Boys and Boys, Girls and Girls

You know, I've always secretly hated 'girlie girls' with their groups of 7 that all buy the same fabric handbags they made at their Aunt Sherrie's purse party, and the girls that undoubtedly will be at our 10yr reunion in 2 years with a 5 year wedding band on and pics of their second infant. I just felt like they were missing something: why not hang out with some boys, too? And not like on Saved By the Bell, where hanging out meant dating all of them in rotation. I mean like, LET YOUR TOM BOY SIDE SHINE. Not every girl was meant to be a nurse, or teacher, or seamstress part-time while she stays at home.

THEN, on the flip side, I have always LOATHED boyfriends of mine that were 'guys guys.' GOD FORBID a girl goes long 1 in 5 times to their man-outings. Women seem to be an accessory to these people, like "I will have that car, and a job, and that lawn mower, and a woman. And make fire. Ugg." I always thought these guys to be slightly douche-y normally, and like "get to know your softer sides assholes. Maybe if you weren't all together, all the time, you wouldn't feel SO compelled to take those last 3 Jagerbombs you KNOW will make work tomorrow unbearable."

With all this said, and with an aside that I'm really not THAT judgemental, I'm sitting here with no girlfriends within an easy 10 miles, and possibly only 1 or 2 within 30 miles! Now this isn't because I don't have any, it's mainly because, like many mid-twenty something groups, a few of our flock had to fly away for bigger, better jobs. But that leaves some lonely in the city. Boo.

So, enter my manfriends. I have a ton. Some, yes, I may have "made out with in the past 10 years but we will NEVER be like THAT, it was just the tequila and 6 Bacardi Coolers" or 1 or 2 may be boyfriends from so long ago that you REALLY can be friends with them. But I am also trying to broaden my friend circle. In that, I'm finding that most men don't see me as a friend. Or something. I just don't get it.

Fuck that. You know what I REALLY want? A girl OR guy friend, who can do things that ARE NOT BAR RELATED. My fucking liver needs a break people! What ever happened to just coming over and "chilling?" Remember those days? My 1 in-town, 5 mile away girl friend Amber and I went to a pool the other day, and just CHATTED AND CHATTED for 3 hours, and it was so nice! We both have red boussie's, but it was SO NICE! I had a girlfriend a few years back, and it just seemed like if we weren't "on the prowl" for a man-penis then it wasn't really fun.

Anyway, I just had to get all this out.

I'll leave this blog with my face book jargen from the last 1 hour: (and I never really use facebook, but this was for RESEARCH!)

**

Denise Mueller Pondering why its so hard to be friends with the opposite sex.

Kenneth M Cuvar at 1:34pm June 25

Well if that's the wa you feel you can just GO TO HELL!! (sarcastic tone)

Charles Reagan at 1:41pm June 25

Your vagina is like a siren's song, it won't allow for the friendship only the sexy time. It's a shame doll.

Denise Mueller at 1:44pm June 25

Well wtf am I supposed to do NOW that you said that? lol. Apparently "some ppl can be friends and never had any benefits." Hell, we've even made out. HA

Charles Reagan at 1:45pm June 25

I was confused! I was a frat boy! Don't hold it against me Holy Gay God! Please!

Denise Mueller at 1:51pm June 25

HAHA! Well, I'm glad we made it. :)

**
Much love,
D

Evening Thoughts

...a.k.a. Wine induced thoughts.

Do we notice a trend in the ole' recycling bin? I can't take all the credit, danke Ezra. However today it was only I that filled the bin with bottles. Ezra moved today and I'm left feeling empty...


In the last few weeks, I have been playing the yo-yo game with the man in my life. We have had what is seemingly the 'easy-come, easy-go' 3 month relationship; yet he brings something fresh to my relationship think-tank. He has been the first man I've dated that REALLY is my complete opposite; my challenger, to which I proclaimed defeat 3 times. :(

Ezra and I have the spunk and wit, as well as livers, to have a delightful relationship full of laughs and parties, and also have intelligent conversations, and cozy nights at home. However, we are also two type-A personalities, as well as both bull-headed, and have opposite interests in many accounts. SO, it made for an interesting 2 months.

Well, our final curtain call was a mature conversation regarding arguing a hand full of times, and we decided maybe it was best to be friends.

4 days later... we break the new friend rule with an unforgettable night.

We go back and forth trying to figure ourselves out. We have a great public 'air' as a couple; and are so well KNOWN as well as that duo! I swear, if one of us are out alone within the city limits at one of our usual spots, the bartender, cashier, or acquaintance goes "where's the other one? Your lady friend (or man friend) with the hat?" Ha! (We both wear hats, like 2 dorks in newboys.)

Enter this recent week: After a long weekend at the bar, Ez and I had the most amazing 3 days. Still referring to each other as "friend" as a reminder, we keep things non-sexual, maybe a kiss here or there, and only sleeping next to each other if the hour called for it.

We had one evening, that surprised me even as it was happening:
We saw "The Hangover" (awesome flick) which left me in the mood to be in a casino or loud bar. We did Nick's Pub, then headed over to Lumiere Place's GloBar. There was buzz in the air, and in our heads, and the bar had sexy high-backed red leather booths. We sat there asking life-long questions: "Where do you see us living?" "What would our place look like?" "Can you see us together for a long time" completely immersed in each other.

Such a great time.

I went to work that weekend a little freaked out, honestly. AM I TRULY DOING THIS AGAIN? AM I FEELING THIS? See, I'm the girl that tells her girl friends "If you break up more than once, it's a sign it should be over." So, how can I feel this way, such hypocrisy?

I was honest with him the whole time, speaking concern for our direction. He understands, however is more "go with the flow" than I. I'm a mathematician with my heart, a business woman that looks at history and past figures to direct me. Always have.

One thing Ezra has shown me: I cannot ALWAYS let history play such a role. And it's not just him: I have had 3 0r 4 ex-boyfriends ask me: "Are you always going to just give up, and move on? You'll be alone for life."

Fuck.

I thought I was just DATING. Right? I'm only 26, and sure, I've had my fair share of relationships both long and short, but it doesn't mean I should just "stick one out." AHHH.

Ez said one thing to me that leaves me perplexed: "Maybe those few arguments are us just 'feeling each other out,' getting to know each other. Maybe it's not fighting, it's just us getting a chance to understand how the other thinks, feels, and communicates. Maybe for us, it's a necessity and we are getting better everyday."

Hmm. To me it was like arguing. Like not getting along. I don't get it.

Anywho, things were going well, and I just left myself NOT DEFINE IT. I think that is the key right now. Just trust yourself, and trust the person, DO NOT DEFINE IT. Relish the good company, and just be happy with the present.

On Saturday, I got off work, and in 2 hours had the most RIDICULOUS conversations with two men, one a friend of the past and one a new acquaintance, that I wanted to throw up. I lost alllll faith in men. And almost in our species. HOW FUCKING DUMB can men be sometimes to suggest such things, and speak with such arrogance. Go fuck off people, or call me when you're sober and over your bull shit.

Unfortunately, it brought my current high down to a "really, Ez is leaving, and we should just be friends. What was I thinking." MY DUMB ASS parlayed these feelings at 4am on my way home, fueled by my previous hatred to all men from just an hour before. the conversation started innocent enough, and then something hit a button, and I caught him completely off guard. I just let out a slew of negative thoughts :(

So dumb.

I woke the next day remembering his soft, tired, questioning voice "What happened in the last 12 hours? Are you ok? What did I do?" I cannot remembering feeling so ill as that morning. We decided to meet up that afternoon, before his departure. I told him while I apologized for bringing more attitude to the table than he deserved due to my previous bullshit men had delivered, my concerns were real. We decided to have a nice afternoon and try our best to work things out, whatever that means. We will talk while he's gone, and try to see each other when he's home.

Whatever this endeavor is to bring, it is teaching me to wait though the rain, and then see the blooms. It is teaching me that I do rely on having "someone" in my life all the time: SO MUCH that I do not know my own self. I haven't allowed myself to blossom.

SO, Here I sit, alone on my normal "Monday through Wednesday happy manfriend time with Ezra."

'Tis the season for me to feel loved, to try to communicate my friendship, and love over 200 miles away, and to just be at peace by myself.

Much love,
D

BLISS

This is what I had been doing the last 3 weeks... Sleeping, Drinking, Taking pictures of my puppies Max and Katie. (He is really that small. Like a midget warlock/gremlin Chihuahua :)








But now.... I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in so long. I have taken everything that wasn't working for me, and LUCKILY found fabulous things to replace them. Out with toxic communications, in with positive relations.

For the last month I have been doing some thinking, some extreme soul searching, and made some bold moves.

I quit a job in a recession, and did not have the cliche "three months' salary in savings."

I had a "soon to be" amiable split with Nick, which we had a nice coffee hour yesterday, and politely agreed that the split was a good thing for both of us. He's doing well in business, and I'm trying to get back to "Dee," trying to find some sides of me that were lost in translation over the last few years.

I met a GREAT man, Ezra, very shortly after my split. We started off just having coffee, or a late night Uncle Bill's buffet. Things moved into a great relationship. I can't ask for more: he's honest, he's there for me, he's not pretentious, and he wears the same hats I do. It's almost too cute. I need a pic of us together so I can POSTTTTT it. :) We are going to a wedding together this weekend; Hopefully I get a chance to show him off to the InterwebTwitterFaceSpace.

Another GREAT thing, is I'm getting opportunities to connect to my new neighborhood. The other night a friend of mine brought up available spots for a LBGT friendly Softball team, and it's sponsored by my coffee house down the street!! I am SO excited!! I was infamously snubbed last summer by two gal pals that I introduced, when they joined a kickball team behind my back, thinking that because I was in a relationship I wouldn't be "fun" or something. Not into the frat boys with the coolers. Who knows. So this opportunity is SUGARYSPLENDA sweet. I'm getting to relive my softball days (10 years ago, yikes) with a beer on the side. lol

Also, this week, I bit the bullet and bought some long time over due art supplies. I have had this bug in me for the last few years to start "creating" again, and I've been shopping oil paints and drafting tables ever since... Just never wanted to shell out the money. Well Ez and I went shopping the other day, and you know, dating someone creative and being around friends that have creative hobbies such as music or art, makes you want to just go for it. I found some GREAT deals on a "starter" set of paints, and brushes. I also bought a nice brush, 2 canvases, and a sketch pad to "play with" before I waste a canvas. Totally psyched.

Now that I have my "extra room" for "something extra" I may put a table in there. But honestly I'm vieing for a move in the livingroom set up, so I can paint in front of my french doors.

Now the grand finale: I GOT A JOB YESTERDAY!! SUPER PSYCHED!! It's a wine bar in Belleville, IL, which is about 10 miles east of St. Louis. There is an adorable "main street" by this giant foutain, circle drive, plaza type area, and my bar is RIGHT THERE.

http://www.thewinetapbelleville.com/













So this is the middle room that's available for reservations, and by the front door is where me and a partner will have 8 small tables and a decent sized semi-circle bar. Beyond this middle room is a 60-person heated, covered, patio. Next weekend they are having a cabaret show!! I was like, this is my place. Then the owner goes, "So you know Dee, their songs can, get kind of risque... Is that ok?" HA! I was like "Thank you!!"

I will bartend like any other for about 3 or 4 weeks, then I'm the manager. :) I work the same night as many of my friends, which is great. I am giving up weekends til the end of time, but the owners Allison and Dave were realisitc when I said there would be negotiations, like "2 weekend nights off a month" and my base salary for management. I honestly couldn't be happier with them. Wonderful people, entreprenuers, and about all, humble as anyone could be.

I feel like I've taken a happy pill.

What an amazing turn of events from my recent blogging. And you know, I understand things won't always be perfect, but the weight that has been lifted from my back is significant, and I am going to hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Thank you to everyone that has my back and has been sending me daily love and good vibes.

One last thing: Shout out to my girl Kristen!! She just got a KILLER upgrade on life as well!
#1 New job: she'll be an Albequerque transplant working for the local NBC affiliate. Great pay raise, along with jumping over 100 markets (news talk for going from a smaller city to a bigger city)!! You are well on your way to STL or better, and you know it. Congrats Chica!!
#2 And also, I have to mention, your newest love interest is a wonderful man, AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. Keep it up girl. 2 Kudos. ;)

Much Love,
D