Boys and Boys, Girls and Girls

You know, I've always secretly hated 'girlie girls' with their groups of 7 that all buy the same fabric handbags they made at their Aunt Sherrie's purse party, and the girls that undoubtedly will be at our 10yr reunion in 2 years with a 5 year wedding band on and pics of their second infant. I just felt like they were missing something: why not hang out with some boys, too? And not like on Saved By the Bell, where hanging out meant dating all of them in rotation. I mean like, LET YOUR TOM BOY SIDE SHINE. Not every girl was meant to be a nurse, or teacher, or seamstress part-time while she stays at home.

THEN, on the flip side, I have always LOATHED boyfriends of mine that were 'guys guys.' GOD FORBID a girl goes long 1 in 5 times to their man-outings. Women seem to be an accessory to these people, like "I will have that car, and a job, and that lawn mower, and a woman. And make fire. Ugg." I always thought these guys to be slightly douche-y normally, and like "get to know your softer sides assholes. Maybe if you weren't all together, all the time, you wouldn't feel SO compelled to take those last 3 Jagerbombs you KNOW will make work tomorrow unbearable."

With all this said, and with an aside that I'm really not THAT judgemental, I'm sitting here with no girlfriends within an easy 10 miles, and possibly only 1 or 2 within 30 miles! Now this isn't because I don't have any, it's mainly because, like many mid-twenty something groups, a few of our flock had to fly away for bigger, better jobs. But that leaves some lonely in the city. Boo.

So, enter my manfriends. I have a ton. Some, yes, I may have "made out with in the past 10 years but we will NEVER be like THAT, it was just the tequila and 6 Bacardi Coolers" or 1 or 2 may be boyfriends from so long ago that you REALLY can be friends with them. But I am also trying to broaden my friend circle. In that, I'm finding that most men don't see me as a friend. Or something. I just don't get it.

Fuck that. You know what I REALLY want? A girl OR guy friend, who can do things that ARE NOT BAR RELATED. My fucking liver needs a break people! What ever happened to just coming over and "chilling?" Remember those days? My 1 in-town, 5 mile away girl friend Amber and I went to a pool the other day, and just CHATTED AND CHATTED for 3 hours, and it was so nice! We both have red boussie's, but it was SO NICE! I had a girlfriend a few years back, and it just seemed like if we weren't "on the prowl" for a man-penis then it wasn't really fun.

Anyway, I just had to get all this out.

I'll leave this blog with my face book jargen from the last 1 hour: (and I never really use facebook, but this was for RESEARCH!)

**

Denise Mueller Pondering why its so hard to be friends with the opposite sex.

Kenneth M Cuvar at 1:34pm June 25

Well if that's the wa you feel you can just GO TO HELL!! (sarcastic tone)

Charles Reagan at 1:41pm June 25

Your vagina is like a siren's song, it won't allow for the friendship only the sexy time. It's a shame doll.

Denise Mueller at 1:44pm June 25

Well wtf am I supposed to do NOW that you said that? lol. Apparently "some ppl can be friends and never had any benefits." Hell, we've even made out. HA

Charles Reagan at 1:45pm June 25

I was confused! I was a frat boy! Don't hold it against me Holy Gay God! Please!

Denise Mueller at 1:51pm June 25

HAHA! Well, I'm glad we made it. :)

**
Much love,
D

A Little Coffee... A Little Motion

It's amazing the mood swings one can suffer in a matter of hours... This post is simply a reflection of my life in the last 12 hours.





So this afternoon I was particularly lonely, as I am and will be every Wednesday while Ez is in the greater Champaign/Urbana area. HOWever, I decided to have a day filled of things: mall, organize office, laundry... etc. My day would be so busy I wouldn't mind being alone.

But I have a hard time ACTUALLY motivating myself when I'm depressed/alone. My friends know this well: when they come by I slowly start cleaning. lol

So today in my lazy hours, I watched The Departed, a great movie to get your mind off love and feelings, then like and IDIOT I watched 27 Dresses. I WANTED A BOY AROUND DAMMIT!! Depresssssso. So I decided to TRY to spread love: I messaged Ez like 5 messages like "Muah" and "Can't wait til Friday!" It worked. It's like how people say 'smiles are contagious'; well apparently so are pleaseant texts. Ezra sent me lovely, and sometimes dirty, texts the rest of the evening. Took my mind off this cluster situation for a few hours.

So after waking up at 1:15pm, and doing the movie thing til like 7pm, I went to the mall, and did the usual retail therapy: MAC cosmetics and Express. I did feel better!

Upon leaving, I was like "WTF self. Why when you leave the mall do you become sad again."

I guess I knew I would be going home to sit. To wallow. To feel alone again.

So there I sat.

And I'll tell you what, I have not felt THAT DEPRESSED since my personal dark days in 2004-2005. HOW did I have a swing like that? WTF? I was just pacing my apartment, looking at all the things I had to do: organize office, 3 loads of laundry, put dishes away, put LAST weeks clean laundry away. (fuck I had been lazy this week...)

I could do nothing. I, like many people, can't do many daily functions when they are having a depressed feeling.

So I deliberated: should I drink? Nah, don't have enough to make a difference, and I didn't want to feel like shit tomorrow on my 13 hour shift. Take a muscle relaxer? Nah, I'm already to down, that would worsen it. Should I start taking these "herbal anti-depressants" that someone gave me during the dark days that still are as addictive as clinical anti-d's therefore I never took them anyway, NO...... This would pass.

The problem is,... I didn't feel good last night, either. And I told myself I'd sleep it off and tomorrow would be another day. Well, today was another day,... and I still feel like shit. That's the scary thing. Everyone has a bad day, right? But the only people that worry are the ones that see two days turn into a week and possibly turn into a month or 2004-2005. Haaaaaaa I digress.

So I did what anyone would do: I took two Excedrine (yes, I actually was getting a headache, however the caffeine does make for a lovely side-effect), and drank a Starbucks double shot. AMAZING. I was better!!

I got my ass up, started some laundry, FINALLY put my office together, got out some oil paints and did my first canvas in 8 years! What a cool few hours. ** Check it, Smurf hands from my blue paint!

I ate a late meal (fattening but makes me HAPPY!), made some new friends online in a liberal chatroom, and basically just relished this new up swing.

So now I'm happier, slightly too full, and wide awake at 3am. The joys of being a slightly depressed bartender with too much time, and paint, on her hands...



Swing Swing,
D

BLISS

This is what I had been doing the last 3 weeks... Sleeping, Drinking, Taking pictures of my puppies Max and Katie. (He is really that small. Like a midget warlock/gremlin Chihuahua :)








But now.... I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in so long. I have taken everything that wasn't working for me, and LUCKILY found fabulous things to replace them. Out with toxic communications, in with positive relations.

For the last month I have been doing some thinking, some extreme soul searching, and made some bold moves.

I quit a job in a recession, and did not have the cliche "three months' salary in savings."

I had a "soon to be" amiable split with Nick, which we had a nice coffee hour yesterday, and politely agreed that the split was a good thing for both of us. He's doing well in business, and I'm trying to get back to "Dee," trying to find some sides of me that were lost in translation over the last few years.

I met a GREAT man, Ezra, very shortly after my split. We started off just having coffee, or a late night Uncle Bill's buffet. Things moved into a great relationship. I can't ask for more: he's honest, he's there for me, he's not pretentious, and he wears the same hats I do. It's almost too cute. I need a pic of us together so I can POSTTTTT it. :) We are going to a wedding together this weekend; Hopefully I get a chance to show him off to the InterwebTwitterFaceSpace.

Another GREAT thing, is I'm getting opportunities to connect to my new neighborhood. The other night a friend of mine brought up available spots for a LBGT friendly Softball team, and it's sponsored by my coffee house down the street!! I am SO excited!! I was infamously snubbed last summer by two gal pals that I introduced, when they joined a kickball team behind my back, thinking that because I was in a relationship I wouldn't be "fun" or something. Not into the frat boys with the coolers. Who knows. So this opportunity is SUGARYSPLENDA sweet. I'm getting to relive my softball days (10 years ago, yikes) with a beer on the side. lol

Also, this week, I bit the bullet and bought some long time over due art supplies. I have had this bug in me for the last few years to start "creating" again, and I've been shopping oil paints and drafting tables ever since... Just never wanted to shell out the money. Well Ez and I went shopping the other day, and you know, dating someone creative and being around friends that have creative hobbies such as music or art, makes you want to just go for it. I found some GREAT deals on a "starter" set of paints, and brushes. I also bought a nice brush, 2 canvases, and a sketch pad to "play with" before I waste a canvas. Totally psyched.

Now that I have my "extra room" for "something extra" I may put a table in there. But honestly I'm vieing for a move in the livingroom set up, so I can paint in front of my french doors.

Now the grand finale: I GOT A JOB YESTERDAY!! SUPER PSYCHED!! It's a wine bar in Belleville, IL, which is about 10 miles east of St. Louis. There is an adorable "main street" by this giant foutain, circle drive, plaza type area, and my bar is RIGHT THERE.

http://www.thewinetapbelleville.com/













So this is the middle room that's available for reservations, and by the front door is where me and a partner will have 8 small tables and a decent sized semi-circle bar. Beyond this middle room is a 60-person heated, covered, patio. Next weekend they are having a cabaret show!! I was like, this is my place. Then the owner goes, "So you know Dee, their songs can, get kind of risque... Is that ok?" HA! I was like "Thank you!!"

I will bartend like any other for about 3 or 4 weeks, then I'm the manager. :) I work the same night as many of my friends, which is great. I am giving up weekends til the end of time, but the owners Allison and Dave were realisitc when I said there would be negotiations, like "2 weekend nights off a month" and my base salary for management. I honestly couldn't be happier with them. Wonderful people, entreprenuers, and about all, humble as anyone could be.

I feel like I've taken a happy pill.

What an amazing turn of events from my recent blogging. And you know, I understand things won't always be perfect, but the weight that has been lifted from my back is significant, and I am going to hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Thank you to everyone that has my back and has been sending me daily love and good vibes.

One last thing: Shout out to my girl Kristen!! She just got a KILLER upgrade on life as well!
#1 New job: she'll be an Albequerque transplant working for the local NBC affiliate. Great pay raise, along with jumping over 100 markets (news talk for going from a smaller city to a bigger city)!! You are well on your way to STL or better, and you know it. Congrats Chica!!
#2 And also, I have to mention, your newest love interest is a wonderful man, AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. Keep it up girl. 2 Kudos. ;)

Much Love,
D

Expectations

Is it too much to expect the best of everything? Really. Think about this one.

Our careers should make us more driven, more enthusiastic to excel, and excited about the week ahead.

Our families should make us feel wanted, loved, and a part of a collective unit where no one link is better than the next.

Our relationships should leave us satisfied, with loving support and sincere understanding of our needs and desires.

Our friendships should complete this circle, filling in the tiny cracks of life with meaningful conversations and actions, which therefore allow us to have a better grip on our current reality and status.

****

Having spelled out what I believe life should be like, lets discuss the bullshit we actually see and feel on a daily basis. Maybe I'll even get to talk about a plan of action to rectify the half-truths I live and see versus the "shoulds" aforementioned above.

Careers:
Is it too much to ask that I am happy to return to work after a 9 day hiatus? Is it too much to ask that in my first full week off since 2006, my first vacation of ANY kind since I've been with my current company, that I'm left the fuck alone?? That's what vacation means people: vacate from the things of norm; get out of dodge; levitate from your current situation to a different place for a short amount of time, so when you come back, you can tolerate things again... at least for a bit.

I have been doing some soul searching regarding my current place in the business world, really since April 2008. And you know: I just don't see it. The first year in my industry went along so smoothly and quickly; I mistook to inability to stop and breathe for Happiness.

Now that I had a minute, I've filed away all the thoughts and feelings and complications I've encountered in the last year, and I have to say I AM OVER IT. Life is hard. Yes. But FUCK! Work should not have you taking stress tests, chest x-rays, muscle relaxers, and sleep aides. There are people that make what I do, and if it says 8-5 they are at home by 6pm with a fucking smile, a home-made charbroiled burger and a hi-life light bottle in both hands.

I had a great opportunity this week to see my laid-off partner in a new and exciting role in downtown St. Louis. I have not seen her so happy in forever, and it just makes you think: "me too?" Can I do that, too? She just FITS there. It's HER. And you know what's ironic, is that she actually liked her role in my company. I always told her "you haven't hit the 2 year mark... it's like turning 50. You realize how bored you got and realized when and where you lost focus." haha. Really.

So I'm thinking I need a little change-a-roo in this aspect of my life. I haven't hit the job search in a real way: It's a weird thing when you are excelling in your industry. But getting good grades in science did not mean I was meant to be a scientist. And receiving compliment after compliment about what a great Front-of-House POS trainer I am may not be enough for me to think I was meant for this job either. My report card says: A+, but looks bored in class.

***

Family:
Another oddity in life is when families are just not THERE FOR THEIR STRUGGLING 20-SOMETHINGS. Wake the fuck up people!! I actually have a wonderful family by comparison: hard working father, intelligent brother, do-it-all mom, caring grandmothers, etc. But I have a few friends that are in this strange place where they have no one. They call for help, their parents go: "I can't, but while we're on that topic, can I borrow $200?"

This is just not normal!! You are supposed to be 75 before we're helping you shop and cutting your grass and assisting you like you once did us. So again I state, my family is not today's example, however this is just too much to ignore.

I have friends that have no one to count on. They are 26 and they have what I call "fake families." On the birth certificate, around for weddings and funerals, and that's about it. So I have to ask: "Why are these people so negligent toward their kin?"

I think this is the reason I'm so giving to certain people; so willing to go the extra mile when others think it's crazy. I want these people to have meaningful relationships in their lifetime: someone they can call family, even if its someone with a different last name and of the same age. I love them, and I just want them to know that. And like all good family members, hopefully they are there for me if I'm in a time of need.

***

Relationships:
Why is it that when I enter a relationship, or should I say have experienced a relationship, do I feel guilty if I think I deserve to be told only the ultimate truth? WHY? And you know, it is not just me; It’s hard too when you know something fucked up about a friend’s relationship too. I learned the hard way a few years ago to keep my fucking mouth locked up when it came to friends’ indiscretions. And I’m sure my friends have learned a few things about me in the past that would seem a little askew.

Tis the season for us all to grow the fuck up, time for us all to start telling the truth in relationships. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW the person they just said ‘I love you’ to. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW all your faces in the beginning: Do NOT act one-way then show a different side.

I want normal. I want someone what can just ‘be’: maybe not be perfect- but can just be themselves. If we still like each other at the end of the day then wonderful… at least we’d know.

***

Friendships:
Friendships in general are a whole different game. A whole new animal. People that you have known for years should SEEMINGLY be the "best urban family members," the best shoulder to drunkenly cry on, and the one you can count on to show up if there are plans to do so.

Recently I've been wondering who true friends are. Also wondering if past decisions to change my friend circle are warranted. After this week, I've made a few discoveries:

#1 Yes: past gut deciding choices were correct. When faced with someone I used to be close with for a couple years, I was like "hm, shall we try this again?" "Have we all grown up a bit?"

Fuck no.

#2 We are all assholes at some point. I called out a near and dear bff this week: "HEY!! What's with being home two week-ends and I see you for 5 minutes??" She retaliated with "No offense Dee, there was a time when you wouldn't give me the time of day when I came home. You're the last person that should be talking."

Ouch. We discussed things via phone while we were both a little buzzed. All is well now. Alcohol is the band-aid for friendships. At least for me and my girl soul mate. LOL.

It takes strength to hold together good friendships just like it does to hold together a good relationship. We fuck up. We forgive. We try to forget. If you can't do it, move on. If you can, well then, my friend, you may have friends for life.

Hollah at your friend,
D

What's left?

There's me!

or should I say: There's me?










Yes is it. Me surrounded by the question of What am I going to do NOW?

My first instinct is to pop a bottle of $10 Cab blend, a Schnuck's Special, and consume it all while watching the Hugh Grant collection of mediocre DVDs i for whatever reason had to own over the years.

Or I could have an interesting night with a muscle relaxer or two, and go out with a girl friend or two and people-watch in strange STL bars. I'd be smiling for no reason, and possibly putting off the Wonk eye because those little yellow devil pills put me half to sleep. Maybe that's not a good option either.

No Dee No, no bottle of wine, no muscle relaxer... those are for stress related chest pains only, and were prescription... (does heartbreak count? Hmmm)

So isn't it sad that I'm sitting here, on a Saturday night, on V-day night, like "How do I wanna chemically alter myself tonight? Hmm." I should go somewhere. But I don't want to. I should do something (god knows I have a ton of laundry to do) but I don't want to.

So what's happening is I'm getting anxious because there's all this stuff I should be doing, but I don't want to fucking move!! Argh fucking argh.

And to tell you the truth, I know my talking about my recent drama is quiet alientating. Shit, I'm tired of thinking about it much less talking about it.

Anywho, just rambling. Just thinking out loud.

Thanks for reading,

D

Table for 1

Ah... So this is what this feels like.

I had forgotten.

***

So in the last 24 hours (yeah, that's all it takes) I have realized how NOT GOOD I am at being 'alone.'

I'm a mopey bum, who naps when she's not tired.

Table for 1 please.

Utilitarian grocery store trips instead of "OOH! We can make it with THIS sauce" grocery trips.

Yuck.

It's amazing the difference one evening can make. At one point you're hopeful, and the next you're having to move on; having to think about things in a new light; having to rely on just yourself.

I don't get it: I did this for 2 and a half years recently- been Ms. Independent. So why do I wish I had someone around regardless? My guess is the ole you want what you cant have. When you live with someone and you are both always around in the evenings, sure, there are times you kind of wish you had the apartment to yourself. Granted when I feel like this I TOTALLY wish my sad phone call didn't happen yesterday. I wish I was looking at someone across this coffee shop table, that would make me unaware of all the hipster fucks talking about chemistry class and how their Chucks are old skool. Shut up and open a book kids.

Fuck Im a bitter old woman now. I need a sunny day with some pals this weekend. I need a good book and a warm blanket with a chihuahua or two in my lap. I need a new bottle of Goose because the other one's gone already...

Here's hoping: Table for 2.

Love D

Vacant

My inside is vacant.

My being is null.

My spirit is drifted.

My heart is removed.

.
.
.

Ever felt that way?

Really?

For most who say no, they'd be lying.

These last days I've been away from this online journal, I have had a wild ride:
I have lost the daily acquaintance of a beloved coworker
I have seen my grandmother hospitalized for the third time in twelve months
I have had a roller coaster with a personal relationship

These events have often times left me feeling like a human 'punching bag' of sort, slowly knocking the wind from me, taking the speed from my flight.

.... which has turned me to the 'brown bag.'

I used to be an, hmm... how can we say, 'extreme social drinker.'

Fortunately for myself, my career, and my relationships with friends and a dear significant other, in 2008 I rid my life of such toxic ingredients like bad people and binge drinking for 'fun.' I feel like a new person, an adult, a truly mature and LIFE EXPERIENCED 26-year-old woman.

Unfortunately, these recent weeks have brought back a thirst I so honestly believed I had buried. Way under ground. I am not fearful bad news will make me drink too frequent, or too much, but people have noticed: "Dee, you're drinking more again, eh?"

... "No. I'm just normal right?"

Problem is, I am drinking more than I'm NOW comfortable with. Compared to 2007 I'm an angel that only drinks Red Bull, espresso and bottled water. But really I'm boozing more than I had been.

***

So what fills this void? This newly vacant space? This heavy weight that has recently SLAMMED itself on my head, my chest, my heart and my spirit? Why did my old existing depression take the express train back into my life? I'm not sure of the answer, but I have to cope. I need people and life interaction and life experience and THINGS TO KEEP MY BUSY to cope, with anything. Yet I can't move. I couldn't even write the last 10 days, one of my new favorite past times.

In many ways I am truly blessed: good family, a roof, a car, my puppies, my health, and a career. Then why the fuck am I crying into my Grey Goose?

Honestly, I think the answer is: Because this shit is relative. Each human only understands their pain threshold for what they KNOW and what they have EXPERIENCED. I'm definitely pretty knowledgeable of the curve balls and trials life can throw our way, but I have yet to see a life threatening problem, right?

Well, life can mean many things: Living v. Dead, Action v. Still, Bloom v. Withered

For me its BEING DEE v. NOT BEING DEE

And what is 'Dee?' That to me is confidence, intelligence, humble actions, honest actions, and the personal strength to do whats right.

Right now I feel like I'm alive and have TRIED to be the 'Dee' I want to be, but it is a life-taker when you are riding the after-shocks of one rare occurrence after another, like I felt the last few weeks. Filling the void. Crying dry tears because you've cried so much.

The only thing I can say right now, the one thing I need to say, is: Thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that make my vacancy sign dim, even turn off. You are life's true blessings. As happy as I can be, or as sad as I may have been, I know things can always be a little bit better, or a whole lot worse.

As long as we always appreciate and acknowledge those true beautiful souls around us, and the things in life we do have, we shall overcome each small hurdle, and can smile each morning. New Day.

Love D