WTF Did cavemen do?

So this guy works for CNN in their Science and Technology division. He says:
"I’m sure some of you will be wondering what the big deal is. You don’t have an iPhone or a BlackBerry and you get along just great in your day-to-day life. But in the past month I’ve heard from a lot of people who say they couldn’t do their job without their smartphones. So it’s not just me."

So he's basically dared himself to go a week without his iPhone: a.k.a Tech Torture with Topher. See above video

So MY say on this, is that it is a BRILLIANT experiment that I think A LOT of people should try once in a while.

Yes, I'm attached to my BlackBerry Storm. I'm aware. But that's just ONE of probably THREE annoying things 60 years old are looking at 50-year-olds and younger going WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHES DOING THESE DAYS??

#1 Mobile Phones, or really, Mobile Offices. (Maybe even MobileLives?)
Bitches, you know even our 26-year-old asses are yelling at each other at dinner parties!! And you know what's funny, I went through a mad texting phase when qwerty LG phones came out like 5 years ago, but that's the TIP of the annoying ice berg. Example:
Creagan's birthday. Awesome dinner party at swank vodka/sushi bar. We are having a conversation and anytime someone said, "hm, I wonder" one of 4 guys would go, "Well according to cnn.com" or "Oh shit! I've got that pic on my phone hold on" and the hostess was like "Hey ya'll. No offense. PUT THAT SHIT AWAY. That includes you Dee." :(

But she was right. It's insane.

#2 Social Networking Sites.
I'M SORRY!! I HATE THEM. BUT LET ME FINISH!! I *Love* that I can see pics of friends removed and find out that my 7th grade boyfriend is recently married. That's all good and wonderful. But when my best friends tell me "What do you mean I did not tell you? I talked about it on my FaceBook homepage all week. Didn't you get the FaceBook invitation?"

Really? Really. Wow. So now we have actually surpassed lazy fuckers (like me) not answering a call because they are enjoying a lovely dinner or are really into a movie FAR too much for a 30 minute phone call, so they will text you "what's up" 30 minutes later. NOW we don't even NEED to personally communicate.

And what I thought was ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING: The rest of the world was already over MySpace, (isn't it weird how it's less appealing now... trends ya'll... trends) and FaceBook is still gaining some power but that's even getting a little too "app-y" for me... So enter TWITTER. SO SIMPLE. So easy. It's like your News Feed from FaceBook and that's it! No apps please. No "Now it's all about 'BEST friends' or 'Fans'." Bitch we are already "friends" in real life.

I digress. So Twitter has the world changed in like 2 months. Yes it's been out longer, but WOW. The world was craving something NEW! You know why I love it? (Or will when everyone gets on?) Is because it's like sending out "Mass texts" without feeling guilty when you're friends go "You sent that to like 10 people didn't you?" (always, yes.)

But really, to my point, ever sit back and listen to some of your friends who don't just enjoy FaceBook and find it as innocent entertainment, they are now using it as some form of necessary communication or even worse, as a spy tool, or punishment. MY fav was when someone would "take you out of their top 8" on MySpace back in 2007. lol. Now I hear my friends going "OMG I said something about my boyfriend on my News Feed, and all his friends saw it and commented. Now they all know how sad he is!" Wow. FaceBook is INSANE how they interweave stuff. I don't need to know that Ashley made a new friend on there. Or that Sarah's boyfriends' friend commented on a picture that someone else took of me and he knows some girl in the background. Shit people. And to boot, my email account sends me reminders of each occurance, so I HAVE to get online and check that shit. Sheesh. We all sound so lame.

#3 CABLE TV.
It's a doozy everyone. My closer friends and family know, I "stuck it to the man" 3 years ago, and disconnected my Charter Cable service. And my home didn't get the "use an antennae" channels. I had nothing. To this day, even in a new home, and a new state, I have yet to get it. Am I kind of out of the loop? Hell yes. Do I miss the nightly news and things like the olympics, yes. That is the hardest part. I AM ABOUT TO GET BASIC. I think. The networks are still decent programming and wouldn't cost a car payment.

But on to the point: I LAUGH INSIDE AND OUT WHEN I HEAR THAT "FLAVOR OF LOVES" SPIN-OFF'S HAVE THEIR OWN SPIN-OFFS!! What is wrong with this world?? And that WebWhores like Tila Tequila and Reality Rejects like NewYork have like 5 SHOWS!!

There are some days that I feel much better NOT having seen the last 3 years of reality tv, and missed most of the recent writer's strikes' stand-in shows. Yes I have missed a few things, but I know I can live without it.

I think if I dared some of my friends to not watch tv (I do watch movies via dvd) they could not do it. If I said "just turn on your iTunes or your radio and chill to that, or throw in a movie" they would be like "you're insane, go back to drinking or sleeping or blogging." (yup.)

**

So there it all is. Try it sometime everyone. YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED HOW DUMB OUR GENERATION SOUNDS. I mean, we were part of something VERY special, the non-tangible revolution, where everything just "tranfers through GB and MB and Broadband." But we need to sit down sometimes, and SEE each other. TALK to each other. Shares some moments that ARE NOT IMMEDIATELY photographed and uploaded. Just be. I bet it would be so bizarre for everyone, myself included.

Much Love,
PM2Progress
DenisePR
Neecie311

Oops. I mean, Dee.

Conservibal, Libertive... Whatever

I was just thinking about something I heard the other day, drove me NUTS.

(And you know, even great acquaintances can drive ya nuts, hell, I'm lame at times, aren't we all?)

A friend of mine is cheating her federal tax information to keep a state-aided, federal-backed financial benefit. Now, I HEAR her side, and KNOW ALL THE CONTEXT, but I am not cheating. Am I? Hm. I don't "have all the ____ she has in her life," but really. Why am I PAYING MY TAX MONEY, TO HER FED-AIDED PROGRAM, SO SHE CAN WORK LESS AND MAKE THE SAME. Hm.

Almost as bad as the WORST example of our fucked up tax system:
SIUE, 2002, Sociology class (could not have had a better setting). There was a outspoken token brown-haired "would suck dick to get ahead in the political arena" Republican in a J.Crew sweater and an initial-embroidered LL Bean backpack. We were talking about the Food Stamp/LINK Card programs. She raised her hand and said "When I went to U of I, me and my 3 roommates were filling out our financial aid forms, and there was this box 'check if you want to see if you quailify for LINK.' So we checked the box. We all got like $400 a month for food! It was awesome. Like so much food money in one student apartment! It was awesome, because we didn't necessarily need it, but we got it."

Uh. Sure bitch. Sure you didn't need it. Doesn't sound to me like you were a "grants only paid my way" kid who bussed your ass to school. Not to undercut her, but I hated her and that whole BS monologue she spewed out.

Then, a well-spoken, 35 year old black woman raised her hand, "Hi. I have 2 children from a common-law type relationship. I work full time, and pay for baby-sitting, and am trying to get my degree to better my life and the lives of my children. Unfortunately, I get about $270 a month on my LINK card. So what's wrong here? That's for my whole family!"

Then Repub-slut retorts "It's not my problem you had children early." wtf.

Come to think of it, there was another LL Beaner in there, a 45-year-old that was on Unemployment for the EIGHTEENTH MONTH!!! I HAD to say something. "How are you on Unemployment for that long? Get a job some where. I'm bartending to pay for my bills, and I'm still pulling a 3.3 gpa. Why can't you?"

She replied, "Why shouldn't my company pay me still, and if I can get government aid too, why not. There's no way I'll find a job like I had, so I'll just go to school and then I'll look."

GOD PEOPLE!! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IS PAYING FOR YOUR ASS TO SIT AT HOME AND GO TO SCHOOL FOR 8 HOURS?? Who do you think is paying for your Schnucks brand Cream Corn and generic 2-ply so YOU can afford Jack Daniels and Virginia Slim cartons?

Fuck you all.

Sheesh I sound so conservative. I'm not completely. I am all for civil rights movements, therefore will typically vote democrat. AHHHHHHHH

See my dilemma?

Ah. Afternoon thoughts. Delightful.

D

Boys and Boys, Girls and Girls

You know, I've always secretly hated 'girlie girls' with their groups of 7 that all buy the same fabric handbags they made at their Aunt Sherrie's purse party, and the girls that undoubtedly will be at our 10yr reunion in 2 years with a 5 year wedding band on and pics of their second infant. I just felt like they were missing something: why not hang out with some boys, too? And not like on Saved By the Bell, where hanging out meant dating all of them in rotation. I mean like, LET YOUR TOM BOY SIDE SHINE. Not every girl was meant to be a nurse, or teacher, or seamstress part-time while she stays at home.

THEN, on the flip side, I have always LOATHED boyfriends of mine that were 'guys guys.' GOD FORBID a girl goes long 1 in 5 times to their man-outings. Women seem to be an accessory to these people, like "I will have that car, and a job, and that lawn mower, and a woman. And make fire. Ugg." I always thought these guys to be slightly douche-y normally, and like "get to know your softer sides assholes. Maybe if you weren't all together, all the time, you wouldn't feel SO compelled to take those last 3 Jagerbombs you KNOW will make work tomorrow unbearable."

With all this said, and with an aside that I'm really not THAT judgemental, I'm sitting here with no girlfriends within an easy 10 miles, and possibly only 1 or 2 within 30 miles! Now this isn't because I don't have any, it's mainly because, like many mid-twenty something groups, a few of our flock had to fly away for bigger, better jobs. But that leaves some lonely in the city. Boo.

So, enter my manfriends. I have a ton. Some, yes, I may have "made out with in the past 10 years but we will NEVER be like THAT, it was just the tequila and 6 Bacardi Coolers" or 1 or 2 may be boyfriends from so long ago that you REALLY can be friends with them. But I am also trying to broaden my friend circle. In that, I'm finding that most men don't see me as a friend. Or something. I just don't get it.

Fuck that. You know what I REALLY want? A girl OR guy friend, who can do things that ARE NOT BAR RELATED. My fucking liver needs a break people! What ever happened to just coming over and "chilling?" Remember those days? My 1 in-town, 5 mile away girl friend Amber and I went to a pool the other day, and just CHATTED AND CHATTED for 3 hours, and it was so nice! We both have red boussie's, but it was SO NICE! I had a girlfriend a few years back, and it just seemed like if we weren't "on the prowl" for a man-penis then it wasn't really fun.

Anyway, I just had to get all this out.

I'll leave this blog with my face book jargen from the last 1 hour: (and I never really use facebook, but this was for RESEARCH!)

**

Denise Mueller Pondering why its so hard to be friends with the opposite sex.

Kenneth M Cuvar at 1:34pm June 25

Well if that's the wa you feel you can just GO TO HELL!! (sarcastic tone)

Charles Reagan at 1:41pm June 25

Your vagina is like a siren's song, it won't allow for the friendship only the sexy time. It's a shame doll.

Denise Mueller at 1:44pm June 25

Well wtf am I supposed to do NOW that you said that? lol. Apparently "some ppl can be friends and never had any benefits." Hell, we've even made out. HA

Charles Reagan at 1:45pm June 25

I was confused! I was a frat boy! Don't hold it against me Holy Gay God! Please!

Denise Mueller at 1:51pm June 25

HAHA! Well, I'm glad we made it. :)

**
Much love,
D

A Little Coffee... A Little Motion

It's amazing the mood swings one can suffer in a matter of hours... This post is simply a reflection of my life in the last 12 hours.





So this afternoon I was particularly lonely, as I am and will be every Wednesday while Ez is in the greater Champaign/Urbana area. HOWever, I decided to have a day filled of things: mall, organize office, laundry... etc. My day would be so busy I wouldn't mind being alone.

But I have a hard time ACTUALLY motivating myself when I'm depressed/alone. My friends know this well: when they come by I slowly start cleaning. lol

So today in my lazy hours, I watched The Departed, a great movie to get your mind off love and feelings, then like and IDIOT I watched 27 Dresses. I WANTED A BOY AROUND DAMMIT!! Depresssssso. So I decided to TRY to spread love: I messaged Ez like 5 messages like "Muah" and "Can't wait til Friday!" It worked. It's like how people say 'smiles are contagious'; well apparently so are pleaseant texts. Ezra sent me lovely, and sometimes dirty, texts the rest of the evening. Took my mind off this cluster situation for a few hours.

So after waking up at 1:15pm, and doing the movie thing til like 7pm, I went to the mall, and did the usual retail therapy: MAC cosmetics and Express. I did feel better!

Upon leaving, I was like "WTF self. Why when you leave the mall do you become sad again."

I guess I knew I would be going home to sit. To wallow. To feel alone again.

So there I sat.

And I'll tell you what, I have not felt THAT DEPRESSED since my personal dark days in 2004-2005. HOW did I have a swing like that? WTF? I was just pacing my apartment, looking at all the things I had to do: organize office, 3 loads of laundry, put dishes away, put LAST weeks clean laundry away. (fuck I had been lazy this week...)

I could do nothing. I, like many people, can't do many daily functions when they are having a depressed feeling.

So I deliberated: should I drink? Nah, don't have enough to make a difference, and I didn't want to feel like shit tomorrow on my 13 hour shift. Take a muscle relaxer? Nah, I'm already to down, that would worsen it. Should I start taking these "herbal anti-depressants" that someone gave me during the dark days that still are as addictive as clinical anti-d's therefore I never took them anyway, NO...... This would pass.

The problem is,... I didn't feel good last night, either. And I told myself I'd sleep it off and tomorrow would be another day. Well, today was another day,... and I still feel like shit. That's the scary thing. Everyone has a bad day, right? But the only people that worry are the ones that see two days turn into a week and possibly turn into a month or 2004-2005. Haaaaaaa I digress.

So I did what anyone would do: I took two Excedrine (yes, I actually was getting a headache, however the caffeine does make for a lovely side-effect), and drank a Starbucks double shot. AMAZING. I was better!!

I got my ass up, started some laundry, FINALLY put my office together, got out some oil paints and did my first canvas in 8 years! What a cool few hours. ** Check it, Smurf hands from my blue paint!

I ate a late meal (fattening but makes me HAPPY!), made some new friends online in a liberal chatroom, and basically just relished this new up swing.

So now I'm happier, slightly too full, and wide awake at 3am. The joys of being a slightly depressed bartender with too much time, and paint, on her hands...



Swing Swing,
D

Evening Thoughts

...a.k.a. Wine induced thoughts.

Do we notice a trend in the ole' recycling bin? I can't take all the credit, danke Ezra. However today it was only I that filled the bin with bottles. Ezra moved today and I'm left feeling empty...


In the last few weeks, I have been playing the yo-yo game with the man in my life. We have had what is seemingly the 'easy-come, easy-go' 3 month relationship; yet he brings something fresh to my relationship think-tank. He has been the first man I've dated that REALLY is my complete opposite; my challenger, to which I proclaimed defeat 3 times. :(

Ezra and I have the spunk and wit, as well as livers, to have a delightful relationship full of laughs and parties, and also have intelligent conversations, and cozy nights at home. However, we are also two type-A personalities, as well as both bull-headed, and have opposite interests in many accounts. SO, it made for an interesting 2 months.

Well, our final curtain call was a mature conversation regarding arguing a hand full of times, and we decided maybe it was best to be friends.

4 days later... we break the new friend rule with an unforgettable night.

We go back and forth trying to figure ourselves out. We have a great public 'air' as a couple; and are so well KNOWN as well as that duo! I swear, if one of us are out alone within the city limits at one of our usual spots, the bartender, cashier, or acquaintance goes "where's the other one? Your lady friend (or man friend) with the hat?" Ha! (We both wear hats, like 2 dorks in newboys.)

Enter this recent week: After a long weekend at the bar, Ez and I had the most amazing 3 days. Still referring to each other as "friend" as a reminder, we keep things non-sexual, maybe a kiss here or there, and only sleeping next to each other if the hour called for it.

We had one evening, that surprised me even as it was happening:
We saw "The Hangover" (awesome flick) which left me in the mood to be in a casino or loud bar. We did Nick's Pub, then headed over to Lumiere Place's GloBar. There was buzz in the air, and in our heads, and the bar had sexy high-backed red leather booths. We sat there asking life-long questions: "Where do you see us living?" "What would our place look like?" "Can you see us together for a long time" completely immersed in each other.

Such a great time.

I went to work that weekend a little freaked out, honestly. AM I TRULY DOING THIS AGAIN? AM I FEELING THIS? See, I'm the girl that tells her girl friends "If you break up more than once, it's a sign it should be over." So, how can I feel this way, such hypocrisy?

I was honest with him the whole time, speaking concern for our direction. He understands, however is more "go with the flow" than I. I'm a mathematician with my heart, a business woman that looks at history and past figures to direct me. Always have.

One thing Ezra has shown me: I cannot ALWAYS let history play such a role. And it's not just him: I have had 3 0r 4 ex-boyfriends ask me: "Are you always going to just give up, and move on? You'll be alone for life."

Fuck.

I thought I was just DATING. Right? I'm only 26, and sure, I've had my fair share of relationships both long and short, but it doesn't mean I should just "stick one out." AHHH.

Ez said one thing to me that leaves me perplexed: "Maybe those few arguments are us just 'feeling each other out,' getting to know each other. Maybe it's not fighting, it's just us getting a chance to understand how the other thinks, feels, and communicates. Maybe for us, it's a necessity and we are getting better everyday."

Hmm. To me it was like arguing. Like not getting along. I don't get it.

Anywho, things were going well, and I just left myself NOT DEFINE IT. I think that is the key right now. Just trust yourself, and trust the person, DO NOT DEFINE IT. Relish the good company, and just be happy with the present.

On Saturday, I got off work, and in 2 hours had the most RIDICULOUS conversations with two men, one a friend of the past and one a new acquaintance, that I wanted to throw up. I lost alllll faith in men. And almost in our species. HOW FUCKING DUMB can men be sometimes to suggest such things, and speak with such arrogance. Go fuck off people, or call me when you're sober and over your bull shit.

Unfortunately, it brought my current high down to a "really, Ez is leaving, and we should just be friends. What was I thinking." MY DUMB ASS parlayed these feelings at 4am on my way home, fueled by my previous hatred to all men from just an hour before. the conversation started innocent enough, and then something hit a button, and I caught him completely off guard. I just let out a slew of negative thoughts :(

So dumb.

I woke the next day remembering his soft, tired, questioning voice "What happened in the last 12 hours? Are you ok? What did I do?" I cannot remembering feeling so ill as that morning. We decided to meet up that afternoon, before his departure. I told him while I apologized for bringing more attitude to the table than he deserved due to my previous bullshit men had delivered, my concerns were real. We decided to have a nice afternoon and try our best to work things out, whatever that means. We will talk while he's gone, and try to see each other when he's home.

Whatever this endeavor is to bring, it is teaching me to wait though the rain, and then see the blooms. It is teaching me that I do rely on having "someone" in my life all the time: SO MUCH that I do not know my own self. I haven't allowed myself to blossom.

SO, Here I sit, alone on my normal "Monday through Wednesday happy manfriend time with Ezra."

'Tis the season for me to feel loved, to try to communicate my friendship, and love over 200 miles away, and to just be at peace by myself.

Much love,
D

Man I'm old

This week has been a rough wake up call...










So I'm super psyched about a lot of things new in my life: New job, new boy friend, new chance to play softball with some good friends...

Things are looking up.

But fuck! How did I used to do this stuff!!? Haha, it's bad! Like I used to be a bartender on 10 hour shifts, 5 days a week, and used to play a sport for 3 hours no problem.

I'll tell you what; after 3 insane shifts at the bar, and a double header Softball afternoon, I'm totally out of order today. Like burnt to a crisp from waking up before noon and being in the sun all day on Sunday, and quads and hamstrings and triceps sore from doing random bar necessities I have not performed in 3 years.

It will all pass of course. Just the first week or two will be a bit rough. I feel 96, not 26. I feel like an albino that hung out around the equator a day too long...

On the bright (punnnnn) side, after softball (and Ezra's soccer game) we went to our friend Phil's rooftop oasis, and grilled some chicken, and drank till the sun went down. I was a wonderful experience after a long weekend. New aquaintences seeing each other at our best (drunk) and PEOPLE WATCHING EXTRAVAGANZA!! Holy hell. So fun. By 9:30 that rooftop felt more like a family reunion.

Anywho, good times. Things are going really well. I just have to ask one thing...

...Anyone have some fucking aloe?

Dizzle

BLISS

This is what I had been doing the last 3 weeks... Sleeping, Drinking, Taking pictures of my puppies Max and Katie. (He is really that small. Like a midget warlock/gremlin Chihuahua :)








But now.... I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in so long. I have taken everything that wasn't working for me, and LUCKILY found fabulous things to replace them. Out with toxic communications, in with positive relations.

For the last month I have been doing some thinking, some extreme soul searching, and made some bold moves.

I quit a job in a recession, and did not have the cliche "three months' salary in savings."

I had a "soon to be" amiable split with Nick, which we had a nice coffee hour yesterday, and politely agreed that the split was a good thing for both of us. He's doing well in business, and I'm trying to get back to "Dee," trying to find some sides of me that were lost in translation over the last few years.

I met a GREAT man, Ezra, very shortly after my split. We started off just having coffee, or a late night Uncle Bill's buffet. Things moved into a great relationship. I can't ask for more: he's honest, he's there for me, he's not pretentious, and he wears the same hats I do. It's almost too cute. I need a pic of us together so I can POSTTTTT it. :) We are going to a wedding together this weekend; Hopefully I get a chance to show him off to the InterwebTwitterFaceSpace.

Another GREAT thing, is I'm getting opportunities to connect to my new neighborhood. The other night a friend of mine brought up available spots for a LBGT friendly Softball team, and it's sponsored by my coffee house down the street!! I am SO excited!! I was infamously snubbed last summer by two gal pals that I introduced, when they joined a kickball team behind my back, thinking that because I was in a relationship I wouldn't be "fun" or something. Not into the frat boys with the coolers. Who knows. So this opportunity is SUGARYSPLENDA sweet. I'm getting to relive my softball days (10 years ago, yikes) with a beer on the side. lol

Also, this week, I bit the bullet and bought some long time over due art supplies. I have had this bug in me for the last few years to start "creating" again, and I've been shopping oil paints and drafting tables ever since... Just never wanted to shell out the money. Well Ez and I went shopping the other day, and you know, dating someone creative and being around friends that have creative hobbies such as music or art, makes you want to just go for it. I found some GREAT deals on a "starter" set of paints, and brushes. I also bought a nice brush, 2 canvases, and a sketch pad to "play with" before I waste a canvas. Totally psyched.

Now that I have my "extra room" for "something extra" I may put a table in there. But honestly I'm vieing for a move in the livingroom set up, so I can paint in front of my french doors.

Now the grand finale: I GOT A JOB YESTERDAY!! SUPER PSYCHED!! It's a wine bar in Belleville, IL, which is about 10 miles east of St. Louis. There is an adorable "main street" by this giant foutain, circle drive, plaza type area, and my bar is RIGHT THERE.

http://www.thewinetapbelleville.com/













So this is the middle room that's available for reservations, and by the front door is where me and a partner will have 8 small tables and a decent sized semi-circle bar. Beyond this middle room is a 60-person heated, covered, patio. Next weekend they are having a cabaret show!! I was like, this is my place. Then the owner goes, "So you know Dee, their songs can, get kind of risque... Is that ok?" HA! I was like "Thank you!!"

I will bartend like any other for about 3 or 4 weeks, then I'm the manager. :) I work the same night as many of my friends, which is great. I am giving up weekends til the end of time, but the owners Allison and Dave were realisitc when I said there would be negotiations, like "2 weekend nights off a month" and my base salary for management. I honestly couldn't be happier with them. Wonderful people, entreprenuers, and about all, humble as anyone could be.

I feel like I've taken a happy pill.

What an amazing turn of events from my recent blogging. And you know, I understand things won't always be perfect, but the weight that has been lifted from my back is significant, and I am going to hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Thank you to everyone that has my back and has been sending me daily love and good vibes.

One last thing: Shout out to my girl Kristen!! She just got a KILLER upgrade on life as well!
#1 New job: she'll be an Albequerque transplant working for the local NBC affiliate. Great pay raise, along with jumping over 100 markets (news talk for going from a smaller city to a bigger city)!! You are well on your way to STL or better, and you know it. Congrats Chica!!
#2 And also, I have to mention, your newest love interest is a wonderful man, AND YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT. Keep it up girl. 2 Kudos. ;)

Much Love,
D

The Haunted

Have you ever been incapable of shaking something? A feeling? A thought?

A haunting?


I'm currently having a daily/nightly fucked up vibe that I cannot shake.

It's a terrible feeling. Not like a ghost. I should be so lucky. Fuck, give me a spirit that opens my cabinets or steals my clothes and then floats around in them.

No... This is much different. This is one of those things that people should probably go to counseling for: something that rots away your positive mind set and makes you feel as though you're fucked up for life.

Recently I have been fucked up for life, even if it's just in a minuscule way, in just one aspect of life.

I have almost all but lost the ability to trust. Is anyone else with me? It feels like a lonely feeling. Like everyone else probably does not have such paranoid thoughts. But I have a sneaking suspicion that OTHER people think this as well, however keep the thoughts locked away, and just take it. They take the daily mind-fuck with a grain of salt, and just deal.

I think this new observation has been building for a while actually: it has stemmed from a few choice events from a few choice people in my life. Some from relationships, yet recently even at work. Shit so fucked up it made me tell a man to get out of my life after a year of dating, and walk out on my job of 2.5 years all in the same month.

Ever felt the breeze? Ever heard the metaphorical crickets? Ever heard and seen the tree fall in the forest? These are things you notice when you just wiped your slate clean.

Step two is feeling the chill: the ever-presence of these fucking words that dipshits spouted out to you that RUINED your day. These words and actions make you wonder something very important:

DO I DO THIS ALL THE TIME? Am I running?

How these fucking thoughts have haunted me. Damn the mother fuckers that have said them.

(And yes, I do acknowledge that I am so frustrated because it may possibly be true.) Dammit :(

Bottom line, I got RID of the toxins in my life and can now move on.

I will find a new job. I will rekindle/maintain relationships with my near and dear friends. I have found a great guy that values me for my quirkiness and blunt attention to issues good and bad.

With this new freedom from my previous career and me and my ex's freedom to flourish separately, I finally believe I can find a new me.

Now I just have to push this last daemon away.... Shoo thoughts, don't bother me.

Don't bother me anymore.