Boys and Boys, Girls and Girls

You know, I've always secretly hated 'girlie girls' with their groups of 7 that all buy the same fabric handbags they made at their Aunt Sherrie's purse party, and the girls that undoubtedly will be at our 10yr reunion in 2 years with a 5 year wedding band on and pics of their second infant. I just felt like they were missing something: why not hang out with some boys, too? And not like on Saved By the Bell, where hanging out meant dating all of them in rotation. I mean like, LET YOUR TOM BOY SIDE SHINE. Not every girl was meant to be a nurse, or teacher, or seamstress part-time while she stays at home.

THEN, on the flip side, I have always LOATHED boyfriends of mine that were 'guys guys.' GOD FORBID a girl goes long 1 in 5 times to their man-outings. Women seem to be an accessory to these people, like "I will have that car, and a job, and that lawn mower, and a woman. And make fire. Ugg." I always thought these guys to be slightly douche-y normally, and like "get to know your softer sides assholes. Maybe if you weren't all together, all the time, you wouldn't feel SO compelled to take those last 3 Jagerbombs you KNOW will make work tomorrow unbearable."

With all this said, and with an aside that I'm really not THAT judgemental, I'm sitting here with no girlfriends within an easy 10 miles, and possibly only 1 or 2 within 30 miles! Now this isn't because I don't have any, it's mainly because, like many mid-twenty something groups, a few of our flock had to fly away for bigger, better jobs. But that leaves some lonely in the city. Boo.

So, enter my manfriends. I have a ton. Some, yes, I may have "made out with in the past 10 years but we will NEVER be like THAT, it was just the tequila and 6 Bacardi Coolers" or 1 or 2 may be boyfriends from so long ago that you REALLY can be friends with them. But I am also trying to broaden my friend circle. In that, I'm finding that most men don't see me as a friend. Or something. I just don't get it.

Fuck that. You know what I REALLY want? A girl OR guy friend, who can do things that ARE NOT BAR RELATED. My fucking liver needs a break people! What ever happened to just coming over and "chilling?" Remember those days? My 1 in-town, 5 mile away girl friend Amber and I went to a pool the other day, and just CHATTED AND CHATTED for 3 hours, and it was so nice! We both have red boussie's, but it was SO NICE! I had a girlfriend a few years back, and it just seemed like if we weren't "on the prowl" for a man-penis then it wasn't really fun.

Anyway, I just had to get all this out.

I'll leave this blog with my face book jargen from the last 1 hour: (and I never really use facebook, but this was for RESEARCH!)

**

Denise Mueller Pondering why its so hard to be friends with the opposite sex.

Kenneth M Cuvar at 1:34pm June 25

Well if that's the wa you feel you can just GO TO HELL!! (sarcastic tone)

Charles Reagan at 1:41pm June 25

Your vagina is like a siren's song, it won't allow for the friendship only the sexy time. It's a shame doll.

Denise Mueller at 1:44pm June 25

Well wtf am I supposed to do NOW that you said that? lol. Apparently "some ppl can be friends and never had any benefits." Hell, we've even made out. HA

Charles Reagan at 1:45pm June 25

I was confused! I was a frat boy! Don't hold it against me Holy Gay God! Please!

Denise Mueller at 1:51pm June 25

HAHA! Well, I'm glad we made it. :)

**
Much love,
D

A Little Coffee... A Little Motion

It's amazing the mood swings one can suffer in a matter of hours... This post is simply a reflection of my life in the last 12 hours.





So this afternoon I was particularly lonely, as I am and will be every Wednesday while Ez is in the greater Champaign/Urbana area. HOWever, I decided to have a day filled of things: mall, organize office, laundry... etc. My day would be so busy I wouldn't mind being alone.

But I have a hard time ACTUALLY motivating myself when I'm depressed/alone. My friends know this well: when they come by I slowly start cleaning. lol

So today in my lazy hours, I watched The Departed, a great movie to get your mind off love and feelings, then like and IDIOT I watched 27 Dresses. I WANTED A BOY AROUND DAMMIT!! Depresssssso. So I decided to TRY to spread love: I messaged Ez like 5 messages like "Muah" and "Can't wait til Friday!" It worked. It's like how people say 'smiles are contagious'; well apparently so are pleaseant texts. Ezra sent me lovely, and sometimes dirty, texts the rest of the evening. Took my mind off this cluster situation for a few hours.

So after waking up at 1:15pm, and doing the movie thing til like 7pm, I went to the mall, and did the usual retail therapy: MAC cosmetics and Express. I did feel better!

Upon leaving, I was like "WTF self. Why when you leave the mall do you become sad again."

I guess I knew I would be going home to sit. To wallow. To feel alone again.

So there I sat.

And I'll tell you what, I have not felt THAT DEPRESSED since my personal dark days in 2004-2005. HOW did I have a swing like that? WTF? I was just pacing my apartment, looking at all the things I had to do: organize office, 3 loads of laundry, put dishes away, put LAST weeks clean laundry away. (fuck I had been lazy this week...)

I could do nothing. I, like many people, can't do many daily functions when they are having a depressed feeling.

So I deliberated: should I drink? Nah, don't have enough to make a difference, and I didn't want to feel like shit tomorrow on my 13 hour shift. Take a muscle relaxer? Nah, I'm already to down, that would worsen it. Should I start taking these "herbal anti-depressants" that someone gave me during the dark days that still are as addictive as clinical anti-d's therefore I never took them anyway, NO...... This would pass.

The problem is,... I didn't feel good last night, either. And I told myself I'd sleep it off and tomorrow would be another day. Well, today was another day,... and I still feel like shit. That's the scary thing. Everyone has a bad day, right? But the only people that worry are the ones that see two days turn into a week and possibly turn into a month or 2004-2005. Haaaaaaa I digress.

So I did what anyone would do: I took two Excedrine (yes, I actually was getting a headache, however the caffeine does make for a lovely side-effect), and drank a Starbucks double shot. AMAZING. I was better!!

I got my ass up, started some laundry, FINALLY put my office together, got out some oil paints and did my first canvas in 8 years! What a cool few hours. ** Check it, Smurf hands from my blue paint!

I ate a late meal (fattening but makes me HAPPY!), made some new friends online in a liberal chatroom, and basically just relished this new up swing.

So now I'm happier, slightly too full, and wide awake at 3am. The joys of being a slightly depressed bartender with too much time, and paint, on her hands...



Swing Swing,
D

Evening Thoughts

...a.k.a. Wine induced thoughts.

Do we notice a trend in the ole' recycling bin? I can't take all the credit, danke Ezra. However today it was only I that filled the bin with bottles. Ezra moved today and I'm left feeling empty...


In the last few weeks, I have been playing the yo-yo game with the man in my life. We have had what is seemingly the 'easy-come, easy-go' 3 month relationship; yet he brings something fresh to my relationship think-tank. He has been the first man I've dated that REALLY is my complete opposite; my challenger, to which I proclaimed defeat 3 times. :(

Ezra and I have the spunk and wit, as well as livers, to have a delightful relationship full of laughs and parties, and also have intelligent conversations, and cozy nights at home. However, we are also two type-A personalities, as well as both bull-headed, and have opposite interests in many accounts. SO, it made for an interesting 2 months.

Well, our final curtain call was a mature conversation regarding arguing a hand full of times, and we decided maybe it was best to be friends.

4 days later... we break the new friend rule with an unforgettable night.

We go back and forth trying to figure ourselves out. We have a great public 'air' as a couple; and are so well KNOWN as well as that duo! I swear, if one of us are out alone within the city limits at one of our usual spots, the bartender, cashier, or acquaintance goes "where's the other one? Your lady friend (or man friend) with the hat?" Ha! (We both wear hats, like 2 dorks in newboys.)

Enter this recent week: After a long weekend at the bar, Ez and I had the most amazing 3 days. Still referring to each other as "friend" as a reminder, we keep things non-sexual, maybe a kiss here or there, and only sleeping next to each other if the hour called for it.

We had one evening, that surprised me even as it was happening:
We saw "The Hangover" (awesome flick) which left me in the mood to be in a casino or loud bar. We did Nick's Pub, then headed over to Lumiere Place's GloBar. There was buzz in the air, and in our heads, and the bar had sexy high-backed red leather booths. We sat there asking life-long questions: "Where do you see us living?" "What would our place look like?" "Can you see us together for a long time" completely immersed in each other.

Such a great time.

I went to work that weekend a little freaked out, honestly. AM I TRULY DOING THIS AGAIN? AM I FEELING THIS? See, I'm the girl that tells her girl friends "If you break up more than once, it's a sign it should be over." So, how can I feel this way, such hypocrisy?

I was honest with him the whole time, speaking concern for our direction. He understands, however is more "go with the flow" than I. I'm a mathematician with my heart, a business woman that looks at history and past figures to direct me. Always have.

One thing Ezra has shown me: I cannot ALWAYS let history play such a role. And it's not just him: I have had 3 0r 4 ex-boyfriends ask me: "Are you always going to just give up, and move on? You'll be alone for life."

Fuck.

I thought I was just DATING. Right? I'm only 26, and sure, I've had my fair share of relationships both long and short, but it doesn't mean I should just "stick one out." AHHH.

Ez said one thing to me that leaves me perplexed: "Maybe those few arguments are us just 'feeling each other out,' getting to know each other. Maybe it's not fighting, it's just us getting a chance to understand how the other thinks, feels, and communicates. Maybe for us, it's a necessity and we are getting better everyday."

Hmm. To me it was like arguing. Like not getting along. I don't get it.

Anywho, things were going well, and I just left myself NOT DEFINE IT. I think that is the key right now. Just trust yourself, and trust the person, DO NOT DEFINE IT. Relish the good company, and just be happy with the present.

On Saturday, I got off work, and in 2 hours had the most RIDICULOUS conversations with two men, one a friend of the past and one a new acquaintance, that I wanted to throw up. I lost alllll faith in men. And almost in our species. HOW FUCKING DUMB can men be sometimes to suggest such things, and speak with such arrogance. Go fuck off people, or call me when you're sober and over your bull shit.

Unfortunately, it brought my current high down to a "really, Ez is leaving, and we should just be friends. What was I thinking." MY DUMB ASS parlayed these feelings at 4am on my way home, fueled by my previous hatred to all men from just an hour before. the conversation started innocent enough, and then something hit a button, and I caught him completely off guard. I just let out a slew of negative thoughts :(

So dumb.

I woke the next day remembering his soft, tired, questioning voice "What happened in the last 12 hours? Are you ok? What did I do?" I cannot remembering feeling so ill as that morning. We decided to meet up that afternoon, before his departure. I told him while I apologized for bringing more attitude to the table than he deserved due to my previous bullshit men had delivered, my concerns were real. We decided to have a nice afternoon and try our best to work things out, whatever that means. We will talk while he's gone, and try to see each other when he's home.

Whatever this endeavor is to bring, it is teaching me to wait though the rain, and then see the blooms. It is teaching me that I do rely on having "someone" in my life all the time: SO MUCH that I do not know my own self. I haven't allowed myself to blossom.

SO, Here I sit, alone on my normal "Monday through Wednesday happy manfriend time with Ezra."

'Tis the season for me to feel loved, to try to communicate my friendship, and love over 200 miles away, and to just be at peace by myself.

Much love,
D

Table for 1

Ah... So this is what this feels like.

I had forgotten.

***

So in the last 24 hours (yeah, that's all it takes) I have realized how NOT GOOD I am at being 'alone.'

I'm a mopey bum, who naps when she's not tired.

Table for 1 please.

Utilitarian grocery store trips instead of "OOH! We can make it with THIS sauce" grocery trips.

Yuck.

It's amazing the difference one evening can make. At one point you're hopeful, and the next you're having to move on; having to think about things in a new light; having to rely on just yourself.

I don't get it: I did this for 2 and a half years recently- been Ms. Independent. So why do I wish I had someone around regardless? My guess is the ole you want what you cant have. When you live with someone and you are both always around in the evenings, sure, there are times you kind of wish you had the apartment to yourself. Granted when I feel like this I TOTALLY wish my sad phone call didn't happen yesterday. I wish I was looking at someone across this coffee shop table, that would make me unaware of all the hipster fucks talking about chemistry class and how their Chucks are old skool. Shut up and open a book kids.

Fuck Im a bitter old woman now. I need a sunny day with some pals this weekend. I need a good book and a warm blanket with a chihuahua or two in my lap. I need a new bottle of Goose because the other one's gone already...

Here's hoping: Table for 2.

Love D

Vacant

My inside is vacant.

My being is null.

My spirit is drifted.

My heart is removed.

.
.
.

Ever felt that way?

Really?

For most who say no, they'd be lying.

These last days I've been away from this online journal, I have had a wild ride:
I have lost the daily acquaintance of a beloved coworker
I have seen my grandmother hospitalized for the third time in twelve months
I have had a roller coaster with a personal relationship

These events have often times left me feeling like a human 'punching bag' of sort, slowly knocking the wind from me, taking the speed from my flight.

.... which has turned me to the 'brown bag.'

I used to be an, hmm... how can we say, 'extreme social drinker.'

Fortunately for myself, my career, and my relationships with friends and a dear significant other, in 2008 I rid my life of such toxic ingredients like bad people and binge drinking for 'fun.' I feel like a new person, an adult, a truly mature and LIFE EXPERIENCED 26-year-old woman.

Unfortunately, these recent weeks have brought back a thirst I so honestly believed I had buried. Way under ground. I am not fearful bad news will make me drink too frequent, or too much, but people have noticed: "Dee, you're drinking more again, eh?"

... "No. I'm just normal right?"

Problem is, I am drinking more than I'm NOW comfortable with. Compared to 2007 I'm an angel that only drinks Red Bull, espresso and bottled water. But really I'm boozing more than I had been.

***

So what fills this void? This newly vacant space? This heavy weight that has recently SLAMMED itself on my head, my chest, my heart and my spirit? Why did my old existing depression take the express train back into my life? I'm not sure of the answer, but I have to cope. I need people and life interaction and life experience and THINGS TO KEEP MY BUSY to cope, with anything. Yet I can't move. I couldn't even write the last 10 days, one of my new favorite past times.

In many ways I am truly blessed: good family, a roof, a car, my puppies, my health, and a career. Then why the fuck am I crying into my Grey Goose?

Honestly, I think the answer is: Because this shit is relative. Each human only understands their pain threshold for what they KNOW and what they have EXPERIENCED. I'm definitely pretty knowledgeable of the curve balls and trials life can throw our way, but I have yet to see a life threatening problem, right?

Well, life can mean many things: Living v. Dead, Action v. Still, Bloom v. Withered

For me its BEING DEE v. NOT BEING DEE

And what is 'Dee?' That to me is confidence, intelligence, humble actions, honest actions, and the personal strength to do whats right.

Right now I feel like I'm alive and have TRIED to be the 'Dee' I want to be, but it is a life-taker when you are riding the after-shocks of one rare occurrence after another, like I felt the last few weeks. Filling the void. Crying dry tears because you've cried so much.

The only thing I can say right now, the one thing I need to say, is: Thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that make my vacancy sign dim, even turn off. You are life's true blessings. As happy as I can be, or as sad as I may have been, I know things can always be a little bit better, or a whole lot worse.

As long as we always appreciate and acknowledge those true beautiful souls around us, and the things in life we do have, we shall overcome each small hurdle, and can smile each morning. New Day.

Love D