite only evening party" and paid $10 for charity, you may just get that last pair of GoldSign jeans for $40. Who knows. Maybe go for a little cocktail in Clayton afterward, invite some girlfriends and some gayfriends... Simple, innocent, fun!

As the day came, no one wanted to go shopping :*(

So we all go the next morning, and was it the fresh air, the 50 degree temps, the "did I awake in LA?" mood... who knows. But the $200 I took out for this "I'll only spend $50 at that sale" was completely gone in like 45 minutes. It was like a pricey yard sale. I got some SWEET things tho:

I calculated, I got $800 of stuff for $190. Yay!

Now, enter the scavenger hunt: NO NO NO not with goods,... with my friends that arrived later that I trying to keep up to Nick and I. So we leave the sale after having a parking lot show for Amanda and C; we looked like we were selling bad fake fendis out of Amanda's sweet new Jeep. Congrats you!

Amber and Joshy Poo are even more behind them. She claims it's because I texted them last minute that we were going-- really tho I thought Amber was already at the mall because it was a Saturday....;) Love ya lady! No but really, it was sweet that everyone was coming out for an afternoon of fun.

So then we all hit up the near by mall for a purse and shoe extravaganze at Dillard's, and DAMMIT!! I found some awesome, plaid and patent type BCBG shoes for like $40! Then... the boots. THE BOOTS THAT MADE A GAY MAN CRINGE: Normally you shouldn't buy that shit then. But I liked them dammit!! They were $52 from $298!! Of course bitch picked up that shit. YAY! I wore them today. Totally cute. Bitches.

So aside from two new dress shirts, and some MAC fun, we hadddd to be done.

Oh waittttttttttttt, nope. We are heading for the notorious STL Loop. Into Brandt's we go. I fucking LOVE that place! We did have a VERY charismatic server, we'll call her Meow. Meow loves her glasses. Meow told us about her glasses, and her dad's eye care insurance, and her favorite frames designers for about 15 minutes all because Nick complimented her frames. wowy. Great service tho.

We had a light lunch: World's biggest salads for real. Here Amanda, C, really, please, have some lettuce. Nick takes one for the team and orders the first alcoholic beverage of the day (Thank you Nick--granted beau had been with 3 "ladies" all day.. probably pretty tired of the shop thing)
So vodka Dee ordered. Mmm this salad's better. Enter, Amanda and C's crab cakes: the normally smallish cake delights were half-pound patty size. We give the server the ole "WTF but thank you" face. "Oh, you know, they messed up. Enjoy!" Amanda says it looks like cat food. Score one for Dee! YAY crab cake! Best in the city seriously.

....This was slowly becoming one of the happiest days of my life.

So, feeling full of yummy food and vodka, and having $.10 left to shop with, we do some power clearance shopping at a shop I used to work at.

OMG. Look at that dress. Holy Fuckstick. What a sweet "Vicky Beckham wanna be and my boobies would look spectacular" dress. Ouch, $240. "Oh, I'll give you 70% off" says the girl as she sees my drool, picks my up off the floor and scoots me into the dressing room. "It's a little busty... so you know.... that's why it's on clearance" warns the sales women.

'I've got this shit' I think. No wait, WAIT, WAITTT. Holy shit I'm stuck. Was it the one vodka that did this to me?? DAMN YOU VODKA! How did I not see that I didn't unzip the side zipper all the way. Either way, here comes Maternal Miss our sales rep. Oh theres a boobie. Oh there's my fat ass looking out the fitting room door. "Sorry ya'll. Sorry about the bootie. Amanda come help me!! GET OUT MA'AM!" So Amanda helped me yank that shit over my head. Size 6 my ass. Or maybe it was a "size 6 for no tits" and bitch told me it would fit. God sales people are crazy. Do you see these shelves?? No way. Any way, I found a nice navy wrap dress for like $20 that fit my girls and my tush just fine, and we were outtie.

That was enough. We all laughed the rest of our walk, and my charming PERFECT manfriend had to twist it, "That just made my day."

Ok manfriend,... I did have you watch me shop all day. I'll give you a get out of jail free card. >:(

Great day tho. Thanks everyone for making it one of those Saturdays.

Oh yeah, and yes, we did finally see Amber and Josh 3 hours later on the street. Good to see you too. Jk babe, loved your sweater. :)

D

The Curse of the Alpha

"If you are a born leader, clever and pretty, it is just possible that you can be an Alpha female, like someone else you know personally who leads well and aspires to beat the proverbial glass ceiling."

-WikiHow; Wikipedia "How To"

So... I've been called an Alpha my whole life. Not that I'm clever, pretty, or a born leader... But it has been stated.

Great! I guess I should have a chip on my shoulder, I should get ahead at work, and I should have an easy time with friendships with women and relationships with a significant other.

HA! HA FUCKING HA!

I swear my "personality-type" is CURSED.

From Men:

We are quite feared. I honestly believe that. Yes, we are hard-headed. Yes we are always right. (So we think) BUT look at the past history: Have we been right? Are we logical in our thinking? Have we had well-rounded lives thus far that allow for a little extra opinion? Most men cannot handle an alpha female: if they could they would just go for another man. I kid I kid. But really, that's why cliches are in fact cliches: men want a more demure, softer, quieter, women, therefore someone that doesn't challenge them.

From women:

The look.... OHHHH the look! "Who that does that bitch think SHE is??"

...."Your future boss, Bitch."

No but really, Alpha v. Non-Alpha is like anything else in the life of a woman: We always want what we DON'T or CAN'T have. Curly hair v. Straight hair. A smart guy v. a funny guy. A speedy convertible or a ballin SUV for ladies night....

Or in this case: Are the introverted girls HATING Alphas because they wish they could speak up in public?? Is that all? Alpha women do NOT, I repeat do NOT "TRY," it is in fact something we normally cannot help: we just dooooooooo.

(...Hey non-Alphas, come here a minute... closer: Sometimes Alphas wish we could be quiet too, and not say what's on our minds, and have boxes carried for us just because we're in heels, etc... but we immediately metaphorically smack ourselves and wake up, because if that were the case, we couldn't sleep at night knowing we had held something in.)

...I digress. Please, you must understand, Non-Alphas: The stronger-minded women of the world find it as hard to understand YOU as YOU find it hard to understand us, and our actions. I have had girlfriends that REALLLLLLY wanted to do something, to say something, to verbally kick someones ass when they were emotionally abused, and they FROZE. I am in awe: HOW are you not saying anything. SAY SOMETHING. JUST SAY IT!!!!

Yet nothing.

Then I realize this is a psychological prison for some people. Being open-minded and STRONG-minded is a blessing that all extroverted people should appreciate every single day of their lives. Yes we sometimes make an ass out of ourselves, (Whooooa I've been there) but at the end of the day, I am happy I speak my mind. I ultimately have no regrets, and can honestly say I hide nothing: I show my true colors at all times.

Now there are downfalls here: Maybe a potential new mate, or potential new best friend, or potential new employer does NOT in fact, like outspoken females. Well, to each their own. I'm moving on to find someone that DOES appreciate me.... and yes, you will find it.

I'm finding myself currently surrounded by friends and a significant other that truly appreciates me for ME. Do you know how good that feels?? I have known women that we dating someone, and they hadn't been themselves the WHOLE TIME. They were playing a part--simply because they knew what the guy liked. This disgusts me so much: it's unfair to both parties, and ultimately no one will win in this scenario.

I will leave everyone with this: If you ever feel that you live vicariously through someone who exemplifies one personality trait YOU want: Try it. Little by little. See if it works for you. See what kind of response this new attitude gets you. See if you even feel comfortable being that "person." If so, GREAT! You may see new things come to the horizon for you. If not, at least you know your limits.

BUT DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN ALPHAS GET SOMETHING THEY SPOKE UP FOR. THEY ARE TAKING A RISK EVERY TIME THEY OPEN THEIR MOUTHS FOR THE FIFTH TIME IN THAT MORNING MEETING.

IF YOU WANT THAT SAME AUTHOIRTY, MAKE IT HAPPEN BITCHES! Stand up for yourselves for once, for fucks sake... and feel the grand glory of being an alpha female.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :D

D

Why CAN'T it be like High School dammit!

Snow day please.

Please??









Really? Why can't it be like high school. We are still in danger on our way to our daily activity, no? Just because we are riding in sedans driving with half a hand instead of big yellow death wagons makes no diff.

What is it with some corporations these days--they don't think the EXACT same stuff can be done at home as it would be at the office. Really, the 'IN-TER-NET' (say it with me: "in-ter-net") changed all of this about 15 years ago. We will be fine. I can still call whomever I wish, I can still email 87 emails a day (ya'll know that) and I can still program or take questions from clients. HOW you make ask? I have a PHONEEEEEE and a COMPUTERRRRRR. ooooooh

So wtf bossmen? Let us sleep in til 7:59 and work in our lime green haneous "PINK" on the ass sweats, with our pony tail all fucked up still from bed-head. We have contact info, we do. We will use it, we will. We may be watching old British comedies on the ole Tube the whole time, but what's the diff to that or an iPod constantly attached to my skull? Atleast then you won't hear me singing the same 27 song playlist over and over.

See, it's normal for people to work from home now a days. An honestly, on my lunch hour I wanna name snowmen with carrot and coal doodles and snow devils. :*(

What do you think?

STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!

No no no that's not my car.

They didn't need to break my windows. They are super ninjas that osmosis their asses in, and are only looking for crack money. Right??


My little Silver Sonic has been burgled in the following places:

#1 In a parking lot by a large, up-scale restaurant in my neighborhood. Vehicle was in parking lot over night

#2 While packed with Shizz from my move and parked across the street from my mansion. Luckily, these assholes found out the boxes of Shizz were full of kitchen utensils of little value and old keep sakes from the Hallmarks of the world.

#3 If my usual parking spot: Assholes are hitting too close to home now!

Shit, even White Lightning wagon was burgled with time #2!! Who wants anything out of dirty Silver Sonic and old-lady-mobile White Lightning wagon?? They both look like rubbish most of the time. (Geez, their pet names sound more like best-selling vibrators. lol.)

Anywho, Whoever the hell is stealing my dirty tissues, old cds and my pocket change KEEP THE FUCK OUT OF MY CARS!!

... I need that change to feed the meters during my business day :(
Assholes :*(

I cannot understand your game:
You want crack money? There must be better targets! Plenty of luxury autos in my neighborhood. Car alarms don't REALLY matter you know, you'll be gone before the bitches wake up and climb down from their 3rd floor bedrooms. So try elsewhere. Stop bothering me!
OR Maybe I'll just leave the rubber cupholder/change jar on top my car nightly, MAYBE THEN YOU'LL STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR.

My colleague told me that in her old city, people would leave their cars EMPTY, and their doors unlocked, as if to say "Whatever assholes, I've got nothing this time... so don't come back next time." I might need to try that..

Goddamn hillbillies.

You didn't even take the $120 black patent leather and plaid ankle boots out of the back seat. (Those shoes sound cute, right? RIGHT?) You stole the $20 Wilson tennis racket I purchased in 1998. Why? And btw, I loved that tennis racket you assholes!

Either way, I'll be watching. Be careful, I now have 14 ice scrapers after I told family members I needed one at Thanksgiving, and the next day bought 3, one for each car, and an extra for inside the house, and was later presented with 9 extra on Christmas morning.

Thank you all. The weapon of choice.

It was Mrs. Smith, with the Ice-Scraper, in the Driveway. You win!!

D

I can't stop them

The tears... The tears they fall...

At some point in every one's life you feel how weak you truly are. You see yourself as a fragile human being, no matter how smart you are, how good you look, how successful you are within your firm.

Have you ever cried at work? I have. I just did. But it wasn't because of a client, or because of my role in this company, its because of the demon that is within this place that was put here to test me. I honestly believe that. Everyone is given tests and challenges throughout their lives to show them what they are made of, and to remind them who they are.

I have been fighting this demon for two years now. I have tried different ways of being nice to have a resolution, I have tried to be direct and assertive, I have tried to be gentle and hard, and I have finally chosen to say what I want to say. (See previous post: ...And the Wall Crumbles)

I want to say Fuck Off Demon. Go Test someone else now. I have learned my lesson, and you are not part of the solution.

Ah...

I am so conflicted. I have a job. I have a job in a bad economy. I have a job in a bad economy with benefites, fun co-workers, and a company car, gas card, and blackberry. Why I am do up and down on this one then?

I hear other people go to work, and be fine. I come to work fine, and am immediately brought down from the aura of "who did this wrong." It's not the industry, it's not the people as a whole per se,... what is it?

It's people playing against each other. It's the human nature to protect their own environment and territory, and use their hieracrchy against the rest. I'VE been here longer, but I'VE got a youthful exuberance, but I'VE got the knowledge.

Then sit the fuck down people and share. Don't tell me you don't have time. Put out your goddamn $2 ghetto pack of cigarettes and sit with me. Drive faster to work, there's time. Don't walk across the whole office to ask me what could have been intercomed, there's time.

Now realize something:

You're all thinking the same thing. That's right. It was actually just proven to me by my boss, Jesus. He enlgihtened me. Everyone actually has happy thoughts. Thoughts of positive teamwork, and a unified efficent enviromnent. I know that's what I think. What I WANT--want to see from the good people around me. We are great people. Everyone in their own way. But funny thing, Demon said they wanted all the good fuzzies of change and positive teamwork, and I say "HAH! Hah to you Boss Jesus. You've been lied to. That's a crock."

"Hey, Hey, Snap out of it..." says Boss Jesus,... "why are you looking at the floor??"

"Because that just killed me." I felt like I was so struck by the bad-vibe lightning, that I couldn't talk, I couldn't speak, I couldn't agknowledge.

So I shed a tear.

and another.

and another.

"Please excuse me Boss Jesus. I have to go to my desk now."

What are you supposed to do when you're faced with a cross roads. How do you solve it? Turn to friends? Turn to your lover? Turn to a faith?

You should really look in the mirror and ask yourself. As I preached with "Show Yourselves" earlier this week. I'm the real case here: I'm conflicted.

I've dried my tears for now. Now it's time to be honest with everyone. What am I going to do.

...And the Wall Crumbles

"I have to keep a wall up. Trust me. It is for your protection."
Mr. J circa 2007



Funny. I always heard that, but I didn't believe it until Jan 13th, 2008. I thought it was a pathetic excuse to cover up a fellow co-workers mood swings and justify them as "normal work stress." I also thought it was just to piss me off, which it was working!

6 days ago, I was eating din din with my beau, and I get an URGENT email: "We need to come together as a team! Think out of the box! Help me with these 3 problems and you get golden stars and rainbows!" I dropped my 15 pound Qdoba feast, and wrote a reply all immediately. So proud of myself. WHAT a TEAM player!!

Over that weekend, my team went reply-all crazy and set up an appointment on Tuesday to program the changes recently discussed.

Monday. Monday omg. I am excited about this GREAT opportunity to put my ideas to work. It was to be me, my partner, and a senior technician assisting us with these changes. Then the senior technician walks by our offices and says "Hey girls, can you watch the phones while I try to configure these changes?" FIRST of all punk bitch, in the office place i have no boobs: tell me "Hey Dee, you're lower than me on the pole, watch the phones!" BUT DONT CALL ME "Girl" yuck. SECOND, the new configurations were easy, already planned out, and we were all supposed to help! We all contribute because we have different experience!

While PUNK (we'll call the senior technician that from now on, less letters, and its fitting) walked away from the programming room for a second, I took a chance to waltz in and tried to hob-nob with the sales rep "So, when's the big demo?" I ask. "Just get out of here!" I am told... and she gave me a 'shoo shoo away' motion with her hand!

WTF!!!

I let that slide. That day.

Enter the next day...

I'm eating the dreamiest hoagie of all time, after a very productive lunch hour of several small errands. My Starbucks was steaming, my sammich tumbling with Italian meaty goodness.

And I hear from a nearby room: "Whine whine bitch complain DENISEEE whine yipe AHH!!"

Hm... uhhhh Hoagie? ... oh yes hoagie.

In comes Bossman "Did you just hear that? PUNK just told sales rep that you fucked up her demo!!" whaaaa??

I have to make a hard decision here: Hoagie and Starbucks? or verbally kick someones ass.

I march my way to the programming room and say "You better get your story straight before you say I ruined sales person's demo!!"

PUNK now says "But you were the last one in here the other night..."

WHATTT are you talking about PUNK?

I keep my control, surprisingly. Professional, polite as CAN be in this scenario. But this was two years of tension about to explode inside of 2 minutes.

Sales person then starts talking again. "Yipe YIPE! Whine BITCH blahhhhrghhhh."

Hm, must chose words wisely, and finally I'M READY!! Deep breath "All I have EVER tried to do is HELP YOU. AND YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME IN THE ROOM YESTERDAY! (finger point starting to occur) I AM SICK OF YOUR BEHAVIOR. IM OVER IT. THIS ABUSE NEEDS TO STOP."

"Whine AHHH Blargh bitch Yipe!"

whatever, thinks the victor "All I'm saying is I've always been here for you, but you're rediculous." Exit: Dee the victor! And upon exiting down the hallway: "Bitch!"

I had to slide in ONE premium word. :D I feel over joyed.

Enter: BACKLASH!

• She heard me (kind of meant her to)
• EVERYONE in the office is coming by my office: "So, tell me about the cat fight"
• Emails with cat pictures. Seriously.
• Meeting with the Bossman: "Um Denise, secretly HR guy and I are happy this happened. We were waiting for an opportunity for you guys to be locked in a room together and just hash out your differences."

WTF x 2!!!

Who does that?? Wanna steal my red Swingline stapler and then bitch smack me with it? Fuck.

Bottom line, Bossman said my reply couldn't have been better, because sales rep can't come at me with "You wench, you told me 'you always said you were trying to help me.' " So that's the plus. The whole "Bitch" statement I feel is COMPLETELY justified, as I'm the company cusser. That was mild sauce.

Conclusion after that shizz: 5 drinks and show-tunes sing-a-long at The Zone with my "ladies."

Nice fall Methford. (wink!)

Much Love,
D